Happiness in a bottle

Drinking is the only thing that makes me feel truly good. I smoke weed, and I just feel tired. I've tried other drugs that were nice and relaxing, but my true love is alcohol. I've cut my drinking down to one night a week, but I drink more in that one night than most people drink in a week or more. As I get older, the hangovers and the post-drinking anxiety are bad enough to make me want to quit, but I never do.

I told my therapist recently that if I could just feel drunk all the time, I would. It's the only time I feel like I can be myself and do and say what I want. It's the only time I feel comfortable in my own body. He told me if I kept telling him that kind of thing, that he'd have to send me to a specialist. I didn't want that to happen, so I don't talk about it anymore.

For the first time in my life, about two weeks ago, I seriously considered putting liquor in my coffee to take to work. Or just hiding a couple of shots in a water bottle to take the edge off my anxiety during the day. I didn't do it, and I don't think I ever will. But it was tempting, and I did think about it. I was having a bad week. But I can't afford to lose my job.

The problem for me is not really that I drink too much, but that I drink too much because it's the only time I feel good and alive. Being sober means I feel anxious and uncomfortable, and never at ease or satisfied with myself. Sobriety is not something I enjoy. So I spend most of Saturday drinking, and most of Sunday hiding in bed feeling sick and ashamed. And I repeat from week to week.

Welcome autonoe,
Can really relate with your message!! Learning to take the edge off without alcohol isn’t easy or fun, in my opinion. Finding something else to enjoy is what I’m working on at the moment. I’m thinking of gardening.
It is happiness in a bottle, in the beginning. That soon fades, and I believe adds more stress and anxiety than before. I wish there was a magic cure for us, but I think there is no way other than feeling what we feel, and dealing with it as uncomfortable as that sounds.
I hope it comforts you to know there are others who feel the same, and at least there is a place to express and connect with those who think similar things. Xo
Sans

Thanks, sans. Finding something to replace booze is the key, but I've yet to find that thing. Feeling my feelings is the main thing my therapist wants me to accomplish in the work we do together, but right now, the only time I feel anything other than anxiety is when I drink. When I drink, I can run the gamut of emotions, and it feels good. The next day, I feel total shame.

I appreciate your words and support, and hope to catch you around the forum.

are you still seeing the therapist that you have a crush on?

bizi

Yes, I am, bizi.

finding alternative activities is key. idle time is my enemy.
Therapy can help us.
good luck to you today.
bizi