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  #426  
Old Mar 31, 2022, 07:59 AM
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Sapien, been there, done that, got the hangover. But you've proven to yourself that you can stay sober / clean for an extended period. Hop right back on the wagon, and start your next year.
splitimage
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

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  #427  
Old Apr 01, 2022, 09:00 PM
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Lately I've been always craving something. I'm not sure what I'm craving though - And I never really get cravings.

I think it's cigarettes.
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  #428  
Old Apr 04, 2022, 07:37 PM
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My mind feels itchy
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  #429  
Old Apr 05, 2022, 01:50 PM
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Okay, once again I'm done. For real this time.
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"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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  #430  
Old Apr 10, 2022, 08:07 PM
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I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol. But I self medicate with it because I have nothing else. I'm addicted slightly to weed.

They all increase dopamine somewhat, which is annoying to me. I don't feel well.

I can't believe;

1. How I can be like this almost daily
2. How ****ed up I was every day for a few years
3. How I'm still alive - From what most people would consider as a miracle.
3. How lonely I was and still am

But things have gotten better in general. I'm not doing NOTHING ABOUT IT anymore. I'm sick of waiting and living like how I was. I want actual meaning and connection. I'm just plagued by regret and so hard on myself, to improve. I can never take a break or relax. I feel disconnected from the rest of the world and humanity.

I replay the abuse in my head constantly, 24/7. I cope badly but still manage to be functional - It's better. I don't get how it is like this - That things are better yet I still feel such pain.

I haven't felt a sign of hope in 3-4 years (Idk - My memory is so bad). I said a long time ago, "If I can FEEL a sign that I should continue living, I will do it" - I'm not sure how long that will take. I'm just waiting. Maybe it will never come idk. All I'm holding onto are somewhat good memories (That are being crowded, over and over again - by bad ones).

It's scary to everyone around me - How suicidal I can be. I take something, ANYTHING.. And I feel better again... I forget about the depression that I avoid, for a day or more. I dwell in these terrible feelings and actually start to like thinking about death.

I don't want to be the negative person. People have said good things about me - But that was who I used to be. I feel like I'm turning into a negative person and I can't escape it. I think that the only thing to do is avoid being negative and just pretend to be happy even TO MYSELF. I lie to myself, say I'm feeling good, better, happy. The flame of who I am was is 99% extinguished.
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  #431  
Old Apr 11, 2022, 06:38 PM
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Yesterday was a bad day. Today I am happy =]
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  #432  
Old Apr 28, 2022, 02:51 PM
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I quit weed and alcohol 5 days ago. I plan to go without them for a year because I've decided that these drugs just make me worse and serve no purpose to me.
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  #433  
Old May 18, 2022, 03:53 PM
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Back to weed smoked once a day and a 1.5 shot of rum after work. I'm using small amounts of phenibut to lift mood to a normal level.

I failed to stay on the gabapentin and Zoloft to lift mood and replace phenibut.

I only have mild substance abuse disorder now (Not severe x10 SAD). I give credit to the psychedelics for that. And yes, psychedelics can be psychologically addictive - So best to keep trying to be sober through DIY spirituality.
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  #434  
Old May 21, 2022, 01:57 PM
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I want a drug that makes me more sober?
  #435  
Old May 21, 2022, 01:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desoxyn View Post
I want a drug that makes me more sober?
I suppose that's what medications are.. Right? lol..
  #436  
Old May 31, 2022, 12:21 AM
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How is everyone doing?
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  #437  
Old Jun 01, 2022, 04:37 PM
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"People with addictions have so much potential. Literally when they get sober they start achieving some amazing ****"
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  #438  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 09:41 PM
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I watched this and I cried while reading the comments..

"My heart broke when his mother told him he looks tired and needed sleep. Brett tried to say that he was overwhelmed and stressed and his mother's response was "Shut up, Brett". Poor kid is trying to express his feelings... "

"When his mom told him to shut up, my heart broke. The look on his face was both confusion and heart break. Poor kid, I really hope he turns his life around and betters himself. He deserves it."

He reminds me of how I used to be - And my mom still loved me unconditionally, supported me and never got mad. She's a really good mother and I don't know what I'd do without her.

I'm still crying.. I try not to.
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  #439  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 09:59 PM
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But she really did **** up in some other ways

I love unconditionally as well... so. Because my mom has PTSD, no one's perfect but she is my mom..
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  #440  
Old Jul 13, 2022, 02:23 PM
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I don't know how I can get through this. I called the crisis line twice today and they even sent someone out to talk to me but it didn't help I still want to use.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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  #441  
Old Aug 16, 2022, 06:35 AM
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Can't get the bipolar under control until I'm clean. Staying clean is damn near impossible when the bipolar's out of control. A vicious cycle.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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  #442  
Old Aug 16, 2022, 09:23 AM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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I found the same thing with my depression. Once I got stabilized on the right meds combo, staying sober became much easier.
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

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  #443  
Old Aug 17, 2022, 12:15 PM
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WastingAsparagus WastingAsparagus is offline
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Doing fine with my addiction. Acted out a few days ago, but I am going to 12-step meetings now. Going to another one on Friday.
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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

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  #444  
Old Aug 17, 2022, 12:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by splitimage View Post
I found the same thing with my depression. Once I got stabilized on the right meds combo, staying sober became much easier.
But I can't stabilize if I'm having manic blackouts and using god knows what regardless of what meds I'm on. If, and that's a big if, my current med works it's going to be at least 2 months before I stabilize. I could die in that time frame.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
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  #445  
Old Aug 18, 2022, 11:34 AM
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WastingAsparagus WastingAsparagus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
But I can't stabilize if I'm having manic blackouts and using god knows what regardless of what meds I'm on. If, and that's a big if, my current med works it's going to be at least 2 months before I stabilize. I could die in that time frame.
Could you go inpatient or do an intensive outpatient program? So that you stabilize? They have substance abuse/mental health dual programs. I wonder if you might benefit from that. Depending on your insurance if you have it. / it could also be expensive.
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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

  #446  
Old Aug 19, 2022, 08:05 PM
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WastingAsparagus WastingAsparagus is offline
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Nearly had a slip today. Just caught it though.
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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

  #447  
Old Aug 24, 2022, 10:58 AM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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Good for you for catching it, and not slipping.
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Daily Check In #4
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  #448  
Old Aug 26, 2022, 06:34 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus View Post
Could you go inpatient or do an intensive outpatient program? So that you stabilize? They have substance abuse/mental health dual programs. I wonder if you might benefit from that. Depending on your insurance if you have it. / it could also be expensive.
We don't have any nearby IOPs so finding transportation would be a pain. I went to the ER recently but they turned me away from IP because I wasn't homicidal. I'm no longer manic so have a slightly lower impulsivity level and shouldn't be wrecking myself as much from here on out. I don't want to repeat my recent experiences soon. Really paying for it now.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
WastingAsparagus
Thanks for this!
WastingAsparagus
  #449  
Old Aug 30, 2022, 06:50 AM
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WastingAsparagus WastingAsparagus is offline
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I am starting a program next week for my addiction.
__________________
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

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  #450  
Old Aug 30, 2022, 08:38 AM
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splitimage splitimage is offline
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That's great WastingAsparagus. I found treatment to be really helpful. I hope you have a good experience.
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Daily Check In #4
Thanks for this!
WastingAsparagus
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