Worried about rationing my Vicodin.

I have a slight drug problem. Actually, the drug is not the problem. Fear of running out of it is.

My doctor prescribes me 40 tablets of Vicodin per month (10 mg/325 mg.) That's not enough. My Sig. Other is also on Vicodin and gets more than double what he uses. He gives me his surplus supply. That works out perfectly, so I have about exactly what I need. But this has been a rough month and I might run out, which is getting me panicky.

In the past, on 2 or 3 occasions, I told my boyfriend's provider that he was getting more than he needed. The provider disagreed. So, eventually, I decided: "Why look a gift horse in the mouth?"

I have chronic pain which the Vicodin wonderfully relieves. I take it at least twice a day. Rarely, I might take 4 in a day. I know that's very little compared to what most addicts will use. It greatly improves my quality of life. I've been doing this for a few years. The hydrocodone also makes me less depressed.

I ration the supply out because I fear using it up and having to go days without it. I would have no idea of how to get anything on the street.

I'm not sure why I started this thread. I'm not interested in hearing any sermons. I believe I've made my life better by using this drug in the amounts that I use. I do realize that I've become physically and mentally somewhat dependent on it.

Today I'm in the midst of a huge stress. I haven't taken a tablet yet because my stash is dwindling. But I'm paralyzed with discouragement because of this big stress that I just about can't face dealing with. So I'm thinking of upping my daily use to get through the current stress, but that might end my supply before refills are available. I guess I'ld like someone to tell me they know how this feels. Right now I can't get out of bed because of discouragement and fear of facing decisions I have to make real soon. Some Vicodin might get me over this hump and let me move forward.

I know exactly how I sound. However, the combination of longstanding depression and more recent pain issues is a load I just barely manage to carry. (I'm the weak type.) It would be nice if there were more effective meds for depression. For me there aren't. I've tried them all. Medical studies do validate that, for some depressives, opioids can be therapeutic.

Compared to the struggles of those who have wrestled with and, maybe, overcome hardcore addiction, this little saga of mine must sound trivial and stupid. I am in awe of former heavy users of opioids who found a way to cope with life without them. I don't understand how anyone stops using something that made them feel better. I guess, if your habit gets deep enough, the drug doesn't make life better . . . but way worse. I guess that motivates change. So far, I only know the good part of opioid use.

I'm not horribly depressed right now, but I'm on a trajectory headed in that direction. So I figure how many pills I've got and when I can get a refill. Then I have to decide whether to stick to my daily ration and ride this trajectory into the awful place it's heading, or up my use now and maybe pull myself out of a bad tailspin today, but know that I will have no pills left by the weekend. It's an unhappy way to think. Many here know that far better than I do.

Do I deserve any sympathy at all? Probably not much in most people's opinion.

I have totally been in the place you are now in. Many, many, many times. I won't preach. I became horribly addicted to opiates. The primary reason it was so hard for me to stop using was that the particular drug I was dependent on really helped my depression. Quitting that drug was unbelievably hard. It was like a double-whammy. I had to deal with all the withdrawal stuff, plus my depression became just totally out of control. But I did it and I am now 11 years sober. I treat my bipolar depression with more traditional things now, even though it is at times brutally hard.

You are in a very difficult situation. You are dependent on your Vicodin. You need it to get through the day. And I would only say that, when you start spending time planning out how many pills you are going to have and when you are maybe going to run out, well, that reminds me a lot of me. I'm so sorry.

The last thing I would say is that there are potentially very serious legal consequences to receiving your BF's opiates. Not preaching here, but it is way against the law. I know someone who used to carry her BF's Adderall because he was a recovering addict. Everyone knew this was the plan, treatment team included. Well, she got pulled over for speeding and, lo and behold, they found the Adderall that was not hers. She tried to explain why that was. The cop, like most cops, was smart and so he asked her whether her urine would contain Adderall if they tested it. Busted. She was taking the BF's Adderall on the DL. Legal consequences. So, I hope your relationship with your BF is rock-solid, because I don't want you to have to deal with that mess.

Said I wouldn't preach and I won't. I'll just say I am extremely worried about you and I am heartbroken, as someone who has been there, that his is your life right now. It doesn't have to be this way, just know that. Sending you prayers and love and positive vibes.

Well, bpcyclist, that was a way kinder response than I was expecting anyone to post. Thank you for responding.

Congratulations on your 11 years of recovery. I am in awe of anyone turning an addiction like that around. I hope you are having success also in managing your depression and that the "brutal" episodes don't last too long. But, still, they do come around, and yet that doesn't drive you back to what could be quick relief . . . in the short-term. I'm pretty much a long-term analyzer myself. Though it may legitimately be thought that I'm not giving due consideration to all that one should consider. Since an opiate did help your depression, which can afflict you severely, you do appreciate how that factors in when one makes a decision to access a drug illegally. I'm not doing this for kicks. You rightly point out that I am dependent, as evidenced by how carefully I husband my supply. I'm not habituated to taking a lot of hydrocodone, but that doesn't lessen how vital the amount I take has become to me. My access to that amount is insecure, since my boyfriend's contribution to my supply could vanish abruptly . . . and will do one day, probably not too far off. (He's terminally ill.)

The relationship I'm in is rock-solid. Part of why I need this much analgesia is because my boyfriend, who is very ill and mobility-impaired, depends utterly on me for a level of hands-on caregiving that I could not otherwise provide to him. I keep him comfortable, and the pills keep me just comfortable enough to not feel I can't continue. He happens to not experience a lot of pain (yet,) despite his dire prognosis. He likes only a tablet at bedtime to help him sleep. That keeps him appropriately positive in the mandated urine checks he is occasionally given. So I don't see a high threat of getting busted, which I realize is not all that matters. My bf acts delighted that he can subsidize my supply. He gives the inaccurate feedback to his provider to keep the surplus coming (which I tried twice to discourage.) I don't mean to rationalize. It's just how this came about. I'm sure everyone has a story as to how their usage "came about."

I appreciate every word of your post. Thank you for discussing this with me. I'm glad to have had a chance to be candid about what I'm doing with someone. I'm not looking to change anything right now. Eventually, a change will likely be imposed on me, as circumstances change for my Sig. Other and me. I don't foresee my own provider upping my supply, when I no longer get someone else's surplus - not with the current pressure on providers to limit access. That's just going to get more strict.

My bf is in the hospital now, after a tough week with his problems . . . tough on both of us. Today I've felt like I am at the limit of my coping capacity. I might be able to get him into a nursing home for a short stay, while I recover a bit. IDK.

Tomorrow's another day. People get through tough stuff. You did. I did take about 13.5 mg of hydrocodone 4 hours ago (with my Ritalin 20 mg.) I might only need 10 more mg of Vicodin tonight, if my insomnia eases up. So that's kind of keeping within my "budget," and I'm finally willing to get out of bed. I just have to get through today. I might not feel so bad tomorrow. I sure appreciate hearing from someone.

Thanks for understanding how up against it I feel and the role that an opiate plays in that.

@Rose76

Just wanted to offer you some support.

My drug of choice is alcohol.
You have a lot going on your plate with your SO being terminal and in the hospital. You must feel a relief that he is getting the medical attention that he needs.
Take care of yourself.Sorry you are going thru this.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

I used to like alcohol. It relieved anxiety. It calmed me down. It made problems seem manageable. Now I just have wine with dinner, and it's diluted with seltzer. Any more than that makes me feel crummy. I miss how I used to enjoy it.

But I love me some hydrocodone. Got a refill today from my PCP, who I had to see for restless leg syndrome that just started 3 nights ago. (RLS is torture. Had it 3 years ago caused by severe anemia from a bleeding ulcer. My PCP ordered labs.) So my panic about running out is relieved. Whewwwww.

This will help me straighten up the wreck I made of this apartment over past few days. When I'm sore, I don't do much, but read and watch TV.

Now, if I can just get to sleep.

Hey @Rose76

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76 My doctor prescribes me 40 tablets of Vicodin per month (10 mg/325 mg.) That's not enough. My Sig. Other is also on Vicodin and gets more than double what he uses. He gives me his surplus supply. That works out perfectly, so I have about exactly what I need. But this has been a rough month and I might run out, which is getting me panicky. In the past, on 2 or 3 occasions, I told my boyfriend's provider that he was getting more than he needed. The provider disagreed. So, eventually, I decided: "Why look a gift horse in the mouth?"

I get you completely. I am a recovering alcoholic with legit chronic pain issues due to autoimmune disorder.
I have had about 5 surgeries in 2 years. I am prescribed 1 5mg percocet no more than twice a day. Some would say this violates the AA rules but I do not believe i was put on this earth to suffer. I could definitely use more per day but I need to be really careful.

Quote:

I have chronic pain which the Vicodin wonderfully relieves. I take it at least twice a day. Rarely, I might take 4 in a day. I know that's very little compared to what most addicts will use. It greatly improves my quality of life. I've been doing this for a few years. The hydrocodone also makes me less depressed.

This is where I become watchful. I do not know if you are bipolar or what mental health issues you have but there are sets of people that get dopey and nod off on opiates and sets of people who get pain relief, energized and have increased mood. I am one of the latter. I know from having had to take more medicine with surgeries that more percocet would definitely help my mood. But taking more means that the pain relief part of it would not be affective without more of the medication. So even though I may mentally feel better, over time I wouldnt get the same relief which is the whole point of taking it to begin with.

Quote:

Today I'm in the midst of a huge stress. I haven't taken a tablet yet because my stash is dwindling. But I'm paralyzed with discouragement because of this big stress that I just about can't face dealing with. So I'm thinking of upping my daily use to get through the current stress, but that might end my supply before refills are available. I guess I'ld like someone to tell me they know how this feels. Right now I can't get out of bed because of discouragement and fear of facing decisions I have to make real soon. Some Vicodin might get me over this hump and let me move forward.

I get this and I would be a liar if I said I never took a prescribed pill for anything other than pain. I do not have withdrawals or harmful effects when I do not take the pain medicine and plenty of days have gone by without my needing it. But I have had a day or two where the pain was fine but I knew I was allowed to have one and I took it.
I am over the whole thing. In NJ I actually called the medical MJ coalition to ask about it. They made it so that any provider of any kind who is registered can prescribe it. I found a doc in my town and they said they took my insurance but when I got there they said insurance doesnt cover MJ evals. The coalition said if I already have a pain management doc I can see if they will consider it. I see my pain management doc in November and plan on bringing it up. If he says no, I will save up the 300$ for an eval and register. I even asked my pharmacist today his opinion and he is all for it as well. I am not saying it would work for you but imagine if we could reduce any of our artificial medications with something natural? I also want to use it for anxiety and I do not want to smoke it so I will need to get medical MJ. I know this is a tangent but its what my thinking is.

Quote:

I know exactly how I sound. However, the combination of longstanding depression and more recent pain issues is a load I just barely manage to carry. (I'm the weak type.) It would be nice if there were more effective meds for depression. For me there aren't. I've tried them all. Medical studies do validate that, for some depressives, opioids can be therapeutic.

F*** how you think you sound! And anyone who wants to scream "addict" at you can F*** off as well. If you have never truly lived with chronic pain and mental illness you have no idea. I do not think you are an addict but I worry that wanting to take it for mood could inadvertedly cause an issue for you.

Quote:

Do I deserve any sympathy at all? Probably not much in most people's opinion.

You deserve love AND empathy. Sympathy too.

Thanks, SarahS, for all that understanding. I hope you are feeling decent for the time being.

As for what AA requires, I've known recovering alcoholics who felt that the true, original AA tradition was to focus on not drinking, if that were what had been ruining their lives. They resent what they consider a newer deviation from the old tradition that gets into micromanaging every aspect of the recovering alcoholic's life. Someone I was close to was near to dying from alcohol use. He got off it, but does find other substances useful in helping him cope. Since his use of those in no way impairs and threatens his life, like alcohol did, I think it's best he do what he needs to do. I wonder about individuals who think they should devise purity tests for what constitutes working a program. If you joined AA to stop drinking, and you have stopped drinking, then you are getting your goal accomplished. No one can tell you what your goals should be. If some weed helps my friend stay sober and out of that handcart he was riding to Hades when he drank, then his way of working the program is working.

I belong to that latter group you describe who are more productive when they use an opiate, as opposed to getting dopey. I think you make a valid point that there is that divergence in what people are trying to get out of using an opiate.

Forgot to post this the other day, but just wanted you to know the power of addiction over time. I had my first Vicodin using dream in 9 years the day after you posted this. I don't think it's a coincidence. The power these drugs had over my life will be with me until the day I day. Sober for 11 years and your story had such an impact on me that whatever subconscious stuff I have going on about opiates came straight to the surface, Absolutely amazing. And please know, I am not putting this on you. This is all me. My illness. It is powerful, even after you've been sober for quite awhile.

Thanks, bp. I remember reading back in the late 70s that heroin addicts were known to claim that, even after being off it for years, that the craving for it never completely goes away. This was in a publication by a very respected nonprofit organization. Heroin, of course, is an opiate. This is why I think it's silly that doctors have defended overprescribing opiates by saying they weren't aware of how addicting these drugs were. Opiates are not something new. They've been around for centuries. As a student nurse in 1977, I was taught about the lethality of these drugs, which depress the body's drive to breathe. I was surprised at how many Vicodin tablets my doctor ordered for me when I first complained of neck and back pain. Politicians seem to want to villify the pharmaceutical industry for the opioid addiction epidemic . . . like they had some new information that they withheld from doctors and the public. It's like we are just realizing how addictive these drugs are, and we're just figuring out how lethal they can be. None of that should be news to anyone.

It does seem that doctors became a lot more open-handed in prescribing opioids in recent years. That seems to me to correlate with a movement starting in the 60s and 70s that said patients have a right to pain relief, and that pain is as bad as the patient says it is. Another factor, I think, is that alternative forms of analgesia have been found to come with their own very serious risks. Tylenol is awfully poisonous. NSAIDS, from aspirin to Motrin to prescription versions like Indocin, can cause bleeding ulcers. Opiates - if you don't overdo them - may actually be safer than aspirin or Tylenol. So their usage took off.

I think your dream is evidence of the hold that a drug in this category has over the mind of a person who becomes habituated to it. My initial post here gives similar evidence. The big question is where do you draw the line between appropriate use and abuse. Another issue is: Should we be just expected to consider pain part of life and something we have to put up with? I have trouble with that because I don't do well with pain. I feel I shouldn't have to put up with it when it can be remedied. But I do have to ask myself if I'm creating another, maybe bigger, problem.

I'm running out. I got like 1 left. My s.o. has like 2 left. Can't refill either of our prescriptions for another week. He's been in the hospital and now in a rehab place. So I have to hold off reordering his, since he hasn't been home to take any for over 2 weeks.

7 days ago I came down with what I think is a bad cold . . . really bad. Fever, body aches - even my eyeballs hurt. So I used up my supply sooner than normal.

Tomorrow I get my bf out of the nursing home. I don't know how I'm going to care for him over the next week with no pain pills. Plus I'm depressed because feeling sore makes me lose interest in anything that involves getting off the sofa.

3 years ago I ran short. After the first 5 days or so, it's less bad. I know opioids lower my pain threshhold. So, when I first run out, there is that "rebound achiness," which gets less bad, after some time passes.

I told him to complain of pain at the nursing home and try to get them to get him an order for Vicodin. Then, when I pick him up, he'ld get to bring home all the left overs. But he didn't manage to do that. He has trouble putting words into sentences and following a plan. At least he's recovered from his recent illness, and pain isn't much of an issue for him, even though he has cancer.

But I've been sore and sick for days. I'll probably get over this bug in a couple of days.

I have to put the new mattress on the hospital bed. Moving around mattresses is the sort of thing that is hard to do when I haven't taken a pain pill and let it kick in. But I suppose it wouldn't kill me to go fix up the hospital bed. Moving and accomplishing something might make me feel better.

Everyday I struggle with gnawing soreness. A Vicodin tablet two or three times a day fixes me real good. And makes me a lot less depressed.

I have to face that I need to move around and do things, even though I'm sore. I have to just make myself.

To me, life is not worth living, if it means being achey and sore all day long. That's not to say that I have any self-harm thoughts. I don't. A few drinks used to make me feel better, but not anymore. Just makes me feel tired and queezy. So I don't bother with more than just a wine spritzer with dinner.

The water heater is not working right, so I can't take a warm shower. I just found out I have to go for intravenous iron infusions because my labs say I'm very anemic. That means I probably have a bleeding ulcer again. So I'm taking more pantoprazole.

I just function way better when I can take my usual few daily doses of Vicodin. But I'm close to completely out of them. I don't dare ask my PCP for a refill early. The medication vial says, "This should last until such-and-such a date." I figure prescribers these days mean that very seriously.

Ritalin is just making my mind run around in circles. I think I'm going to stop taking it.

I see those spots on TV about how people who've been on antipsychotics are coming down with irreversible tardive dyskinesia. That's really awful. I was being pushed to take antipsychotics like Seroquel for depression a few years ago. After a while, I refused drugs like that. I think the controlled, modest use of opioids is much safer and more effective (for me) than taking antipsychotics would be. But there's no good arguing that with a doctor. They're scared of getting in trouble.

In a week, I can get a refill. I guess I'll survive till then.

Just my ramblin thoughts. Trying to think my way out of being depressed. Best to just get up and do something constructive.

Just saw this. I've been incredibly psychotic and am not posting. Trying to be calm and stay out of the hospital. But I did want to respond to this, because I know where you are. I have been there a thousand times. It is awful. And I'm so sorry. If you can, I recommend taking some NSAIDs while you're dealing with this--if you are allowed to take them, that is. I think they can help combat some of the pain aspect of withdrawal. If not them, Tylenol. Not sure what state you are in, but some people also say cannabis can help with withdrawal stuff. Never tried that, myself.

I found warm baths helped. Being sure I had loose, soft, comfy clothing, as my skin was crazy sensitive. Blankets nearby in case I got cold. Clonidine can really help. but you need an rx for it and you have to watch your bp closely. That's all I got.

Praying for you. Don't give up. This will get better. It's not forever. Ending things is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Take it from an expert. Don't give up. And pray. You will get through this. Keep me posted.

I haven't had any vicodin for 3 days. I feel stiff and sore. I mostly just stay in bed, on the couch or in a recliner.

I just took an Indocin. I feel letharfic and apathetic.

I asked my PCP's office for a refill scrip. I I'll get it sometime this week. Hope they call tomorrow to say I can pick it up.

This is miserable.

Rose - I've been following along. I'm sorry you're in the position you're in and are out and are going to have to suffer through withdrawal on top of your own pain.

I've been where you are with both benzo's and seroquel.


I used to play around with with my clonazepam and take more than was prescribed, and then they started cracking down on prescribing and elevatated its control level in Canada. I finally had to confess to my prescriber and he freaked out, and said he'd continue to prescribe but only a week at a time.

Then when I went on Seroquel, I loved that it knocked me out, so I still struggle to not take a whole bunch at the start of the prescription and then run out, as it's another one they don't like doing early refills on.

My last prescription refill, I screwed up and really am down to rationing my seroquel this coming week. Fortunately the withdrawal is tolerable, but it's still not comfortable. As it is, I'll have to go one day without it before I get the refill.

So I can totally relate to where you're at.


Sending you best wishes to get through this.

splitimage

Still pretty sick here, but just had to post that--you can do this! It won't be long until you feel better. Hang in there. Keep doing what you can to comfort yourself. It will be better soon. All the best--

Thanks to all above for the concern and support. You do seem to understand.

I'm wondering if I'm unusually drug-sensitive, or if this is just what habitual use (even at a low level) does to anyone?

Splitimage - something similar happened to me over the years I took Librium (chlordiazepoxide - a benzo.) For years, I was prescribed 10 mg capsules, and I took two of them every evening, along with amitriptyline 50 mg, to be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. They did help me to fall asleep, but I didn't find they had much of a mood impact, so I had no temptation to overuse them. Over the years, they seemed less and less effective at helping me to get sleepy at night, so I kind of lost interest in taking them. From time to time I ran out and didn't rush to get a refill, or rush to the MD for a new script. But I discoved something. And the exact same thing happened over and over. When I first ran out, I didn't really miss the Librium because it hadn't been doing that much for me. But, about a week and a half or 10 days after I ran out, I would get this restless sensation. It would just come on out of nowhere, and it was horrible. I now believe it was "akathisia." It would start and continue round the clock. My arms were affected and my legs and my body in general. It was like "restless leg disorder," but I felt it all over. I could not sit still. I tried alcohol. That was useless. I would fill up the tub with hot water and get in and out of it over and over. Soon as I got more Librium, I woukd take like 40 mg. Shortly thereafter, this maddening, fidgity feeling would go away. What a relief! That restless feeling could drive a person to jumping off the roof of a tall building. I learned not to run out for more than a few days - which I could tolerate fine.

It occurred to me that I was staying on this Librium just to avoid the "restless thing" I would get a week after stopping. So I weened off of it gradually and stopped taking it altogether. I don't miss it in the least.

So here I am taking just 2 or 3 doses of Vicodin (10/325) per day - everyday. I run out for 72 hours, and my life is not worth living. My pain level has never been all that great. It's more like a low level, smoldering achiness and soreness that goes away if I just do nothing and stay in my recliner all day. But, with the Vicodin, I can feel like 10 years of aging went away. The improvement in my quality of life is stunning.

Last evening, I found one stray tablet of Vicodin in a weekly med-minder box that I thought was empty. I took it with one tablet of Ritalin 20 mg (because I read that Ritalin potentiates hydrocodone.) In 2 hours the misery of the previous 3 days just melted away, and I was fine - able to cook dinner and start straightening out the apt. (For previous 2 nights, I had gotten take-out food for dinner because cooking was utterly beyond me.) I took that one tablet that an angel must have planted there, and I was right as rain. Here I am now, up early, and I still feel fine. I'm thinking this is some extreme sensitivity I have to the presence or absence of a drug in my bloodstream, once I've become habituated to even a rather modest level of use. It was true of the benzo (Librium) and is true of the opioid.

I took Seroquel some years back. That stuff made me stuperous. I couldn't walk straight on it. It did nothing good for me, but I can see where it will definitely knock you out. I wasn't looking for that degree of sedation, and I fear the adverse effects of antipsychotics - which are many and serious.

So now I'm waiting for a call to come pick up my script for 40 tablets of Vicodin. I was ahead of schedule calling, so they might wait a few days. Or they might just write it today. That's what I'm praying for. But I'l probably be fine for much of today, just from that one pill I found last eve.

I would never, ever tell any doctor/provider any of this for fear of getting my supply cut off. In a week, my bf will get his refill of Vicodin, and I will be safe and secure. I have zero intention of ever trying to stop taking hydrocodone. It just makes my life so much better. But I fear the govt stopping doctors from giving it to people like me, as I believe is the case in Europe.

We can find stray pills in the darndest places!

What you are describing sounds like very typical, garden variety withdrawal from opiates stuff to me. Although you are very special, in this, I think there is nothing special at all about what you have going on. This what it is. Actually, not belittling your suffering in any way, but it could be quite a bit worse, believe it or not. So, very glad it isn't. And benzo withdrawal is felt by many to be one of the very worst withdrawal syndromes, in part because it just goes on and on and on. And akathesia is just pure torture. So sorry you had to go through that.

Stay strong. Hopefully you can get that prescription filled tomorrow. Sending you positive vibes.

Thanks. I really appreciate the feedback . . . that this is just to be expected when one gets used to an opiate. Yeah, a few hours after my last post, I found a half of a tablet in a pill minder box. Took that, and the day went pretty okay.

Bpcyclist, I do realize that my present discomfiture is uncomparable to what withdrawal can be for those who use opiates in quantities beyond what I've ever tried. I've worked in a jail and seen withdrawal.

That half tablet I took yesterday morning is long petered out. I was doing great until cleaning up after supper last night. Washing dishes sets off low back pain. I couldn't finish the dishes. But sitting in a comfortable chair fixes everything, as long as I stay there. My heart goes out to people who are really in awful pain. That's not my lot in life . . . so far. The pain pills mainly let me be way more active than I would otherwise be. I can prune rose bushes and rake up garden debris. Without these pills that neutralize how sore I get when I do anything, I wouldn't do anything.

So today is dragging, while I wait for that phone call, saying "come get your script." No call today. So, maybe, tomorrow.

I'm not suffering really. I just want to get back to feeling good. I take care of my sig. other, who is terminally ill and very mobility impaired. Helping him from point A to point B involves a fair amount of exertion on my part. Moving him around and cooking dinner and cleaning up is almost beyond me. But hydrocodone makes it all doable. I don't want him to go to a nursing home. After he's gone, I'll go back to swimming at the Y. I'll do healthier things to deal with my stiff, achiness.

Hey @Rose76 You know I identify and support you but be really careful with requesting your s/o speak of pain he may not have or assuming control over his rx. If he gets drug tested they could nail him and you and I both know that it skates the line as far as legality. Because I am an alcoholic and know what its like to be controlled by a substance but have also suffered chronic pain and had five surgeries in 2 years I feel I am in a unique place. I would never talk to my AA friends about needing pain killers or being prescribed adderall because there are so many people that think every single possible addictive substance means you will go right back to the place you were before you got sober. I mean I talk to one AA friend and my sponsor but overall the recovery community is pretty ridiculous with opinions on these types of meds. I just met with my Pain Man doc Tuesday and requested a med MJ referral. I have tried it twice and once it did nothing and once it was a miracle so she referred me to who they work with to see what he says. I have no idea if its the solution but I do believe that compulsion to take more than needed to ward off something I fear happening will be less. I am only prescribed 2 5mg oxycodone w/o tylenol per day. I have trouble because I hold off until the pain is debilitating and then the two does not do anything. The doc keeps telling me to take them regularly but I am scared to. I abused xanax years ago and was a hot mess yet when my daughter first ran away was able to handle a 2 week supply of valium with no issues. I never used up all the pain killers from my surgeries and just finished up a three-treatment unbearable root canal and just opted for tylenol. Do I think you are addicted? Absolutely. Is that necessarily bad? No. I definitely think you are dependent physically and mentally but that is also not horrible. I am a f**king hazard without my adderall. I am 100% dependent on it. I will go through withdrawals if I stop my cymbalta but I can go without pain medicine for weeks and stop suddenly or not take it. I do not know what my point is here but I support you without judgement.
Keep your chin up and be careful.

Thank you, Sarahsweets. I would agree with your appraisal of my situation. I'm sorry you deal with so much pain. Maybe the medical MJ will help.

I haven't slept all night.

Maybe today.

Yeah . . . maybe today. Ninety minutes ago, I took Ritalin 20 mg. It has some analgesic effect.

I thought of calling my PCP's office again today. But I hate to seem "needy" of my refill. I don't want to seem impatient, which they could take as a red flag.

It was my bf - bless his heart - who got the bright idea, a few years ago, of exaggerating his pain issue, so he would be prescribed a bigger monthly alotment of Vicodin tablets . . . that he could "share." Initially, I tried to discourage him doing that. Eventually, I didn't. So yesterday his VA nurse shows up for a visit. She asks him about pain. He denies having any. He has some dementia, which lately has worsened. So he forgets a lot. Of course, I jump in to remind him how beneficial he finds his prescription for Vicodin. He seems to not follow me. I experience a sense of dismay. When the nurse leaves, I try to cut through his mental fog and get him to recall how he has been helping me out over the past couple of years. I tell him that I am barely managing to cope with caring for him and how that's only possible, if I get enough pain med to get through a typical day. Plus, he genuinely does need some Vicodin available for himself.

It's not lost on me, Sarahsweets, that I am behaving with a measure of desperation. He does take enough Vicodin to cause him to always test positive on the pee test that the VA occasionally requests. Recently, in the ER, I asked them to include opiate testing in his bloodwork, since his PCP needs to verify he uses the stuff, and urine sampling can be tough to arrange. Well they were way ahead of me and said that was already ordered. I guess, if you have known access to opiates, the ER will tox-screen you automatically. I hadn't realized that. So, yes, as Sarah pointed out, you may be subject to drug testing, when you least expect it.

His PCP was talking about what I could expect, if he passes away at home, which is what we're hoping for. She said the coroner's office has someone designated to show up immediately and examine the controlled substances in the home. This person will count the tablets left in the vial, and take note of the date on it. I gather this is to explore whether the deceased person may have been deliberately overdosed. (If you're a client of a "hospice" provider, that doesn't get done.) So there's more opportunities to get into trouble than one might anticipate.

I never expected to be doing what I'm doing. I always figured that, as long as alcohol is legal, that would do me, as a soothing substance. Age changes us. One glass of wine with dinner is nice. Any more just makes me feel sick. Because I'm averse to inhaling smoke, weed has never interested me. Then there's opiates, which I think Heaven intended for the relief of human misery. But we're at a point in time where the hammer is coming down on years of careless prescribing. I think the Law has over-reacted. It's going to be easier to get an AK-47 than some pain pills. I think legislators are getting a bit hysterical. Last time I went to the pharmacy, my PCP had ordered me some inhalable Narcan. Probably good to get that stuff spread around in the community.

Some recent studies have been done on the use of opioids to treat depression. They were so used before other psych drugs got invented. Those newer drugs are proving less effective than was hoped. So opioids for depression are getting a new look. There's evidence they can have an antidepressant effect. No real surprise there. Obviously, if they didn't make people feel better, they wouldn't get abused. I wish Society could be more rational in regulating usage.

Some of what we hear is not rational. The opioid crisis is being blamed on drug manufacturers encouraging doctors to over-prescribe and not keeping doctors informed of the risks of opioid use. That is such crap. Opiates are a very old class of drugs. We knew a hundred years ago how addictive and lethal they were. I've heard nothing new about opiates that I wasn't told back in 1977 in nursing school. They depress the respiratory drive, which can easily be lethal. An eminent surgeon who helped found Johns Hopkins Hospital back in 1889 was addicted to morphine. He knew back then pretty much most of what we know now. He knew it first-hand, and his colleagues knew about his addiction. Doctors have always known about the lethality of opioids. But its trending these days to demonize the manufacturers. I'm not sure what that's about.

That's all part of the atmosphere that affects our access to opioid pain relievers. I just hope I don't lose something that makes my life seem better. I do see where losing an opioid makes life seem worse than if I had never used it. That is something to think about.

Rose,I think people could make more viable suggestions to you if you describe what your physical pain is and what immune disorder you have that is causing it. Here’s a cautionary tale about Vicodin: My best friend has chronic pain in her hands from a malpractice episode years ago w an iv at a hospital. She admits she is addicted to Vicodin. It has started to cause ongoing hairline cracks in her spine from osteoporosis. You sound awfully desperate on this issue, and getting extra by saying your bf needs them makes you sound like you already are addicted. No preaching? People who really care about you are going to express some concerns here.
You have a very stressful situation. The last thing you need is an addiction. I would suggest you try some non THC cannabis products. I have pain from frozen shoulder and tho I take the gummies for anxiety, I have found that they loosen up my muscles and thereby help with the pain. Hugs to you as a fellow caregiver.

I would also suggest that you find a really good pain specialist. We’re also fond of you and sorry to see you stressing like this.

Well, did you get that prescription filled?

Yeah, all is well now. And I'm using less of it. Seems my pain threshhold was raised during my days without the tablets.

I've been busy and away from PC. So I'm just seeing the last posts. Thank you very much for your continued interest. I appreciate the concern and kind comments.

I didn't know about opiates leading to bone fractures. I'll have to learn more about that.

I have had this chronic, nagging soreness since my mid 50s. A doctor told me the neck thing is arthritis. Then there's sudden stabbing back pain at different levels of my back, depending on what I'm doing. Sometimes I think it's just muscular weakness from being deconditioned, as I've not exercised for years. Sometimes I think it seems to fit what I hear about fibromyalgia, except I don't really believe in that disorder. My father had severe osteoarthritis, which ran in his family. But my joints aren't really the big problem. My many sore spots seem to be where muscle attaches to bone - entheses points.