[AngstyLady]

Sometimes I feel that now that I don'tsmoke and drink like I used to, I'm not the same person- I'm definitely not going to smoke- but perhaps have a drink semi regularly- it helps me open up, be more natural- I don't know. It's hard to explain- like I feel like I did a lot of social learning/maturing in college back when I used to drink and stuff. Like the whole state dependant memory- I think it applies to my emotional inferiority now that I'm sober- Like being in high school all over again- I've thought of having undiagnosed aspergers- I've taken tests on here multiple times saying it's very likely- if that's the case- I feel like intoxication access parts of my brain in terms of emotional regularity and normalcy that I can't always do on my own. I used to definitely feel like that when it came to smoking weed. I'd smoke a little weed and then have a cigarette before most of my social interactions and be great. But I think I smoked too much to the point of breaking something in me- now whenever I smoke I seem to go crazy . . . . . I regret smoking it at that party on Saturday- so stupid of me- I'm remembering how smoking weed induces paranoid anxiety- because I'm predisposed- I would always calm it with more weed .. .. I'm not doing that- I think I'm obviously better without it- I have been making improvements and reaching milestones on my own without it in recent years- except I'm not good at keeping up relationships (friendships and the like) anymore . . . even with relatives. I think that people don't care, when I'm sure I'm giving off the same vibes to them so thing become stagnant. But other times I feel like I see through people and see through how they pretend- because not everyone rubs me the wrong way- a lot of people I get long great with- and then now after the party a few coworkers are acting weird around me- probably because I might've embarrassed myself or something. Oh well. That's life, you never know what you're going to get .(so lame I know)
This post I guess is better than the post I was going to do about being depressed and feeling like a loser because I let my life pass me by and don't do anything I like to do- no determination, no ambition, always feeling like I'm lacking something inside. . . . and this is why I used to smoke- to turn my ever active mind off, or at least slow it down a bit . .. I need to get back into meditation like my friend suggested.

I dont think that you are braindamaged. I think this is addiction telling you that you need to be who you were while on the substances. And its common for you to fel different when you change your lifestyle, even if you do it for the better. Took me a while to get used to sober life because i was so used to being under the influence. It takes time and it will pass.

[AngstyLady]

[quote=ChaoticInsanity;4601571]
yeah,
It's been like 3 years though- the pull is mostly weak, but on occasion it's strong- I've even used once or twice in the past 3 years- it's hard when I smoked for over a decade before I gave it up . .. .

[mixtape02]

For asperger's, substance abuse is definitely linked to making us feel better than if we were sober and having to feel the full force of our alienation. I drank to take the edge off of having anxiety. Then I thought it'd open me up in "sober" places, like school and everyday hangouts. It didn't. I just made myself physically ill and addicted.

In Drinking: A Love Story, Caroline Knapp writes that writers are many times inclined to have a tight relationship with alcohol and drink while they write because drinking accesses parts of the brain that you can't while sober. Even if it isn't writing, you access something that you can't while sober. That's plain to see.

It's hard with weed because instead of being peer pressured (which many people deny happens because they're individuals and don't need no man), one can find oneself wanting what they have. The stoners. Weed truly helps them and you want that help too, but you can't have it because it makes you paranoid and anxious and it's not for you. Sometimes you gotta remember to "just say no."

[AngstyLady]

[quote=mixtape02;4627721]

well, the weed smoking only really made me paranoid because I didn't want people to know I was high and even then I didn't want their judgement if I was out in public around non smokers-
I've also thought that I might have aspergers for several years now (and whenever I take the aspergers test here on PC I score as a definite possibility) and have thought about what getting an diagnosis of it would really do in making a difference (if anything) with my work situation- I believe there are more offered benefits in the UK and other parts of Europe.