No crutch for all this pain

Why am I even here? I feel so alone all the time and my mom says I always have a bad face which makes people keep away from me. But I can’t help it I feel so much pain on a daily basis… last night I drank a cup of wine without her knowing and my anxiety eased up so I was very happy and talkative with family. Today she asked me why can I always be like that? That broke my heart and then I told her it was because I drank a cup of wine. She apologized and then twisted it and said I didn’t want to criticize you so I didn’t say that I thought you were being a little too much. I feel so broken.. I stopped smoking 8 months ago and that has helped me feel better but now I don’t have a crutch to numb all this pain I feel. I can’t help that it shows in my face how much pain I’m in on a daily basis and I’m so alone.. I feel so empty and sad all the time. I’m just trying my best. I do good in school and that’s the only thing bringing me peace but I’m still not enough. Somethings wrong with me idk why I’m even here anymore…

I know its so hard- people want you to be fake when you don't feel well, that's their problem. Your emotions are yours, and you shouldn't hide them. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. PTSD also causes chemical changes. It's like saying to someone with a broken leg, get up, just walk it off you're fine!
Check out this song by Michael Kiwanuka, called "Love & Hate" (on YT, I'm new so I can't post links yet!)
take care, Forestwalker