[bizi]

I think she(hattie) is worse. I have not seen her eat nor drink. She goes in to get her stitches removed tomorrow so she will be able to get the thunder shirt off so that is good. She doesn't like it.

She is still sneezing quite a bit. Poor girl.


I went to the chiropractors office yesterday. my back is painful on the right side. He adjusted my whole body and it felt good once he was done. But now my back is worse. It hurts when ever I move, especially when I lift my right leg.

I have an SI joint inflammation (sacral illiac). It is a repetitive stress injury from work. Last night, I used an ice pack then used the hot moist pillow that I had that jeff got for me. IT is for your neck but I use it on my back. You heat it up in the microwave and it magically creates moist heat.

I had a hard time getting to sleep and woke up often trying to get comfortable. Finally just got out of bed at 8;30. need to get going.
I think I will have to break down and take advil. with food.
he said 800mg. So I will take that now.


Brians flight is delayed due to weather. He is stuck in houston, has been texting me updates. Don't know when he will take off. He was due in at 11:30 but now...don't know at this point. I think he got up very early this morning. He will be hungry when he finally gets here, so far 45 minute delay he just let me know.

sick cat
pain in back
rain delay
not a good report.
bizi

[bizi]

The banquet was great!
so proud of jeff.
great to see his brother.
we ate lunch at prejeans and had fried alligator,cup of corn and crab bisque soup which was more like corn chowder no liquid. very tasty.
split an order of crawfish enchiladas which was very good.
then on to the cultural museum the movie was on the hour and was very long and depressing. It put brian to sleep he had hardly any sleep....he is in the shower now getting ready for bed. He has a habit of staying up late on his phone. Jeff has to get up early to teach an 8am lesson.
We need to leave the house at 9am for the swamp tour.
hopefully get a better nights sleep. It was hard sleeping with my back pain last night.(SI joint pain)


bizi

[bizi]

I remained alcohol free for lent and have been drinking ever since then.
hattie was very happy to get her staples out and thunder shirt off.
back to her old self.
her respiratory sinus stuff has gone away, no more sneezing, thank good ness!
the vet gave her an anti biotic shot thqat supposedly last 14 days so thqt is good as she is an almost impossible pill taker....jeff got good using a pill injector.
It was hot today 86 and high humidity.
summer is here in the south.
I threw my back out last week. have been going to see a chiropractor with some success.. Will continue to see him for 6 more weeks.
Heck of a deal $60 dollars for 4 visits.
Had left over beef stew for dinner tonight trying to stick to my 8 hour of eating drinking. Trying to do the intermittant fasting. though am drinking which burns up calories first.
Doing a load of laundry.....
bizi

[bizi]

I am not happy with my life right now.
Have gotten off of my diet and have drank every night since easter.
I was thinking I would do a dry may but that resolve went straight out the window. So eating freely and drinking freely means that I gain weight and that is what has happened.
sigh
not happy at all.
My back is much better, still seeing a chiro. I think he is helping.
2 days ago I woke up with severe pain in my shoulder like I slept on it wrong.
He adjusted my shoulder. I think it is on the mend. It feels better now just sore still.

My work is slow and has me concerned. So I have been going around and dropping off business cards and brocheres. Went to a senior center and she allowed me to have them there, she even had a display holder that I could use.
I am going to call about he council on aging paper, they were closed already when I called yesterday. Not sure what their prices are. I have used them before but am not sure how successful it was. The paper comes out 6 times a year. I think I should reach out every day passing out business cards etc.

Today and tomorrow are off and I don't have plans. It is supposed to rain today...right now..it is over cast. I should work in the yard, every thing has been neglected so it cries for attention, am overwhelmed when I think about it. Last weekend I worked in getting a bed of cannas cleared out, it felt good doing something that I could see a difference. Maybe just work on cleaning off the patio? We need a new mat out there, ours is falling a part.. Maybe I could find a new one.

Jeff just said it rained last night and this morning, he got up early. I did not get up until 10:30. Was miserable last night overly full and had too much to drink.
sigh
I really need to get back to my dieting.
sigh
bizi __________

[bizi]

I finally did some work! I washed the outside windows for both the patio and the back door.
I took a broom to the out side carport and knock down the cob webs and such from the ceiling of the car port and wiped down the ledges.
Jeff and I had lunch at chris' today. We split a muffalotta. Yum it was delicious!
Went to tuesday morning store and bought a new out door mat for the patio. Jeff hosed off the patio and when it drys I will put it where the old one was which is now in the trash.

I am changing the subject.

my husband has been studying the topic of non dualism. I think he is being brainwashed and I looked up cult and non dualism and there seems to be a consensus that it is a cult.
I mentioned this to him the other day. and he shrugged it off.
He is spending all of his free time listening to videos, books etc. anything related to this. He even sent his brother a book about it. He is not playing the guitar as much...he also has been glued to his phone, videos etc.

sigh
I guess he could be doing worse things....like having an affair.
I just feel left out. I tried to read one of the articles and could not grasp the meanings, it was over my head so to speak.

bizi
____

[bizi]

Think I will quit posting here.
bizi

[bizi]

If anyone wants to reach me just send me a private message
bizi

[bizi]

I am still addicted to alcohol and over eating.
sigh
bizi

[bizi]

I am addicted to the internet...I call it mental masturbation.
bizi

[bizi]

We are having a couple of people over tomorrow for memorial day. they are coming at 5pm we will have pork chops and chicken, corn on the cob and green salad and fruit and then abigail is bringing a home baked apple pie.
Jeff is BBQ ing, mike is bring his own meat to throw on the grill.
it is supposed to be hot tomorrow, 90's, hello summer. hardly any spring.
It is almost june!
I hope you have a nice monday...
a lot of people have off work off I presume??
bizi ___

[bizi]

Well I met with my pdoc today.....
Dr.O is going to hook me up with a substance abuse counselor. She is with the center called victory and they utilize a 12 step program which I do not want to use and pdoc knows that.
sigh
Also, she too is cutting out my klonipin.

She said it is just not right her prescribing it since I drink.

I am at .5mg at night but wants me to go to .25mg at night for 3 weeks then discontinue that. I think that is too quick.

I have enough to taper it slower than that.

Like 1/2 and 1/4 pill=.375mg x2 weeks

then .25mg x 2 weeks

then .125mg x 2 weeks

then discontinue. That is 6 weeks, not 3.

She wants me to start taking the regular melatonin one hour before bed time(let it dissolve in my mouth first then swallow)

then take the long acting one right at bedtime.

She thinks the zyprexa should make me sleepy enough.

I am nervous about this.
I have been on klonipin for almost 2 decades! and regular melatonin never helped me before.
I guess I have to at least try.
Jeff is gone until saturday.

On a different note: I accidentally met up with a "meet up" group of women who let me join them while I was at fat pats.

It is a social group that go out to dinner/a meal twice a month. There were 10 of us and they were very nice and friendly. Some were drinking beer others just drank water. And the woman right across from me was eating her burger with out the bun. I asked her if she was doing a low carb diet and she was. So maybe I could join these ladies and do something different. Hey I might even make a friend!
The organizer of the group helped me get the app on my phone...I would have never been able to do that so I thanked her.

Her name is Nina. I met a jennifer and a molly. Don't know the rest of the gals names. Nina seemed to be the oldest in the group.
Will see how that goes.
bizi
who is doing a load of scrubs and it is beeping at me...it is done drying!

[splitimage]

Bizi,

I think seeing a substance abuse counsellor is a good idea. As for the AA approach, that's the norm in treatment centres. You could always request to use a different program, such as Women for Sobriety, or SMART Recovery, but you'd really have to be serious about working the programs to get anything out of them.

Re the Ativan - yeah that's standard too to not prescribe to people with a drinking problem. I agree that a slower taper schedule makes sense, given how long you've been on it. But I'd let your pdoc know what you're doing rather than acting on your own.

Good luck with it all.

splitimage

[wonderluster]

That's pretty cool to have your own thread.
They told me for years that I was an alcoholic.
They were wrong.

I just did not know how to use it properly.

Now I go days and weeks without a drop.
Once in a while I get stupid and sloppy.
The important thing is that I don't like being stupid and sloppy.
So...I try not to have too many too often.
Good Luck!

[bizi]

Thank you for your support! have a great day.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[wonderluster]

Bizi...fyi
The next entry is #666

[bizi]

Used to take benadryl at night for 2 years then it stopped working.

Wonder if I could take/try that again?
I don't like chamomile tea, I know I am weird. Thanks for the suggestion bobby, glad that it helped you!

I took the regular melatonin and let it dissolve in my mouth which it took forever!!!!! Tonight I am going to chew it into pieces and try to let them dissolve. I pulled out my pill boxes for 2 weeks so I can get the tapering straight. She gave me 15 more pills today with no refills.
I remembered later last night that I used to get restless leg syndrome and the klonipin took that away. Maybe that was a side effect of one of the meds that I take. Will see if it comes back, I hope not.


Kay, I was given the name of the therapist who agreed to see me. I am to call her on monday as she is on vacation this week. I guess I will see what she has to say, apparently there is a non religious AA meeting that she knows about....I am not interested in the 12 steps so will try to go one time and see how it is run. It would be nice to have a sponsor though. Her charge is $120 an hour. She would see me every 2 weeks. Well I can't afford that.

Since jeff has been away...I have gone out.
I don't like to be alone.
Have eaten too much. Drank too much.
I pulled a big bunch of climbing wicked vines out of a bush in the front yard and a couple of wasps came flying out, I must have disturbed them.

What happened to the me that was dieting and going to the gym??????
I am now in the obese category and have a 40 inch waist which is extra hard on your heart.
heavy sigh
bizi

[bizi]

just poured 5 beers down the drain.
Yesterday, I had 10-11 lost track. I did not even feel drunk! My tolerance had gotten so high.
Today is day 1.
I call the substance abuse counselor on monday to see if I can start some real therapy with an expert/specialist.
I also weighed myself.
188.3....I am really going to watch my carbs again and lose some of this weight. It is a repeated cycle. I stop drinking then diet and lose some weight then start drinking again and regain all that I lost.
I must break this cycle.
bizi

[wonderluster]

Change starts with the desire to change.
You have a desire to change, Bizi!

Good luck!

(It really just comes down to making a decision. We make the final decision when we are ready...usually after we suffered horribly)

[bizi]

The sobering truth is when I got home safe and sound after drinking 4 beers. I was 1.6 miles from my home was very careful and fully alert. It was not until in bed thinking about it more. The beers were 9% alcohol so that is really 2 beers. So I had the equivalent of 8 beers and drove home.

Stupid Stupid Stupid.
bizi

[bizi]

today is day 1....and I already want to drink. sigh

I won't though.

but my internet time has been out the roof so to speak.
at least I did a little yard work...it is all so overwhelming.
I neglected the yard for so long...it used to be so pretty now it is over grown and awful looking.
sigh
I spoke with a friend of mine she told me of a couple of AA meetings that are non religious. so that is great! It meets twice a week...wed and sat. nites at 6pm.

This friend of mine has been sober for 12 years. She said she would get me a counselors phone number who works with results based therapy.
Sounds good to me.
My psych doctor gave me the name and number of a therapist from an out patient facility that does utilize a 12 step program, which I am not interested in doing.
bizi

[wonderluster]

I understand your pain.
I once drank compulsively to feel comfortable.
When I abstained from booze for a time, I learned how to be comfortable with myself without it.
It gets easier over time.

[bizi]

I am going to the NAMI support group tonight at 6pm at the lutheran church close by. (They meet the 1st and 3rd sundays of the month).
Maybe I can meet someone there. A few years ago I met a woman and we became fast friends. She moved to missouri to be closer to her dad. We stay in touch thru face book.

I have very few friends


Most people who have a mental health dX, don't drink alcohol I presume.
I met one woman already, I took care of her dads feet, he died about a year ago. We are friendly. For a short time we Would call each other just to chat but then we stopped. It becomes uncomfortable when she doesn't have a car. I tried to get her to go with me to the gym, she was too tired to do that.


The Atheist AA group meeting is on wednesday at 6pm.

I will go there. Wonder how that will go? They rewrote the big book to remove all religious aspects from what I have heard.

Am going to start going to the gym again, to walk on the tred mill.

Jeff came home last night!!! His plane was late, I parked and waited for him at the gate. On the way home we stopped by popeyes, he was starving. I had already had a whopper with extra everything for dinner. It was very good. My first day of my diet/watching what I eat is today. Jeff came home with lots of stories.
They went hiking up a mountain, he is really sore from that. It was a 3.5 mile hike and it took the over 3 hours to make the trip. They climbed over rocks and steep cliffs. He said he had to be really careful.
His heart rate went crazy because of the high altitude. It was hard for him sleeping in the cabin the first night. The cabin is at 8,000 feet elevation, up the side of a mountain. It is basically a small house 500sq feet, 2 bed rooms one bath. His friend Mike has been fixing it up since they bought it 8 years ago. He will be there all summer. His wife and family joined him yesterday.

I missed him and am glad that he is home.
Bizi

[bizi]

Thank you @wonderluster for reading my thread and for your support!
bizi

[wonderluster]

My pleasure, bizi
I am rooting for you!

[bizi]

Originally Posted by wonderluster

I understand your pain.
I once drank compulsively to feel comfortable.
When I abstained from booze for a time, I learned how to be comfortable with myself without it.
It gets easier over time.

@wonderluster

All I have are my addictions.
Alcohol which I am trying to abstain....day 2 down.
Food (gained 50 pounds in 4 years)

starting low carb dieting again,

which works when I don't drink, I lose weight.
Internet....This is the most addicting activity that I do.
It is where I get support and give support.
Even so, I call it mental masterbation.
It is very satisfying. Instant gratification stuff, limbic stuff.

Take these away and I am a ghost.
I don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin...
what does that even mean?
Oh and I have bipolar 1 to throw in there.
I am on lots of meds to stay sane.


Thank you for hanging with me.

bizi