[theres_always_hope]

I have lost all motivation. My clinical depression (anxiety & ptsd) drain every ounce of energy & motivation completely out of me. I have been unemployed for 4 months, I quit real estate school after completing 5 of the 6 courses. Some days I don't get out of bed at all. Not even to shower. I simply don't see the point. I have tried eating healthy, exercising, vitamins, nootropics (cognitive supplements), antidepressants, mood stabilizers, praying, yoga, meditating, counseling, equine therapy/hobbies, reading, possible food sensitivities, and just about everything else. I feel like my life is on hold while everyone else is out living their's. Looking back on the past 4 years I haven't Accomplished any of my goals. I can't keep a job because I cant get out of bed. I was denied social security disability and my debt is over my head. The reason I havent ended my life is because of the love and support from my devoted bpyfriend of 3 years, my parents and my 2 year old rescue Pit Bull/Bull Terrier Mix Nala. I have seen every Dr, taken every pill and read every book. I feel like joy, peace and contentment are unattainable for me. The only thing that keeps me going are stimulants but I have an addictive personality so i always end up abusing them then crashing for days in bed and losing my job and fighting with my boyfriend. Energy drinks, Adderall, Adrafanil and whatever stimulant I can obtain. I take 3-4 times the recommended dosage and feel happy, productive and optimistic for 2-3 hours. Once that wired, "cracked-out", High wears off I feel empty, suicidal, exhausted, paranoid, restless and full of self-hatred. So, I drink more caffeine & take more pills & feel great again. As a result, Im up all night & groggy in the morning, which leads to taking even more pills. This is the vicious cycle Ive been spiraling downward in for 4 years now. Im 22 years old. I constantly feel that Im missing out on life. I have a phobia of aging & death. I cry every night when the sun begins to set because its a reminder of the inevitable: time passing and my life getting shorter and closer to ending. I feel as if I have to be productive every second of every day or else Im "wasting my life." if i oversleep or take a nap I tell myself that I am worthless, lazy and throwing my life away. The saying "youre only young once" keeps me up at night. I have a feeling of chronic emptiness. The short moments of happiness i experience are so brief and temporary and come purely from external things. I am constantly searching for more and more but they always run out. I feel like others are able to find joy from within themselves. I want that. I am told that only comes from God. I pray to him daily, read His word & go to church. I feel like i will never be happy or content in life and I will waste my whole life trying to find that. I feel as though no one could possibly understand how I feel. I want to get better. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. My biggest fear is being old and looking back on my life regretting all the days I wasted crying in bed. I'm considering medicinal marijuana in low doses. I live in Texas though. I just hate that I always feel so lonely, empty, hopeless and scared. I WANT to live & be happy. I do not want to end my life. I have so many goals!!! I want to travel, play the piano, sing, run marathons, become a fitness legend, become a professional horse rider, save abused pit bulls, own a house, understand nutrition, marry my amazing boyfriend, and just live life. I dont want to spend my life on the couch watching tv and watch everyone else live theirs. I am so restless. I know theres hope. I just dont know where or how. Thank you so much for reading (listening).
❤Theres_Always_Hope

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[CANDC]

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed and listless. It sounds from the list of things you tried that professional help is called for at this point.

Anyone that feels they are liable to do self harm should set up a safety plan. here are possible links to explore that.
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

[loveme_or_leaveme]

I can relate. I don't know how I would function without Adderall and caffeine. Stimulants alone don't help me though. Wellbutrin, an antidepressant, seem's to work well for the depression. You are 22 years old so you still have some changing to do and it can still get better, trust me. Im 25 and I was just like you are now at 22. You say you've tried therapy but did you stick with a treatment plan? There are so many doctors who could help you. I know it seem's impossible to find the motivation to do just about anything when you feel like this though. I've felt like a complete waste of space and hopeless at ever achieving anything productive in life. I still feel that way sometimes.
Try to find something that really stick's with you. Something your good at. I found music and focused all of that pain into playing the guitar and writing.

If I can get better, so can you. I didn't leave my house for almost 3 years because of depression and anxiety. I felt worthless. But sticking with a trusted therapist who understand's you helps SO MUCH.

[lindamine]

the stimulant rollercoaster. I can totally relate to all the ups and downs you are going through. you have what sounds to me, an addictive personality. Always chasing that last rush....I am on stimulants myself. Have been for 15 years. And yes, I had my time that I was abusing them. Luckily, I was able to straighten it out myself when I got therapy.

I also at one point was abusing opiates, as they helped me fill that hole we feel. The emptiness, but after a while they stopped working. I was not as lucky with these as it wound me up in rehab and on suboxone therapy for it.

If you would consider some counseling or see a psychiatrist, I think it would really help. I am not a Dr. but most of the time, when people are abusing a drug, it is another underlying reason why they do it. And you sound like you do it to get you out of depression and give you motivation.

You need to get it under control before it becomes bigger than you. It is a viscious cycle as you said...the more you take, the more you want/need. All to solve this horrible feeling of doom and gloom.

If you don't watch yourself with the stimulants you may wind up addicted to them physically and need medical intervention......then they will never give you a script for them the rest of your life. I know you don't want that. So try and take them as written. That viscious cycle will end then for you.

Sorry for the pain you are feeling. Is a horrible place to be in. Definatly some counseling or Dr. could help you. Trust me; this is not a unique situation. Many of us here have felt like this at some time.

Be well