[iamtwilight]

Ugh, I feel so bad that all of my posts end up getting the trigger icon... but yeah, this is definitely triggering.

Anyways, a lot of you might not know me, as I mostly post in the Dissociative or Schizophrenia forums, but pop into these others as well, so I thought an introduction could be nice. I'm Katie, a 19 year old, a multiple with six other people of various ages and one dog inside and VERY confused.

This is a long story, you don't have to read it if you're not in the mood, all I wanted to say is that I thought I was sober, but apparently, I'm struggling again. So I'm here, and hoping to find a way to deal with this.

Here's my history: I started using alcohol in summer 2006, when I turned 18. I also very soon started mixing prescription drugs (my friend's) with it. This continued for a long time. I was being crazy with a girl who was my best friend at the time, and I kinda did things because she did. And it seemed okay. I could quit any time I wanted.

My psychologist, whom I was seeing back then, told me I had an alcohol problem. I thought, what the heck, I just do it for fun. Now that I look back, she was right: I was pretty depressed, I was lonely, wanted love but all I got was being treated bad by guys who saw me as a one night stand. Whatever I got kicks from (seriously, it was anything I could get my hands on, alcohol, drugs, whatever) kept me alive, offered temporary relief. I lived for weekends, when school would end and me and my friend would hit the bars again.

I moved in with my friend, drank pretty much all the time, did all kinds of crazy stuff, and started to see that my friend was developing a serious drug problem. In July 2007 I realised she was too dependant of me, could not be without me, and I had grown to hate her to the core. I was too ashamed to move back to my parents' house, so on August 1st, 2007, I tried to commit suicide. It was a spur of the moment, but I truly wanted to end my life. My mom found me (I was at my parents' house for a few nights) in the middle of night since I had passed out and left my light on, and she called an ambulance and I was sent to hospital.

That was the last time I drank alcohol (pills & alcohol). After I got out of the psych ward (spent 12 days there, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder), I decided I would not ever again smoke, or drink alcohol.

I am not against occasional recreational drug use, it's okay as long as you don't have a problem and especially if you do it socially. I understand a lot of you don't think that way, but I do. Nowadays I rarely have drugs available and make sure I don't do it just to get my mind numb, and also do it with friends. So for me it isn't a problem.

Anyways, I was sober (of alcohol and tobacco) for 7 months, was not intoxicated once during this period of time, only used tranquilizers for sleep and smoked pot once, very little, nothing happened, I was in total control of myself in all aspects..

Since December 2007 I've started suspecting whether I am a multiple or not. Alters have been coming out every now and then, it started making trouble in September 2007 when I had a lot of blackouts. And now, things are getting worse. I have them ALL the time, argue with my alters, everybody wants to have their time and not just sit around inside my head.

So for the first time in 7 months.. On March 31st, 2008, I felt so depressed and anxious that I needed relief. I live near a grocery store so I went in and bought three cans of cider, the best I could get. I was too depressed to walk a mile to go to the liquor store to get the "real" deal, and besides, 7 months of sobriety, I thought I would get drunk easily.

Yeah, it relaxed me, was somewhat relieved for a while.. So I did the same on April 1st. I haven't been to school in three days, and skipped three classes on Monday, but I will go tomorrow since I have to be present in a group assignment.

I don't know if this will be the only time I relapse, I hope it will be, but right now, things are very unclear and I don't know what I will do when I'm alone. I've got half of my system mad at me, since they (alters) are against alcohol and all kinds of intoxicants, and I knew it, but did it anyway. I am indeed disappointed in myself.. I never thought I would do it again. I'm afraid I will end up just like my father, who has had an alcohol problem for 15 years, and I've always hated him for that, he has caused so much pain for our family..

I don't want to cause any pain for the ones I love. Or anybody else. I live with a roommate, and I don't want her to be afraid of me when I'm drunk, I don't even want her, or anybody else, to see me drunk. This is also dangerous to me since my alters might end up hurting the body if I'm not taking their warnings seriously or listening to them close enough.

So, this was my story, like I said, it was long, but thanks for listening if you've made it this far.

This is day 2 of sobriety, beginning number 2. Hope this one will be better than the last.

[edit: decided to leave a few details out]

Katie, can you put an emergency call into your therapist or psychiatrist? Maybe the one who dx'ed you with DID would be best to help sort out the turmoil inside.

Does your T (or p-doc) have you (and yours) journaling? Maybe T can offer some grounding techniques to settle everyone down.

I think you're doing great by posting all of this, I know how scary it can be to share these issues.

Take care and keep posting,

Orange_Blossom

[DePressMe]

Hi Katie, I just read your post. Yeah, it sounds like it would be good for you to stay away from the booze.

It was important for me to develop a support network to help me stay sober. Are there people in your life who know about your struggles and could support you? It really helps me to talk about things.

I will keep you in my thoughts....

[splitimage]

Hi Katie,

I read your post, and I'm sorry that you're struggling. Sounds like staying off the booze is a good plan and I wish you luck with it. Living substance free is hard but it is possible. Like depressme said, it helps to have some IRL support. Do you have friends you can call if you feel like drinking?

Take care.

--splitimage

[iamtwilight]

Thank you all for your replies. It's greatly appreciated.

Yeah, I do have a few friends I can call when things get rough. The only problem is that I don't always dare to call them, thinking I'm just bothering them. But yesterday my boyfriend told me to contact him whenever I feel bad, so I guess I better start taking advantage of that... in a good way.

I'm not sure if I can call my T or pdoc out of their office hours, but I will ask on Wednesday on my next appointment. I don't yet have an official DID diagnosis but we are working on it. We're going through all the other options to make sure there isn't an organic cause to this mess.

Again, thanks for reading. I will keep posting.