[Tamster]

Hi my name is Tam and I am an addict, my drugs of choice most recently have been klonopin and opiates of differing types. After talking with 2 dear friends I have decided to post here and try and receive input.
My introduction to drugs in general started at 18 on one given night at a party given for my moving into a home with 2 other roommates. That night for the first time I not only tried but conceived of what drugs even were. I had my first joint, hash, mushrooms, acid and cocaine. Unfortunately I enjoyed many of these substances and continued using them for many years. When I was 20 I was dx with schizophrenia which has now been modified to schizoaffective disorder, I experience psychosis as well. When I was 20 they put me on many meds one being Valium and in the 80s it was not uncommon to be given benzos almost like candy. I had an unlimited supply and used them at will. The year I turned 30 I sustained some compression fractures in my back and was put on opiates, within no time I was hooked. Over the years I finally stopped street drugs and relied solely on pharmaceuticals, keeping Valium, Xanax, Oxycontin, Vicodin, and Fentanyl, all in large amounts. I used them not as directed but as a way to achieve a high or a low as it were. These medications have remained part of my life for nearly 30 years.
Ok, now starting in the last 6 months I have again after being off schedule 2 meds (except when I would order them off the internet) for 6 years with the help of a dear pdoc who after the 6 years I had to part with due to insurance reasons. At that time I started to spiral out of control and found myself craving old feelings from drugs in order to feel safe and in my mind stable again. I went to my GP and told him the pain was unbearable and that something had to be done, although I did have pain I manipulated the situation to attain the opiates I craved at the time, I did the same shortly after with my new pdoc to get any benzo she would give me. She finally agreed to klonopin and I started again to use them addictively. Taking large doses to achieve the feeling I required at the time, any stress I felt was a trigger to turn to the drugs. I found myself in front of the computer ordering benzos from online pseudo pharmacy's , not the safest way to fuel an addiction.
I have become so dependent upon these meds that when my pdoc found out after a long discussion with my case manager that I was addicted to opiates she contacted my GP and when I went last month he said I could no longer have schedule 2 meds, he was kind about the discussion but it was clear my source had dried up, my mind went into overdrive, I was going to have to go through withdrawals. I refused going to Rehab as a previous stent in a rehab went terribly for me, so with only the benzos and a script for tramadol for the pain I went home and weathered the storm. Physically I made it through the withdrawals but psychologically I was a mess. I would find myself scrounging for old meds that I had hidden like Ambien and would take large doses until I would basically overdose and was found crawling on the floor trying to find pills in the carpet one night. You would have thought this would have been enough to embarrass me into slowing down or stopping all together but it did not it just made me more secretive and needy. I was careful for awhile to only take what I needed to feel numb until last week and on Tuesday I took over a period of hours about 15 mg of klonopin. I did not feel the sensation I wanted so took more as those hours wore on, finally the cumulative effect hit at the worst or best of times depending on how you look at it. I was at my addictions support group and I started to be unable to stay awake and my speech was slurred, I was unable to walk a straight line and would stumble and hit the wall. One of the facilitators took me out to another room to try and get a handle on what was going on , I lied and said I had only taken 4 mg of klonopin. They had a case manager a wonderfully kind woman come in who was very skilled in addictions. She said I had to go to the ER as they were very concerned I said immediately no please just let me call my taxi and go home and I would sleep it off. Then I passed out and the next thing I knew I was on a gurney on my way down the hall with police and paramedics in tow. The police were only there as I was a the community mental health office and they were concerned for my safety, everyone was so kind. I was a fool, because I was under some what was to me terrible stress I chose to overdose to deal with it, I had no intent at the time to kill myself although I knew that was a possibility, I leaned on the fact I was normally tolerant to large doses of benzos. That day I let someone I loved down, I felt like I finally hit rock bottom and could move on away from the addiction with help. My new anniversary date is 11/24/16, I am going to explore an outpatient substance abuse facility if possible in my area, continue my addictions support group and start therapy in the future.
Right now the most important thing is that I stay sober and work towards stability. I am blessed and lucky to have someone who cares about me and wants me to succeed. I have a lot of work to do but feel like I can move forward with support and help on my new journey.
I am tired of the long hard life of being addicted and abusive I want to find out what I am missing and have a clean and sober life with some newfound happiness in the mix.
Thank you for reading my post, Tams

[splitimage]

Tamster,

i'm so glad you survived the overdose and have now chosen sobriety. Getting and staying sober isn't easy - I've relapsed many times on my journey; but, I can say that it is better than living the addicted lifestyle and being a slave to drugs.

I'm happy that you have support IRL.

I think the idea of treatment is excellent. I've found it to be very helpful.

If you ever want extra support feel free to pm me. But I'll tell you upfront, I don't do chat.

Please keep us updated on your progress.

You can do this.
splitimage

[notz]

I'm glad you took your friends advice and posted here. It's good to say all that not just verbally but even through your fingertips as you type the words. It's good to see them on the screen and know this is you, who you are and what you have been. It's good for all of us to see your words, you helped keep me sober today. Thank you for your courage and determination. I am only a pm away...anytime I can help, reach out.

[Sam_Spade]

How are you feeling today? Any withdrawal symptoms? Thanks for sharing your story!

[CANDC]

I am sorry Tamster you have found it so difficult to come to terms with the pain. I understand how going through difficult times can make self medication a tempting possibility.

I appreciate you taking a step to coming to terms with addiction. One of the 12 step program tenets is that "I have an addiction problem" and "I need help to cope with it".

Hope you find a path to coming clean of all self medication.

[Tamster]

Hi Sam,
How am I feeling today? hmm currently I feel well although slightly anxious. Withdrawal symptoms seem to be subsiding nicely at this point, I was having muscle spasms and a slight headache still yesterday but it does seem to be getting better.
Thank you for reading my story, Tam

[Moogieotter]

Sweetest Auntie Tamster,

Thanks for opening up with your struggles. Welcome to PC Addiction Forum. Not the most popular place, but there's great wisdom and support here.

We've got your back!

Love,

moogs

[greentires4me]

one day at a time if you look at the home stretch you might get overly impatient but you can do this

[Sprite22]

Hang in there girl. I know this was hard to talk about. Keep strong and prayers go out.

[sans]

Sami
Happy you are still here to tell your story and perhaps help another while helping yourself! I'm inspired by your strength and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers for healing!
Xo
Sans

[Misssy2]

Hope you are hanging in there.

It is a terrible way to live searching for the next high or the pill you THINK you dropped on the floor or in the bottom of your purse.

[GGChar]

I am so glad I ran across your post. Thank you for your honesty! As an alcoholic I remember the days of scrounging for misplaced bottles, the planning that had to go into my drinking and hiding was ridiculous.

I truly hope you are doing well and seeing and feeling a new life!