[zijax]

60 days sober and have been around a lot of family...get sucked into their perfect lives and feel worthless. Jealous that they can drink and still be successful whereas I can't touch it or all goes to hell.

Got down on my knees and prayed to whatever God is keeping me sober bc I feel like going downtown main street and hitting a bar. Yesterday I was craving oxys but I threw away the dealers number but started hunting for it.

I ate and felt better. I prayed. I just have to make it through today without a drink. I'm stopping future tripping. I'm going to take a shower. That's all I know to do.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by zijax

...feel worthless. Jealous...

... I just have to make it through today without a drink.

Making it through the day without drinking never fixed those troubles for me, but the Twelve Steps -- beginning with the fact I was just as powerless while sober as I was while drinking -- surely have.

[zijax]

Leejo...<the fact I was just as powerless while sober as I was while drinking>

At certain times there is no effective mental defense against the first drink, the needed power is not there, it must come from a higher power.

That's what I'm counting on because licking this thing on my own hasn't worked. I relapse when I don't do AA. And I do get sick of AA. Knowing I'm powerless while sober reminds me to stay connected to a Power greater than myself, whatever that is I don't know... but it's been working for 2 months.

But there is free will and I have choice. Today I choose not to drink because tomorrow I'm going to wake up feeling so glad I didn't.

Thanks you helped me.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by zijax

At certain times there is no effective mental defense against the first drink, the needed power...must come from a higher power.

That's what I'm counting on...

Here is what we are guaranteed at Step Ten (pages 84-85):

"...we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.... If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame...react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically...without any thought or effort on our part...in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us... That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

Do you need some help getting there?

Originally Posted by zijax

Today I choose not to drink because tomorrow I'm going to wake up feeling so glad I didn't.

Sure, your intellect and emotions are currently in agreement. But if that could be true for us all the time, there would be no need for A.A. at all.

[zijax]

I'm not spiritually fit right now. I'm all over the place. I don't know what to call my higher power. I don't understand a higher power. I don't like the word God. I feel disconnected. How do you re-connect with a higher power?

[Ocean Swimmer]

Hi Zijax
I don't know how to connect to the higher power thru AA. In my life I feel the miracle of creation thru nature.
The trees loved me and I loved them back has helped me.
I've had opioid addiction. Just keep them out of your house for now. They have the power to unbalance the fragile balance of bipolar.
We're here for you!

[zijax]

Ocean, I have been hiking a lot. It is true. Every time I go out in the mountains by the river my anxiety is cut in half. Especially if I swim. And it's cold!

I fortunately live in the mountains with waterfalls, rivers and tons of hiking trails. I have recently been to visit my sick father at the beach and that helped but not like the forest. Thanks for reminding me.

The good thing is I didn't use or drink and today when I woke up I was so grateful! I have to remember to keep it in today. Today, this moment is all I have to deal with...not the rest of the summer with all my family bs coming up.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by zijax

I'm not spiritually fit right now. I'm all over the place.

Taking the Twelve Steps just as they are in the A.A. Big Book will fix that. Their purpose is to make it possible for us to learn to live by spiritual principles while walking a path that truly goes somewhere...and thus do we no longer need the effect of alcohol in order to try to live.

Originally Posted by zijax

I don't know what to call my higher power. I don't understand a higher power. I don't like the word God.

Step Two is not a theological exercise, so none of that makes any difference in relation to getting started in actual recovery by taking the Steps...

"We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. 'Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?' As soon as a wo/man can say that s/he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him/her that s/he is on his/her way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built." (page 47)

Originally Posted by zijax

I feel disconnected. How do you re-connect with a higher power?

By taking the remainder of the Steps. Step One is where we discover, admit and accept our lack of power and our inability to manage our own ways out of the pit, then Step Two is where we become willing to look for and accept power from outside of ourselves...and then Step Three is a decision to take Steps Four through Nine in order for the presence of that power to become reality in our own lives. Few people in today's AA will ever tell you about all of that or be able show you how to get there, but that is the original A.A. and is guaranteed to work for anyone willing and able to give it a try to see what actually happens.

[zijax]

I did not relapse and the cravings are gone! I am triggered by family so two days away from them and I am better. I went to an AA meeting. It was on meditation...really cool. I drank an extra large mountain dew. I ate chocolate...something sweet helps with cravings. I prayed...got down on my knees, and I am not religious. I called my sponsor, she told me...You got this, you can get through it. Thought I would mention these things if they might help someone else.