Where I'm at

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DISCLAIMER: I discuss the 12-steps in this post. If you do not agree with the 12-steps, please refrain from any non-supportive replies in this thread.
Thanks,
Rayna
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I recently did some HUGE inventory work on my life. I was unsatisfied with my current situation, meaning my diagnosis of MS 9 months ago and my inibility to work as a result. It threw me into a huge depression as a result of not being honest with how I was feeling, pretending everything was ok, trying to move straight into gratitude and acceptance.

My sponsor put it to me this way: Trying to move straight to acceptance without first clearing away the wreckage in my head was like trying to put gratitude on a pile of dung.

Was she ever right. Through working the inventory on my life, we were able to see exactly where I was angry and discontent. Promptly following this with 6&7 has been an AMAZING help.......

I now meet with my sponsor once a week. I write any and all resentments I may have during that week and we promptly work to dispel them. I now see that what I have going for me in my life is right exactly what I need, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I'm only adding to my experience strength and hope to help others down the road.

Last night, I had the idea to go walk around the university after we hung out at the diner, our usual Friday night activity. The weather was beautiful, just a slight chill and we walked around and talked and goofed off and laughed and had a great time. However, I had not prepared my body for all the walking. Usually, before I do anything physical, I take ibuprofen and do some stretching. I didn't do that last night. The PAIN I felt became almost unbearable. We had stopped at Circle K for water and stuff and were sitting on some tables by the law school. My friend offered to walk over and get my car and I was being stubborn, saying I just had to rest my legs. But they could tell I was in pain. My other friend convinced me to ask for help, so I did. I let my friend go and get my car.

That was so hard for me! To admit that I needed help. Because it was admiting to myself that my life has changed, and there's going to be times when the MS flairs up and makes me immobile.

I had to remember that by letting my friend help me, that I was helping him to be of service as well. And it was such a relief to see my car pull up, knowing I didn't have to walk another quarter mile to get it.

So what I learned last night? That the inventory I did on my life followed by 6&7 also needs to be followed with 8&9....amends to myself. That amends to myself means allowing others to help me when I need it. The beauty of asking for help only strengthens these friendships. I saw the caring, softer side of my friend last night that I had yet to see. It was wonderful to see the program working in him as well.

I feel overwhelmed with gratitude with respects to my life today. I thought I would be in tremendous pain today, but I'm not. I think its partly because I'm filled with love for my friends, and filled with love for my higher power for making last night happen.

Its amazing how much we can learn about our lives and ourselves in one night of goofing off on a university campus.

So, thats where I'm at today. =) Thanks for letting me share.

~Rayna

(((((((((((Ray))))))))))))))))))
My heart is with you always!! I am so proud of you I could burst into a little ray of sunshine...lol. You keep at it girl, you are doing the most amazing job EVER!!! Good Luck, I will keep you in my prayers. Love you always, Inny

"I had to remember that by letting my friend help me, that I was helping him to be of service as well."

Bingo!

I am glad to see that your MS hasn't stopped your 9 ball game.

Richard

step 12......what a gift you gave your friend......love you girl, pat

Rayna,
I have been sober for 14 months. I don't do AA or the 12 steps, but I am very happy they are working for you. It sounds like you are really getting a lot of work done--I truly respect that. I fully understand your reason for the disclaimer--I wish we could all just get along. If there is ever a way I could support you, I would...

I can relate to some of your feelings. Athough my life is not perfect, I am so incredibly grateful I have my sobriety, my friends and my family. It took a lot of work for me to get to the point where I could feel and appreciate all the love I have in my life--its a wonderful feeling.

Congratulations on 14 months!!!!! Wooooo hooooooo!!!!! And even with my disclaimers, please feel free to reply, you are still offering support!!!

It is a wonderful feeling to appreciate life and be able to see it through a non-blurry glossy eyed stare. You know what I mean. =)

(((((((RAYNAY)))))))
you are truly an inspiration and and a breath of fresh air. i always look forward to hanging with you in chat