Daily Check In #4

Congratulations! That's fantastic Sapien, I hope you did something nice to celebrate.

Can't stop taking things

I relapsed. Reached my year and said fk it.

No one can take the excellent year away from you. You can start another long streak!

Sapien, been there, done that, got the hangover. But you've proven to yourself that you can stay sober / clean for an extended period. Hop right back on the wagon, and start your next year.
splitimage

Lately I've been always craving something. I'm not sure what I'm craving though - And I never really get cravings.

I think it's cigarettes.

My mind feels itchy

Okay, once again I'm done. For real this time.

I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol. But I self medicate with it because I have nothing else. I'm addicted slightly to weed.

They all increase dopamine somewhat, which is annoying to me. I don't feel well.

I can't believe;

1. How I can be like this almost daily
2. How ****ed up I was every day for a few years
3. How I'm still alive - From what most people would consider as a miracle.
3. How lonely I was and still am

But things have gotten better in general. I'm not doing NOTHING ABOUT IT anymore. I'm sick of waiting and living like how I was. I want actual meaning and connection. I'm just plagued by regret and so hard on myself, to improve. I can never take a break or relax. I feel disconnected from the rest of the world and humanity.

I replay the abuse in my head constantly, 24/7. I cope badly but still manage to be functional - It's better. I don't get how it is like this - That things are better yet I still feel such pain.

I haven't felt a sign of hope in 3-4 years (Idk - My memory is so bad). I said a long time ago, "If I can FEEL a sign that I should continue living, I will do it" - I'm not sure how long that will take. I'm just waiting. Maybe it will never come idk. All I'm holding onto are somewhat good memories (That are being crowded, over and over again - by bad ones).

It's scary to everyone around me - How suicidal I can be. I take something, ANYTHING.. And I feel better again... I forget about the depression that I avoid, for a day or more. I dwell in these terrible feelings and actually start to like thinking about death.

I don't want to be the negative person. People have said good things about me - But that was who I used to be. I feel like I'm turning into a negative person and I can't escape it. I think that the only thing to do is avoid being negative and just pretend to be happy even TO MYSELF. I lie to myself, say I'm feeling good, better, happy. The flame of who I am was is 99% extinguished.

Yesterday was a bad day. Today I am happy =]

I quit weed and alcohol 5 days ago. I plan to go without them for a year because I've decided that these drugs just make me worse and serve no purpose to me.

Back to weed smoked once a day and a 1.5 shot of rum after work. I'm using small amounts of phenibut to lift mood to a normal level.

I failed to stay on the gabapentin and Zoloft to lift mood and replace phenibut.

I only have mild substance abuse disorder now (Not severe x10 SAD). I give credit to the psychedelics for that. And yes, psychedelics can be psychologically addictive - So best to keep trying to be sober through DIY spirituality.

I want a drug that makes me more sober?

I suppose that's what medications are.. Right? lol..

How is everyone doing?

"People with addictions have so much potential. Literally when they get sober they start achieving some amazing ****"

I watched this and I cried while reading the comments..

"My heart broke when his mother told him he looks tired and needed sleep. Brett tried to say that he was overwhelmed and stressed and his mother's response was "Shut up, Brett". Poor kid is trying to express his feelings... "

"When his mom told him to shut up, my heart broke. The look on his face was both confusion and heart break. Poor kid, I really hope he turns his life around and betters himself. He deserves it."

He reminds me of how I used to be - And my mom still loved me unconditionally, supported me and never got mad. She's a really good mother and I don't know what I'd do without her.

I'm still crying.. I try not to.

But she really did **** up in some other ways

I love unconditionally as well... so. Because my mom has PTSD, no one's perfect but she is my mom..

I don't know how I can get through this. I called the crisis line twice today and they even sent someone out to talk to me but it didn't help I still want to use.