Addicted to not feeling it

Hi,

I'm Avalen. I consider myself a very intelligent person. I don't want to sound stuck-up or anything, but I've always been good at school, I love discussing philosophy, physics, chemistry, politics, economics, there are very few subjects I don't like discussing that I'm not knowledgable in. I haven't had an easy life as you can gander if you have read my previous posts(you probably haven't but nonetheless). Not on the material level but the personal/emotional level. The plague of my life has been the alcohol abuse of my parents.

Eventually I got friends that, when we all neared the age, started trying drinking. I joined them. Through the months I got used to drinking, my friends showed me it needn't always be a bad thing(this was about five years ago). Everything went fine on that front until my high school ended. I took a leap year(a common thing here), then I started drinking by myself.

I quickly fell in love with how being drunk just stops the pain and makes you stop thinking. One of my friends condemns drinking more than one beer by yourself alcoholism, which I deem nonsense since he hasn't witnessed anything resembling actual alcoholism the way I have, with my other friends the boundary is fluid. With myself, I don't know. These days I have a hard time going a week without getting drunk. I still don't think it's an actual chemical addiction, more to do with how I feel about my lack of direction, motivation and my depression and all the s*** that goes on in my life every day. I just love feeling fine about everything, even if it's for a short few hours. I haven't tried any substances beyond alcohol and tobacco, both of which I greatly enjoy, I would like to, but I don't like breaking the law in a way it feels like I could get caught.

Anyway, the only time I'm capable of venting this online is after a few drinks. So, you're welcome, I guess. Any and all insight is appreciated. Support too.

Thanks.

Avalen, welcome to PC. I hope you meet a lot of other peers here and the comardery that you are looking for. tc