Daily Check In #4

officially a relapse

Fighting my anxiety

I've been feeling down emotionally, so I decided to go back on Antabuse, to take away the risk of my just saying F* it, and going to drink. I feel better after deciding to restart it, as it takes away any debate.

Everything is fine. But I miss the "50mg codeine tablets" that my dad brought back from Mexico. I took 3-4 of them (Last month).

I was going to take Tramadol - But searched the side effects - QT prolongation, seizures, serotonin syndrome? No thanks.. Why was my mom prescribed Tramadol? (It wasn't her regular doctor that prescribed it, he didn't know about her heart conditions) - And she rarely takes it. I should say something.

I want to take 2mg of Dilaudid - To get the feeling of the 50mg codeines. The codeine tablets took away all of my anxiety, and I could say anything to anyone.

I also can't see a therapist (When I really need to) but I think I made her ghost me cuz I talked about weird trauma in the psych ward.

The world is run by psychopaths - It won't get better. It's just craziness. I'm floating through space, don't really forgive my mom cuz she acts like a narcissist to me every day (Like she hates me, knows better than me or something). Idk why people want to live in this world. So many people are opioid addicts, homeless, causing terror, dying. It should be a reason for me to not end up like that - But yknow the only thing not stopping me?

I tried powerful opioids before, and didn't get addicted. I had no love. Why should anyone care? I'm not even real. This whole existence isn't real. It's a dream, eternal hell (From what it seems like now). I can't concentrate much without being high, and can't at all when I'm not - I'm too damaged/or brain chemistry not compatible with life. I have to take antipsychotics right? "For the rest of (My) life" cuz of a stupid label diagnosis.

I want to focus on my interests, live a good life - But there's so much suffering. I don't understand what's happening. I'm want to take Dilaudid -

And yknow what the best part is? It's a joke. I shouldn't even be writing this, and instead think of my drug use as a positive thing. But people are so stupid. They aren't me. They don't know what it's like - Nothing is the same.. Except some spiritual/religious node/love that brings everyone together.. And that's what I'm going by - Everyone else is delusional.

I would delete this (To un jinx or non-cancel it out) - But I'm not even going to look at it for a while, after I post, and cuz this is the only actual progress that I wrote in a while - To try and fix things.

A friend got off of heroin recently, and other friends are getting sober - But it's got into my head (About that manic friend) that is like a genius, and talks about drug regulations, stuff about society... And I'm so confused. I need to make progress - And all I'm given is judgement and lack of love.

I'll be fine. Call me stupid, I'm actually doing fine. And I'll have a bit of fun, while this whole world burns - Cuz Idk how to help people IRL. I can't even socialize. I've helped people in my own way, given inspiration - But it's an eternal circle, "What's the point?" I say.. Until there is a point (But that's a delusion, of the illusion of life/reality). You can overcome the waves of existence/consciousness, yeah.. But everyone's going to do the same thing, learn the same lessons over and over again.

I am a person that is always misunderstood. I sat in the basement, stoned out of my mind - While all my mom cared about was herself.

I know there's good paths to life.. And I'll probably find it in the afterlife - Or now, if I try.. but it seems that I lack free will, from being overwhelmed and mistreated (By everyone). I'm on my own. I'll find my own way. There's no future. No hope. If someone can show me a reason to take this life seriously, let me know. It's probably some religious, philosophical thing, or to relax - But yknow how everyone has their own beliefs, ideologies etc? Everyone's always fighting, arguing.. If no one had any problems, life would be really boring anyways. That's the point.

Do I want help? What does that even mean?

Wanting to have some fun (To balance out the energies of torture from being God, with so many hallucinations/people - That are also me) has now been cancelled out by the judgement - So now I'm like "Fine. I don't even care anymore".

- And then desperation comes along, and tells me to just want to escape from the pain as quickly as possible - Even if it's short term, and causes problems later. It's impulsivity, from how torturous life is. No wonder everyone is dysfunctional as all hell.

And some people want to save everyone - Life is meaningless, and people give it meaning. I just want to escape, forever. I want to be off of this Earth. Too afraid to die though - But if I die, that would be the greatest blessing - Although the same stuff will just happen again after that. Eternal nothingness is NOW, for everyone.

I deserve what I get. I'm taking things seriously by writing all of this, and I don't even want to. So from now on, I won't.

Great job on being proactive

@Desoxyn "Don't take life too seriously; nobody makes it out alive."

That being quoted, you still should do things in your best interest. Don't let an ephemeral euphoria with consequences replace a more consistent contentment.

I’m sorry that you are struggling. I never heard any side effect from Tramadole that I had taken for pain.

Sorry guys.. I smoked a very low dose of weed yesterday, and it made me feel dysphoric/apathetic and negative. All is okay today

I don't think I'll take any drug today. My meds increase good neurotransmitters anyways.

It’s never good to smoke especially weed.

I did the stupid thing where you say "when I'm out, I'll stop," and then you run out and get more.

it takes some time to break an addiction.

I should modify this and say, "with consequences not worth it" because somethings can make you feel euphoric temporarily that have some sort of impact that are worth whatever risk you may be taking (or maybe the consequences are good). But that's up to you to decide.

There's a new song out by Billy Strings and Willie Nelson called "California Sober." I could relate to much of the song....Though smoking while staying off the booze never worked for me. I have to leave it alone:

I don't want the drugs...

No wait.. I can't say that - I have to be logical..

I just want to not feel sad or damaged.

Or feel fear.

[QUOTE=Desoxyn;7343980]I don't want the drugs...

No wait.. I can't say that - I have to be logical..

I just want to not feel sad or damaged.

Or feel fear.[/QUOTE

] that is understandable

Doing good with never using again ever. I was having a nervous day until I changed my perspective. Now I'm cool man.

Bright Blessings to All

Awesome

Doing good =]

I'm not addicted to a any specific drug.. But I do alternate (To take one small thing, every day - When I get a craving).

At least I never take high doses of anything anymore (Getting completely ****ed up, ending up in the ER etc).

I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's important to me - To just be functional, and focus on life/self-improvement, living in the moment (As best as I can), and feeling as sober as I can. That's just cuz of "mental pain" (Which isn't as severe/torturous anymore).

I know everyone is different, and being sober is 100% the best thing - But I owe you guys an honest update. I plan to be fully sober.

awesome

Weird sleeping hours make things interesting as I plan the day. 323 days sober makes planning a breeze compared to being all jacked-up stupid day in, day out.

I have realized :sadhug that my physical appearance humiliates my family :hug so I am left out :sadhug family plans

Well my drunkenness led me to the ED about two weeks ago. Got out yesterday. Gonna dump that ****