[BreezyB]

I got clean after a 3 week relapse (meth & heroin via IV) on 10/7 (actually due to being hospitalized until 10/11 due to a cellulitis infection that I still have) on 10/7.
I started taking my Lexapro 20mg shortly after.
Started taking my Gabapentin (3 300mg capsules, 2x daily) a few days ago.
I have actually NEVER had a "real" diagnosis. I was told I was bipolar when I was 13, autistic when I was 16, just an anxiety disorder when I was 18, now I'm 20 & I haven't seen a psychiatrist in about a year. I've been on & off my meds due to my drug use.
STAYING clean has become increasingly hard due to this cellulitis infection. I feel so defeated, the pain is OVERWHELMING & I can't take narcotic pain medication. I can barely walk, the doctor's have NO clue what to do. I've had ultrasounds, x-'rays, MRI's, you name it.
I want to give up. I honestly feel suicidal. I have since yesterday. This is why I do drugs. I don't want to feel this way. I want to give up.

[gayleggg]

It sounds like you're having a hard time right now. It must be really hard to go through, but you have to continue to hope things will get better. Hold on to that hope.

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[Trinley]

Hi BreezyB,

I've also been given the run around on my diagnosis and I also struggle with addictions. I am also on lexapro. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, depression, social anxiety disorder, ADD, and Schizoaffective disorder.

Do you have a psychiatrist that you are working with. It's important to have a mental health team working with you. It might be a matter of finding the right combination of meds, instead of just one. Lexapro works on Serotonin, but you may also need something that works on dopamine, like a stimulant or Wellbutrin. I feel like the addition of Wellbutrin to my medications has been a life saver.

What ever you do don't give up. There is something out there that will help, it's just a matter of finding in.

i find the mental health system is crap when dealing with addicts. i have addiction, too (heroin) and a ton of dx...

rehab was the only thing that really helped me... can you go to rehab?

I'm sorry it's this way for you Hun.

Our addiction/alcoholism got easier to deal with once we got our meds right, not that we aren't living the perfect life of sobriety, but it's not as bad where I had to drink and drug. Today it's more like trying to relive the glory days, but usually fall flat and it's easier to sober up now.

Med maintenance is a constant thing, and skipping on meds lessens the therapeutic effects.

I'm sorry about the infection, that has got to be awful. Hang in there and I hope it gets better for you.

[DeeAnnaD1913]

I have also been having a hard time the last couple days; with my sobriety. Just when I start to feel better, it's like my mind will take five steps back. I don't want to give up. This is hard. I want it to be easier.

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[DeeAnnaD1913]

I just want to wake up tomorrow with a positive attitude and feel some hope! I am so hopeless feeling.

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[BreezyB]

Thank you everyone I appreciate all of your replies.

Trinley...since I got new insurance I am unable to see a psychiatrist until the middle of next month...technically later than that since they require I see a psychologist for 3-4 appointments before I can see the psychiatrist.

Somat...heroin for me too. I've been to rehab 3 times.

AlwaysChanging...I really hope I can get on the right meds soon.

DeeAnna...you make me feel like I am not alone. I don't want to give up either...not relapsing type of giving up anyway...I want to shut off my emotions type of give up...but I know I am the one that is affected negatively the most if I do that...but I'm so good at it...I want to...so bad...I just want to be happy...just want the old me...the me from 5 years ago...I want her back...I don't even know who I am now...I hate myself

[sammo777]

keep your chin up, mate. stay strong.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by BreezyB

I want to give up. I honestly feel suicidal. I have since yesterday. This is why I do drugs. I don't want to feel this way. I want to give up.

Speaking as one who is VERY prone to addiction I am going to be blunt. The main reason I did what I did was to kill those feelings and pain I didn't want to have. I think all addiction is about killing pain. Some are going to make it and some aren't. The only way you can make it out of the addiction is to stay alive long enough to get there.

Sure , you want to die. To me that's what it's all about. Just a way to die. Sometimes slowly
sometimes quickly. Your YOUNG. Keep trying to beat the demon inside of you. Don't let him win. Talk , talk and talk some more about how you feel to anyone who will listen.
Get whatever help you can get. I've been there. You can make it. Don't give up.