[kiwipie]

Hi there! This is mostly a venting post because I don't have therapy scheduled for over a week but any advice is appreciated:

So I went back to school (away from home) and of course got back into my usual abuse of substances. But this year I tried xanax which I LOVED, (I also tried cocaine but was cut off before that could become an addiction). Anyway, I started taking a bunch of xanax per day and I would drink with it at night and do other drugs so my friends got worried about me. Also apparently I was forgetting everything and wasn't acting like myself (I actually don't remember most of that time that I was on xanax because I was taking so much). Somehow word got to my sister and she told my parents I was using all these drugs and addicted to xanax.

Long story short I am now living at home (I basically had the choice between coming home every weekend or taking a semester off). I told my parents I would go to therapy and work all of this out, but the truth is, I'm just doing it to get them off my back. I am already deeply depressed living at home and don't know what is going to get me through the next couple of months without drugs. I have no motivation to get better as of now and living at home is just making me care about my life less. I feel like I will go crazy when I get back to school and like many addicts I feel ****** about myself and how I've hurt others but I don't know how to make myself care about my life enough not to quit.

I am currently working one job and am about to start another and am already struggling at the concept of getting through these without the relief of my drug abuse. I am on an antidepressant and it seemed to help for a bit but I feel that I am going back to all my old ways.

I also really don't know how I am going to make it through January or February living at home. Every day I am alone with my thoughts and I start to become aggressive and depressed and anxious and basically feel like I am going to flip a **** without the distraction of constant friends and drugs.

Anyway, just wanted to share. Thanks everyone. Feel free to share similar stories or whatever you want. Hope you all feel alright.

[Moogieotter]

Sorry you are struggling. Early recovery or teetering with active addiction is quite difficult.

How much of your negative thinking, self-hatred, and aggressive feelings do you attribute to your addiction?

moogs

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Hun, you're in a very bad place. The angst you feel is probably the Xanax leaving your system or cravings. I'm two months sober and it sucked so bad at first but I'm no longer a slave to addiction and I'm proud of that. You have a lot of your plate with school so I'm sure you're stressed. I really don't know what to say since you admittedly don't want to quit. Xanax or any benzo is a nasty addiction. I really do hope you find the want to quit. Maybe push school back a bit and go to rehab? There they will teach you the tools to get past these cravings and live a sober life. I wish you the best