[Thought+Broad.Girl]

last night i smoked Pot again.

it is really bad for me. i was in a pretty optimistic mood before i relapsed. but as soon as i did i started feeling like my body was being taken over by some alien force. and that the whole world/god has a deep seeded grudge against me because of something i did in my past that i couldn't remember. that was when i started tripping about all the things i do wrong (this is how i usually trip when i smoke)

Things i do wrong: Smoke cigarettes, Drink, Smoke weed, irresponsible.

But i could not stop smoking cigs, and i could not do anything but sit there and trip over and over. At some point i started feeling like there is no God, and i have no soul. I started to feel like i was dying, i could not breath. and i didn't feel like my soul would survive either. that after i die that will be it. which isn't that bad i guess but dying is painful, and i felt like everyone who reads my mind including my mom wanted me to die. so i started yelling for help, but mom didn't know what to do or say.

I also felt like i had nothing to live for anyway. I am mentally ill, irresponsible, and the only men i know are voices in my head (who were also there btw encouraging me, and saying they love me, but who wants to be crazy and only have voices in their head who love them?)

Drugs are bad, M'Kay?

[healingme4me]

Aside from relapsing, are you addressing your feelings of guilt and shame, and finding where it originates?

[Thought+Broad.Girl]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Aside from relapsing, are you addressing your feelings of guilt and shame, and finding where it originates?

I am not sure where it originates... so many possibilities. but i have not done anything "that bad" as far as i know anyway

[healingme4me]

Seems like a misunderstanding. Shame and guilt origins aren't necessarily from what you've done in life, good or bad. It's not even necessarily about major trauma.

It's a culmination of life's experience.

Takes work on one's own part, to get to a level of self awareness.

Originally Posted by Thought+Broad.Girl

last night i smoked Pot again.

it is really bad for me. i was in a pretty optimistic mood before i relapsed. but as soon as i did i started feeling like my body was being taken over by some alien force. and that the whole world/god has a deep seeded grudge against me because of something i did in my past that i couldn't remember. that was when i started tripping about all the things i do wrong (this is how i usually trip when i smoke)

Things i do wrong: Smoke cigarettes, Drink, Smoke weed, irresponsible.

But i could not stop smoking cigs, and i could not do anything but sit there and trip over and over. At some point i started feeling like there is no God, and i have no soul. I started to feel like i was dying, i could not breath. and i didn't feel like my soul would survive either. that after i die that will be it. which isn't that bad i guess but dying is painful, and i felt like everyone who reads my mind including my mom wanted me to die. so i started yelling for help, but mom didn't know what to do or say.

I also felt like i had nothing to live for anyway. I am mentally ill, irresponsible, and the only men i know are voices in my head (who were also there btw encouraging me, and saying they love me, but who wants to be crazy and only have voices in their head who love them?)

Drugs are bad, M'Kay?

hugs

you tried your best i'm sure.

and a southpark fan i see.

hehehehe.

i like southpark too

[unwinding]

*hugs* I'm so sorry. If you need someone to talk to I'm here. I'm wanting to quit smoking more than anything and I know how hard it is. I've tried a couple times.

[Crazy Hitch]

You have a self awareness of smoking pot and this stands you in good stead - because of the fact that you are cogniscent of the fact that this is not good for your mental health, it builds part of the foundation that is going to help you move forward from your mistake last night

[Mygrandjourney]

Easiest things to change: people, places, things
Hardest things to change: thoughts, habits/behaviors, beliefs, moods.
Making changes in the former can often lead to changes in the latter. If not, getting some professional help or even a support group can reinforce the part of you that wants change.

[Thought+Broad.Girl]

Originally Posted by Mygrandjourney

Easiest things to change: people, places, things
Hardest things to change: thoughts, habits/behaviors, beliefs, moods.
Making changes in the former can often lead to changes in the latter. If not, getting some professional help or even a support group can reinforce the part of you that wants change.

i have been trying to just believe in "natural wisdom" instead of second guessing myself so much.

but i have been having a very hard time. one thing i notice, doing this is healthy. typing and reading seems to be clearing my ear drums LOL. think i have been listing to the sounds around me too much and needed to extremely focus on something technical .haha.