Daily addictions check in #[two]

Hi guys <3 I haven't been around in a little bit and I'm sure I've missed a lot. Sorry about that! Today I am sad.

To start, I have been clean for 4 weeks and 5 days. All I have done these past two days is cry. I was worried sick at home about my girlfriend going out to a work party where she promised not to use. She told me she knew she would be tempted and she would come home. I was worried and panicking by the time she was supposed to go out, but she decided not to go because she wasn't feeling well. She told me she knew she would've used and my heart sank. I felt like crying all over again. I'm so lucky she was sick that night... But if her resolve is that weak and she doesn't stay home next time for one reason or another... I am sick with worry. My heart hurts.

Splits - I think you have a good perspective on the slip, which is what I would call it if you can make it a single bump in the road. Owning up to it is a big deal.

JessLynn - You passed the one month mark! Congratulations! I feel for you on the issue of your GF. At least she is being honest with you about being worried that she will relapse. It's hard to walk that fine line of support and pride in your sobriety and hers without guilt tripping her, but that's what I would do. You need to think about what you will do if she does give in. If you can't stand by her if she uses, I would go ahead and step over the guilt trip line and let her know what impact her decision would have. That's just what I would do, though. You need to decide for you. I would still put self care first.

Hmm... I'd say I stepped over the guilt line today. I told her how upset thinking about her going out and using made me, and how worried I was that I would get a text from her while she was high in the middle of the night. I just can't keep it in at all. I have to be an open book with her or we won't work :/ I'm pretty fragile these days too, and like you said, I need to take care of me.

Jesslynn,

First off big congratulations on being clean for over a month. That's awesome.

I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing your feelings to your girlfriend. They're you're feelings, and their legitimate, and you have a right to express them. The priority right now is doing what you need to do to stay clean.

splitimage

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't stop crying. I've been bawling my head off since 5 am. I just feel overwhelmed with pain that I have no other way of letting out. I'm not usually this bad after a relapse, especially a short one, although I did drink a lot.

I hate this disease. I hate that I keep relapsing. I first went to AA in 2005, and to my first treatment centre in 2006, and the longest I've managed to stay sober since then, is two stints of 14 months. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm doomed to never get out of this stupid cycle even though the consequences just keep getting worse.

I have to stay sober. I know that. I want to get back to work, and I'll never do that if I'm drinking.

It's so frustrating. I stopped self-injuring in 2011, and despite getting frequent and intense urges, I've been able to resist relapsing on that, but alcohol is so much harder. I love it and hate it at the same time. When I'm drinking, I like the effect of numbing myself out, but I hate myself for doing it. And every time I binge drink, I hope this is the time I won't wake up, which is freaking depressing.

I've got to face my life, and work on making it better so that I won't constantly want to check out. it's just so hard.

Ok - thanks for letting me rant. I'm just focussing on recovering today. I'm going to call my addictions Dr. first thing tomorrow morning, and hope that she can fit me in this week.

splitimage

That is one of my concerns; if I really haven't changed anything, will I fall back into the same rut? The same stressors are still there. I am trying to accept some things I can't change instead of railing against them. I am not having urges from the stress right now, but the question still bugs me.

I got a strong binge eating urge last night, which spooked me. I didn't binge and I am still on my diet, but it was a strong urge triggered by a couple of treats. This time of year is dangerous. Point is that just when I think I have something beat...

I'm sorry your sobriety was interrupted for a day, splitimage, but it sounds like you're back in a good state of mind. I know first-hand what it's like to go back out after being sober. You're trying to make it just that one night...but I'm not so sure I might go out & never come back. When I did slip they weren't one time deals. Keep on writing here. Let us be of more support.

Thanks UpDownAround, and Emgreen,

Well happily I didn't drink yesterday, so I managed to contain my relapse to one day, which is pretty much a miracle for me. I cried a lot all day yesterday, but finally talked to my BFF and got some good moral support. The women on the WFS have all also been supportive.

I'm going to call my addictions Dr. today and see if she can fit me in this week. I really hope she can.

I'm still feeling overwhelmingly sad, so today may be another quiet day at home, all I have to do is go pick up meds at the pharmacy so if I want to have another day of crying I can.

I hate this disease. I just need to channel that hate into staying sober.

splitimage

Splitimage:

first off it's not the end of the world and secondly we all go back to what was comfortable before!

What about some sort of trauma counselling?

Thanks greentires,

I know it's not the end of the world, I just feel disappointed in myself, but really I'm not beating myself up too much.

I've done a lot of trauma counselling in the past, and would like to do more. Unfortunately counselling isn't covered by public healthcare, unless it's with a pdoc and precious few of them do any talk therapy. I need to wait until I can get a job again, and can afford to pay out of pocket.

And to complicate today, because I relapsed, I'm having cravings, and I just got a holliday cheque in the mail, so I have money, which is a trigger. Going to have to make it a point to go straight to the pharmacy and come straight home. But I'm determined to get through today without drinking.

splitimage

Here's an arsehole suggestion...I know you've written that you've been to AA before & didn't like it, but until the strong urges go away it might help to go to meetings just for 90 days, or something. I know that's probably out of the question, but just thought I'd mention it. I know you have WFS and your addiction doctor, but a third leg on the stool might help. This is a dangerous & deceptive disease.

Good morning everyone,

emgreen, I don't think your suggestion was bad at all. AA works for a lot of people. It just is too different from my belief system to be a good support for me. I am however going to to back to double recovery meetings regularly. They're based on AA, but I find them much more palatable, and useful.

Made it through yesterday without drinking, despite being strongly tempted. So I'm happy.

My addictions Dr. was able to fit me in for an appointment this afternoon. So seeing her will be good.

Feeling better about things generally this morning.

splitimage

splits - Resisting and feeling better; double good news!

Hello guys. How's everyone doing?

It's been a crazy emotional week for me. But I'm 5 weeks and 1 day clean (well, except for marijuana... Sorry 'bout that).

Congrats on the clean time from meth, Jess! It's got to feel like a great accomplishment to take control one day at a time.

Doing fine with my recovery; inside a week of hitting 6 months.

I am glad to hear you are still ticking off the days and weeks. Meth is a tough out.

Yeah, my girlfriend doesn't think it's a problem at all. I had a talk about me going to rehab in February, and she blew up and said I didn't need it and I was taking up space. Well, she confirmed doubts in my own mind that I don't need it. I mean, I'm doing quite well on my own. However, the 28 day program isn't to get clean. It's for people who have been clean at least a month and who want to STAY clean. I tried to explain that to her but she doesn't understand. She has been in it longer than me and is doing it on her own, by choice (or pure stubbornness). She said she needs it more than me, and she does, and I told her that she could get the SAME HELP RIGHT NOW for FREE and gave her the information, and she STILL chose to do it on her own. I am... livid actually.

Holy cow, Jess! That's a lot to process...I'm sorry you're in that space. Perhaps I should mind my own business, but your girlfriend shouldn't be the determining factor in your decision to forego treatment. Good luck negotiating the rapids. You've been doing great for quite a while now! Do what ya gotta do to keep it up...whatever route that is.

The program to work on staying clean sounds like a good idea. I never had much trouble with quitting alcohol but after I had stayed sober a while I would start thinking I could allow myself a drink or two every now and then and just keep it under control. It would spiral back to problem drinking. I imagine the same sort of thing happens to people with meth and other drugs. I know that when my back or knee is in pain, the thought does cross my mind that maybe it would be okay to get painkillers since I have not abused them in a while (I am just over 10 months clean of opioids). There is a very high risk of relapse if I get my hands on some pills. It is your decision, but the program to work on staying clean sounds like a good idea to me.

Jess, You're doing amazing staying off meth on your own. But please don't give up on rehab, especially on the advice of another addict. Rehab can be an incredibly helpful experience in learning what your triggers are, and strategies to learn without addiction.

In all honesty, it sounds like your girlfriend is afraid of losing her using buddy - not uncommon. I hope you'll do whatever you need to do to protect your sobriety.

splitimage

Thank you guys. It was a really hard not, a lot of unnecessary fighting, but my girlfriend and I broke up in the end. Which is maybe the best thing for us right now. We've broken up before but I think this is for real. I said a lot of hurtful and nasty things in my anger.

I'm sorry things had to end like that, Jess. You're in my thoughts. Keep staying clean!

I'm sorry Jess - that's hard.

Please don't use over it.

splitimage

That's never easy. I'm sorry it had to happen to you.

As Kermit the frog would say "it's not easy being green"

He always try to get with Mrs piggy and she always had a different agenda.

Now I am not saying it was like your relationship at all. But I would like to say that no matter how many times you break up you'll still have a special bond together.