My benzo addiction, part II

This may be a story with lots of chapters. I hope it is not. I wrote earlier about my benzo addiction/withdrawal and recovery. I suppose that I am in recovery but I am still experiencing withdrawal symptoms, incredible as it might seem. My list of symptoms is very long. What I have learned is that I have an iatrogenic illness now which is an illness that occurs because of a medical treatment. Long term use of a benzo changes the structure of your brain, causing damage which takes at least 2 years to repair itself. Although it was caused by a treatment that a MD prescribed, if you tell them that you still have symptoms and cannot function, they deny it's whole existence. Say that withdrawal only occurs for 2 weeks. Why are they so misinformed? They just give you a look of pity and seem at a loss words, the nice ones anyway. That is extremely difficult to take, to have such a crippling situation that hardly any medical professional will acknowledge. It is very isolating to feel like some medically damaged freak.

I keep writing here and in a blog because this is so very frustrating and discouraging. I lost everything due to this, my career as a nurse, my financial stability, friends, family and social status. I was a working professional with a good income and a social life. No immediate worries about money because I could always get a job as a nurse. Having lost all these things is so devastating beyond belief. Now I struggle to get through the day sometimes, cannot rest and just obsess over what symptom is going to appear next. Actually some new ones have started lately with my whole body shaking at times, which is unnerving and kind of scary. The insomnia is affecting my health in a really bad way. I don't want to go on living this way, if things do not improve in a few months, I am not sure how I am going to cope with it. This anxiety is worse than I ever experienced even before starting klonopin, occasionally there are feelings of terror. Last night I woke up at 3 am in a panic, lots of times I think I see or feel bugs crawling on me, that is also new the last 2 weeks.

Healing is not linear, it goes back and forth. Some days I wake up to loud ringing in my ears, pain all over and nausea. None of these have any basis physically. I have to take extra blood pressure medicine since I was taken off cold turkey against my will by a doctor at a hospital where I had no rights and could not leave. He almost killed me. I definitely think I have a good case for a lawsuit. Most do not win that have tried to sue for the damages from benzos. I may talk to an attorney I found about it anyway. I am very angry about the whole situation.

What I am trying to say is that I am losing hope that I will ever get better. I truly feel like I am dying from this. How wrong is that? Was taking me off supposed to help me (?) because it has not. I am non-functional most of the time and getting less able to take care of myself and do what I need to do to get my body in better shape. Severe anxiety prevents me from doing that. I cannot even imagine going to a gym and being in a closed area with people then freaking out because of the changes your body goes through during exercise. There is no break from this, 24/7 you are awake and feel tortured. Sleep is very strange and restless. I also wake up flushed and too warm, something related to cortisol release. Cortisol levels are elevated due to the long term stress and cause some extreme abdominal weight gain, which is hazardous to your health as is long term sleep deprivation.

Others in my same situation just say they are just waiting and hoping to die soon. They have lost hope of ever being the same. That is just tragic and sad. I have heard of a few people that say they were completely healed and feel better than ever. That seems like a pie in the sky now that this has gone on for 21 months. I do feel quite hopeless and cannot get a true medical evaluation due to the powers that be and the high cost of testing and specialists such as a neuropsychiatrist. One thing that I need to do for sure is to give my body to science so that my brain could be studied and possibly help someone else in the future. Maybe then at least all my suffering would be recognized as "real". That is a pretty grim thought but I guess realistic.

I am sorry you are struggling so much.

I don't know if this is wise or not but I think if it were me I would find a doc who would put me on a dose of klonopin, as low as possible, and then do the slow taper thing. Why suffer so much if that would work.

Thanks for your thoughts zinco, but I have not had klonopin for 21 months. From what I have learned, taking another dose would only set back my healing.

If someone offered me a lifetime supply with no danger of being forced off again, I'd go back on it in a heartbeat. I'm so drained and miserable.

Thanks Angelique, I think most people do not believe all this is possible from benzo withdrawal. If it were not real, why would there be thousands of us on one support site experiencing similar symptoms?

Right now I wish so much that person that forced me off would suffer everything I have been forced to suffer. This whole hell I've been in, every bit of it. Sorry, I'm not in good spirits tonight.