sobering up TW

I don't have an addiction to alcohol but I have noticed that it often leads to rage attacks (private, alone in my apt, but still destructive and probably loud). I have probably been using it (and weed pen) more because the school year is over for summer break. I think my rage attack today was a wake up call that I need to do another stretch of time where I'm just completely sober. But it's very hard because I get super irritable and emotionally wonky when I stop after a spell of heavy use. And I'm probably using these substances for reasons I still don't really understand despite four years of therapy. I think there is definitely on the surface just a mundane desire to be affected in some way, but I tend to just really overuse it, earlier and earlier in the day too. All my siblings have somehow inexplicably managed to dodge this issue themselves, and they say the funniest things like have some tea or take a hot shower instead. Maybe the best drug is the cold unavoidable grip of reality? if only it actually was unavoidable. In fact, when I take a drink or a smoke, my first sensation is coming back to reality.