The mind of an ADDICT Please Post

Thank you so much for posting... I just moved back in with my mom ;( I'm 34, I've been majorly depressed for 16 months, I moved out when I was 16 and I really valued my independence. This depression really "kicked my ***" too.

Wow. That is the best recovery story ever. Good for you. I have only known a few that were not on methadone and free of H for along time. Actually dated one. But then she tells me she has hep c after we had sex. kind of pissed me off. I think I am ok though.

Your welcome. 16 months is a long time. I left home when I was 19 and worked and was totally self sufficient for the most part until about a year and a half ago. It actually started getting worse 5 years ago. Then this last year and a half has totally kicked my ***. I stopped collecting unemployment last Oct. because I applied for disability. Its a huge blow to pride and ego. It takes forever on appeal to even get a hearing to find out if they will qualify you. So what do I do in the mean time. Being depressed 8 months out a year is hard to hold down a job. The lady at the disability office told me you have to be unable to work 12 months straight so you should qualify if it is all documented good. My lawyer told me she was full of crap but it does say that in the law.

I have been in a bad depression for six months. Last summer I came out of one for four months but still had a ton of anxiety and then back in again in Oct. That is when I decided to apply for disability. They have lasted to long and too deep.

The good news is I am on a new set of meds and they are working better than anything I have ever tried. I don't know how long it will last. And it won't help my disability case. I would rather be down 12 months straight so I can fit into their little box.

I have valued my freedom and independence more than anything my whole life. It was ingrained into me by my Dad and his friends. It has just become to much though. This thing is bigger than me just like my drug and alcohol addiction was.

I could be in jail right now if it wasn't for suboxone. I could of easily went to a place to get heroin and got arrested. Instead I went to a doctor. My body was opiate naive but would you rather put a needle in your arm or get arrested. Yes, I did say to myself I'll get a little high but its mostly just nausiating. The high wasn't that great. There are tons of people who take this drug for depression as well. Yes sometimes I abuse it but I'm not perfect. I have bi polar and dealing with paranoia and it does help with the symptoms. I mean I'm still looking for a fix. I could go to a doctor, which I really want to, I was actually researching it last night. I was on suboxone for years with no psychosis, it was the adder all that did this to me. Opiates deplete endorphins, the chemical that makes people happy. Yes I should go out and run because that increasing endorphins too but I'm trying my best. Its not good enouph for some people in my life but I hate the person I was. At this time last year I was drinking 15 beers a day and didn't give a **** about my diagnoses. I know myself, I did something to my brain with adder all that I prob can never fix. Yes, sometimes the sub takes the edge off but I rather do that then go to jail for buying drugs. I'm always told I'm wrong so this time I'm being honest with myself. I have set goals this month and I've been accomplishing them. My paranoid feelings come because of my big polar/schytoeffective brain. Some people experience mania and I think my mania is my paranoia. I've read a ton of articles on here. A person even had something tattooed on her wrist to remind her that its her brain. If I never touched drugs I may still have been like this, the adderall could have made it worse.

I know I will too. I'm writing this thinking my parents are seeing what I'm writing. I'm a paranoid and I will be one for the rest of my life, its just I have to accept the disability and I'm trying too. People with bi polar or scytoeffective or whatever it is because they have all these diagnoses these days. People in the 40s and 50s never heard of all this ****. Ii never gave meds a chance and in my research they still haven't cured depression. I've heard more war stories then positive ones. I mean I was ADHD when I was little, most people with big polar or scytoeffective, their symptoms don't show until late 20s to 30s. So basically if I go into another psychosis its gonna be about substance abuse and that's ********. Yes the adderall I think worsened my previous condition. Its a lose lose situation with my family. Yes I'm thankful for having a roof over my head. But i cycle so much that I'm miserable most of the time. I ask my mom, geez mom why is daddy so miserable, she goes because he's sick. So why's Michael so miserable because he's sick also with an addiction on top of that which I'm handling. So I try to talk to my doctors because they say they can't help me. So pretty much they tell me to just be quiet. I bet you any amount of money they are gonna try to find out everything. Everything is my fault, and I know I will be homeless soon. They really don't see the good in me. I got 30 xanax and still have about 21 because I only use them when needed. But when it comes to talking they can't help me, but when it comes to meds they wanna know it all. Its really sad, I had everything, they gave me everything.. I made mistakes. I've been brushing my teeth every morning which is normal for someone without depression. For me dam right I pat myself on the back. I go buy a couple pants because I don't wanna look like a bum but I feel like I'm doing something bad.. I do my laundry now, I make my bed after I sleep, these are all things I'm training my brain too do. I will be going to a meeting this week. I could be at a bar right now but I'm not. I don't want them to cure me all I want is to talk with them. Its hard because people with this disease accuse and my brain does that. So they want me to talk to a doctor, I've accomplished a lot this month except for my paranoia. Today my mom said something was wrong I was up all night but I'm always a night owl. Its a vicious cycle and I'm doing well except for the paranoia. My father has cancer and he's very miserable so I'm doing good this month accept the paranoia. He will try to sabatoge it because he's taking his cancer out on me. He lost his hair, its dramatizing but with my paranoia its hard to talk because I'm always miserable to. Its a shame because I appreciate them but I can't express it because I'm dealing with a terrible mental illness. I kinda even feel like they are afraid of me. My mother even called me Jody arias one time. I really think she hates me. I stand there and my father punched me twice. I rather have cancer or something else then paranoia but they just don't seem to understand. I'm an addict just like my father, he gave me everything, there was something in my life I wish never happened or else I def would of been a better man and someone with good work ethic.

Don't worry tryinghard you are doing great. Look at how much progress you have made in a very short time. I see a ton. Lots of people are on sub and methadone in recovery. That is a personal issue between them and their doc. Hopefully to get totally off of it, that is the goal. I don't think broadcity was criticizing you just sharing her experience.

I know you are still struggling with addiction issues, and big polar, and all of that. One day at a time, baby steps. Just keep pointed in the right direction even if you do mess up.

I don't think it is true to say that lots of people are taking sub for depression. I have never heard of it. Maybe we will both get to do ketamine legally from a doc someday.

You have a lot going on tryinghard with your family and with you. You are doing great. If you are brushing your teeth, making your bed, buying clothes, and doing laundry that is much more than I am normally able to do because of this damn depression.

It is true they have never found a cure for depression. Don't think that your paranoia can't be successfully treated it very well could be. What meeting are you going to? And stay out of bars, they can't help you.

Ketamine is a cat traqualizer and they are actually testing mice with it for depression. I only did the drug like twice and hated it. I posted a thread about ketamine. But no doc would give sub for depression. But some people are getting results from it. I just hope they really intensify the need for depression/big polar medications. My mom always said that if they made a happy pill the whole world would take it. Something like mdma lol jk Thank you for or support. I will be looking up a meeting for big polar, I see my therapist Monday. But things with my parents are really rough. I sometimes feel like they are afraid of me. I don't know what it is. All they have to do is look up what paranoia is instead of punching me, my father has told me to kill myself many times. Its really the craziest situation, he's never hit me like that in a long time. And my uncle moved in with also. He drinks a bottle of wine a night and his anger or depression comes out. Then all they do is talk about dying. The alcohol is depleting his immune system, I researched it, so I'm pretty much watching him die right in front of my eyes and he tells me not to give up and I'll be fine. Its very hypocritical. So when I lose him which is another reason I wanna use, my mother would say that's an excuse. Pretty much both my parents will die hhating me. I feel like I should be the first one too go.

I'm so confused, I project the future, my mom tells me to live day by day which is ********. Who doesn't think about their future. But if I think about my father dying its selfish because I'm thinking about myself. My FAM problems are all on me. Maybe he hit me to see what I would do. Maybe my sister thinks I'm some mental danger, she's always been a dramaqueen.

I am a hashish fanatic on the grounds that when utilizing pot, it was the most vital thing in my life. More essential than anyone or anything. It served to stifle all the insufficiencies I felt. It helped me not to feel the ache of not satisfying desires. It empowered me not to stress over anything. It helped me to not think about the things I truly thought about. It empowered me to stay in my little world and not manage passionate emotions that would ceaselessly come up when I wasn't smoking. It might push the alarm away, however before long, the dread might return.

Pot helped me not stress over not having an association with ladies, despite the fact that I needed this to happen. On account of negative sentiments about myself, I generally thought where it counts down that I was useless and didn't should be cheerful. As opposed to managing these issues I might smoke pot and the sentiments might go away. Hence, I never took in a lot of social aptitudes or critical thinking abilities.

Later, I began to turn to different things (liquor, cocaine, betting) with the expectation that these things might provide for me joy, or at any rate let me not think about the issues that emulated me wherever I went, and that these sentiments I diverted around might go. They didn't. All the liquor and pills did was push me more distant down, to the point that I at long last thought, "There has showed signs of improvement way." I gave in and looked for help: the first step.

Alcohol
Pot
Any pain killer I can get.
I was sober for 12 years. Relapse. Sober for 8 years. Relapse. Sober 18 months. Relapse. Today I have 11 days of sobriety. Feels like everything and nothing all at the same time. Each relapse is worse than the one before. It really is a progressive disease.

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Dang. Hang in there. How did you stay sober all those long periods if I may ask?

Zinco, I stayed sober with the help of AA and I had a really strong support system of great sober friends. I moved to a new town six years ago, different state, haven't made any connections with sober people, haven't made any friends. Very isolated. Easy to use because I have no one to turn to, no one to keep me accountable, so to speak. Giving meetings here another try, desperate.

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Well that sounds like the reason and the answer. I recently moved from CA where I was real plugged in to AA to Michigan. I do have a pretty good support system here since I grew up here but I have not plugged back into AA so I am at risk.

When I was in treatment they told us that for treatment centers the success rate was 2%. So if 100 of us were in the room they told us only 2 of you is gonna make it. So they really focused on relapse prevention. I remember one thing they said was that relapse is a long process. It doesn't just happen one day a lot of things lead up to it. And that you can intervene at any time.

I would suggest doing a thorough inventory on my you relapsed and to go to a lot of meetings and make new friends. I know how hard it is to start over in a new place in AA. I haven't done it yet. I have major depression issues getting in the way too. I have 19 years and feel like I don't need it anymore, but of course that is probably not true. I know I need to get plugged back in but it is hard.