[I love my husband]

Two days ago I discovered my husband has been engaging in sex-chat websites for hours at a time as long as I’ve known him (5 years). Online, not in person. In any case, a violation of trust. After long conversations, this discovery was compounded by his shocking admission that

Possible trigger:

my husband was molested as a 3-year old, lost his virginity to a baby sitter at age 9, and was abducted and sodomized by a trucker while hitchhiking at age 20.

He is 45 now and says he will seek help for his apparent sex addiction and PTSD.

I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how he feels and how to move forward now. I feel compassion for him, but worry about myself.

I experience general anxiety disorder and have struggled with depression. My mood has plummeted since finding out two days ago.

Has anyone dealt with this. I don’t want to bring this up to ANYONE we know.

[bizi]

You both will need therapy.
Honesty is really important. I am sorry that your hubby has had such trauma.
Good luck to you both.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[bpcyclist]

I haven't been through this, but I agree that therapy is probably going to be the route of first choice. Do you personally have a therapist?

[I love my husband]

Yes, but I do not feel comfortable bringing this up to my therapist. Specifically, I do not want to bring up his Sexting/sex cam chat habits and the details of his trauma. We live in a small town. We have had numerous intense stressors recently, so I am going to bring up my own overwhelm/despondent feelings, but no details of my husband’s behavior/disclosures. At least, not yet. I decided to go through “better help” and I scheduled a video session for marriage counseling for both of us.

He sees it more as “interactive porn”. We have been talking about the connection between his intense grief and recent losses, past childhood trauma and PTSD, and how it connects with addictive behaviors such as drinking, smoking and, now apparently, Sexting. He said he never even thought about how much this could possibly hurt me, and he feels horrible about He said he never even thought about how much this could possibly hurt me, and he feels horrible about the whole thing.

I have expressed to him how this is bringing up my past trauma and codependent tendencies. He has allowed me to put a parental control on his phone, but that’s not going to change how his mind defaults.

It’s a very hard situation, I want to honor his process and privacy, but be true to myself.

At least we are not Fighting.

[bpcyclist]

Yes. Small towns can be tricky. I completely understand. But I am glad you have scheduled the couples' appointment. Hopefully, that gets you guys on the right track. I am no therapist, but it is encouraging to me that he seems to be open to not continuing with this behavior. Sending you positive vibes and prayers.

[I love my husband]

That does feel encouraging that he doesn’t want to continue the behavior.
I’m worried that he doesn’t see it as unhealthy or addictive and says that he just wants to move on and that he won’t do it again. Seeing 50+ simultaneous chats that he was engaging in, all happening over the course of a couple of hours, when he’s supposed to be working, was super disconcerting.

[sarahsweets]

What will the consequences be if he engages in this behavior again? You have to set your boundaries and explain your expectations and let him know what will happen.

[I love my husband]

You have a really good point.

I think I’ll wait until Monday for the couples counseling session and make that be something we work on together.

It’s hard. I agree there needs to be consequences, but I don’t want it to sound like an ultimatum.

I guess I’m still trying to figure out if he’s truly a “sex addict.”