[StarPonysMama]

The ex - or not so ex - vowed to quit drinking. No help. No AA meetings. Sobriety date of 01/26. Fell off the wagon last night and pulled the same "not calling" thing because HE KNOWS I can tell when he's drinking.

This morning it's the I'm sorry's and the I love you's. No doubt in my mind the man loves me but also no doubt that he has a drinking problem worse than the one I have to grapple with myself.

My sobriety date 01/26/08 and still going strong. Am I wrong for trying to do it together?

I've spent 8 out of the past 12 hours crying. I am so hurt and so confused as to what to do. Do I give up completely? Does AA have meetings for us who are recovering but love an alcoholic? I guess I'm just looking for direction here. I find it crazy that I love this man so much but - when it's good it's good and sadly, when it's bad it's awful.

I am having a hard time letting go......and some may say it's my fault for trying to stick it out. Well, then shame on me. I know I can't go through this break alone but I also know he needs help and I cant FORCE him to get it.

I'm just so incredibly sad. My last conversation with him was that he needed to get a game plan and it had better be a good one. I told him I cannot be strong enough for both of us. Should I just really toss my hands up and walk away? I suppose I know my own answer but it just helps to get it out. And then I have read in AA where a lapse may help them learn - so how do I handle that? I'm calling an AA center today to see if there is someone I can talk to.

On the flip side........I'm still chugging right along. Alcohol just doesn't do it for me. I have become addicted to ice cream! LOL.

[Raynaadi]

((((( Star )))))))

Good for you for still being sober!!!!!

Yes, we often say in AA that sometimes, sometimes a relapse helps the alcoholic. Not all the time though. But there have been some who say they needed it when it happened, they needed to hit a bottom. Some of us enough of a bottom that we don't need to drink again, and others relapse and find that it was beneficial. Still others though, and it seems more often that not, become chronic relapsers, and never become honest with themself and others, and never get sober.

AA's sister program, Alanon, is for loved ones of alcoholics. Many recovering alcoholics go to Alanon too. It was actually started by Bill's wife, Louis. Bill was one of AA's founders. So in Alanon they talk about being codependant with alcoholics, either still using or recovering. They work the 12 steps there too. Many alanons go to meetings and discover they too are alcoholic. I myself need to start going to Alanon, since I'm in a relationship with another recovering alcoholic.

All I can say as far as helping him, is NOT to enable him....we tend to stay alcoholic when we have others enabling our disease. He might need to loose some more before he'll realize alcohol is ruining his life. Be his friend, be supportive, but don't support his drinking, and don't talk to him when he's drunk. It doesn't help him and it certainly doesn't help you to be the one he drunk dials.

Above all, hang on to your own sobriety for dear life, and either he'll come around and see reason, or he won't. Either way, you can stay sober and your life will keep getting better, with or without him.

Keep hangin sistah and gotta love that ice cream!!!!!

Rayna

[splitimage]

Well done on staying sober.

I agree with Rayna, there isn't much you can do to support his recovery except to not enable him. I also like her suggestion of going to Alanon meetings as well. I know a lot of people find Alanon really helpful in learning how to deal with the alcoholic in their life.

Take care of yourself, and keep eating that ice cream.

-splitimage

[StarPonysMama]

((((((((((RAYNA)))))))))))))))
((((((((((((SPLIT)))))))))))))))

Thanks guys.

Well, I attended my first AA meeting tonight. Not long after I posted this he called and said, "I'm going to go to AA tonight, would you like to go?". I was kind of hesitant but then thought WHAT THE HEY! It certainly can't hurt and I MAY EVEN ENJOY IT.

So we went and at first on the way there he had cold feet and started talking about a private counselor. I stuck the foot on the gas and pulled up at the meeting place.

It was kind of akward at first but I spoke and met a few people and really, really enjoyed myself. I could SO IDENTIFY with some of the people. This was just an open discussion and I forgot to get a schedule but, I'll be back next WED for SURE so, NO WORRIES.

When they came around with the collection plate DANG we both did not have any cash (the days of debit & credit cards) and he said, "We'll be sure to have some next Wed." On the way out he said he liked it and thought it would be good and wanted to come back. So back next Wed we go.

A small step but, nonetheless one in the right direction. The way I look at it now - if I have to leave him be because he relapses - I win because I will have the support group, and if not and he succeeds, then I win too.

Thanks guys for your support. And, I'm looking into Al-anon. My great grandmother used to go my mom told me. Her husband was an alcoholic. But, from what I am seeing the times of meetings is very limited here.

Do they have a book I could read? Kinda like the AA Big Book or something - or does it go off of the same book?

[Raynaadi]

I think they use the same book but I'm not entirely sure. The meetings times are odd here too, which is strange because we have over 400 meetings a week for AA. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!!! I'd recommend that you both get sponsors, you a woman and he a guy, someone who's sober for some time and has worked the steps and has a sponsor. Sponsors are invaluable support. I just met with mine this passed Sunday, to do a yearly inventory since I'm coming up on an anniversary. She remembers all the things I've gone through in sobriety and how much I've changed.

There's a section in the bigbook "To the Wives" that is really great to read. Its directed towards those who love an alcoholic.

Congrats on your recovery!! I love to hear your excitiment about it. You remind me so much of me when I was newly sober. Keep up the good work!!!

[splitimage]

Really glad that you went to a meeting and that you liked it. I agree with Rayna about getting a sponsor, it's really helpful. If you're going to do AA, I can also recommend another book & workbook.. It's called a woman's guide to working the 12 steps. I forget the author, but I ordered it from hazeldon.org. I;m finding it really helpful. It sticks to the 12 step principles but has kind of a female slant to it, and suggests self soothing exercises that you can do while you're working through the steps. I've found the workbook to be especially helpful.

Take care.

--splitimage

[StarPonysMama]

Thanks to you both for the tip.

There is a new members meeting for Al-Anon Friday night ..... it's a long way from home but close to work .... think I may just go to the mall for awhile then shoot over there and check it out.

I noticed when I went to the AA meeting that there are many more meetings and classes than posted on the web schedule so I'm hoping that holds true for Al-Anon too.

I have to say, I think AA does help. I went to a huge Drag Racing event this weekend and the temptation to drink was just OUT OF THIS WORLD. Just when I was thinking I wanted to go down and get that Pina Colada at the hotel lounge, I thought about how I would be letting down my group at AA. And no way Jose - altered for Root Beer and GOOD SLEEP instead.

One thing I did want to mention that I thought should be a coined term for alcoholics. A person in our meeting (and I wont go into the context of the conversation because it is private) said something that really touched me. He said, When I decided to "Show up for Life". How true is that?

When we drink, it's like we go through the motions with no clear thinking and forget to "Show up for Life".....I thought it to be so true. So when I think of having that drink I think NO - tomorrow I want to be able to show up for LIFE.