[unedited]

Hi, I just heard of this site yesterday. So, to make long into short, I've been struggling with addiction most of my adult life. (or atleast as long as I can remember - the last 20 years.) It started when I was 19, with heroin, clean most of 20's then alcohol at 31, (I now have cirrhsis, pancreatitis, hepatitis). Back to oxy's and heoin at 36. Now I've been on methadone since December, I love the feeling of not using (street drugs) but the mental part of this all really screws with my head. I know I'm not clean, but I feel as though I am because methadone is legit. Does anyone else struggle with this? I must admit that I have absolutely NO cravings/urges to get high since I started. How long do most people stay on this, and does anyone have any idea how it is affecting my liver? Thank you.
Mich

[madisgram]

unedited, welcome to pc and this forum. sorry can't help you much about your questions but so glad you are off street drugs. we pay such a high price for our addicitions as your health indicates. i wish you well. i''m sure you will get some helpful responses from some others.
so glad you found us. we're a supportive group and look forward to seeing you around here.

[Michah]

Hi there, Welcome!! My sons father was a heroin addict and when we met, he was off and on methadone. I would treat it as you would any other medication......I know you think of it as not being clean but I am sure you know intellectually, that it is not the same as using. From my experience, half of the addiction is the needle. May not be true for you. I battled alongside him with this demon for many years, even after we broke up. He was in and out of jail and terible to me and my son. we didn't see him for years. He also developed major health issues from unclean needles and the like.

It heartens me so much to hear of people like you fighting this and taking action. Even if you struggle with the concept of methadone, stay on it as part of your therapy. You are a very brave and honourable person.

Sorry if this upsets you, but I feel very strongly about people getting the right help with this addiction. My sons father died on Xmas day 2008 from suspected suicide from drug overdose. His girlfriend is distraught. we thought he was doing okay. Don't know if it was heroin but it seems that he had is hand in whatever he could get. he just did not want to get better at the end of the day. Now you understand why I want to give you the best of luck in recovery and health and hope that you are getting all the help you need.

My thoughts are with you.......

[jilly143]

Originally Posted by unedited

Hi, I just heard of this site yesterday. So, to make long into short, I've been struggling with addiction most of my adult life. (or atleast as long as I can remember - the last 20 years.) It started when I was 19, with heroin, clean most of 20's then alcohol at 31, (I now have cirrhsis, pancreatitis, hepatitis). Back to oxy's and heoin at 36. Now I've been on methadone since December, I love the feeling of not using (street drugs) but the mental part of this all really screws with my head. I know I'm not clean, but I feel as though I am because methadone is legit. Does anyone else struggle with this? I must admit that I have absolutely NO cravings/urges to get high since I started. How long do most people stay on this, and does anyone have any idea how it is affecting my liver? Thank you.
Mich

Wow, you sound like my double, I just found this part of the health site this morning, I am 30, I started using drugs in high school just messing around with weed, never really liked so I went to coke, then acid which I swear is what really messed me up, I went from a shy kid, to well to say the least I was in trouble all the time, The sad thing is I got honor role in school for 2 years one of those years I was on ACID most of the time! The reason I said you sound like me is because I am now on the methadone clinic for the 3rd time! I started oxys when I got hurt barttending at like 20. but I really just wanted the high everyone says its cuz they where hurt. So That is when I found out my mom was dying from cerocis from drinking, well actually at that time she could have lived she had one part of her liver dead one part sick but could repair it self and the third part healthy. You can live with only one part of your liver funcioning, anyway I am an only child and I was a mess over her diagnosis. She had emphasema as well she would not stop drinking or smoking. So when I was 22 she died. By that time I had tried herion and was what I thought bad on oxys at the time..well things can always get worse. I was doing about an 80 a day, I was working and spending all my money on it. I overdosed from sniffing herion 2x and that was just the begining. So after she dies I met the man who has now been my husband for almost 7 years. I met him becasue he hung around with an oxy dealer. He never used hard drugs but he was around them to say the least. I told him he wanted nothing to do with me I was a mess, I said I am on drugs and I will do them until I die wether that is tommorrow or 10 years..He is 10 years older than me so he said he did dumb things when he was young and I would get better. So th try to shorten the story, we ended up together and he was afraid of what I would do for drugs, because I always dated dealers, So he bought them and would desperse them to me, BIG MISTAKE. With in 6 months he was 50 grand in debt with people knocking on our door not for a friendly chat! So he though he could switch a button and it would just end. Wel you know how that works..it doesnt. SO he put me in rehab, after about my 30th detox he relized this was not working, I went on the clinic for the 1st time, I felt good all was good then I got pregnant! I told him I never planned on kids he told me he could not have kids he has tried for 3 years with his ex, I met her and she confirmed this,,it turned out they both lied he paid her and she actually had her tubels tied! Well I did not want to terminate the pregnancy I was a mess I told him I could never be a good mother. I had my daughter and things where good, great for a while, o I came off the clinic when I found out I was preg and they fought me horribly. Told me I was going to kill my baby. My doctor who fell out of heavan or something she did studies on methadone drugs and pregnancy and I just happened to pick her with out knowing that! So I did good through my preg and I was sooo sick threw up ever day and night for 9 months, so the last 2 weeks of my preg I did to 80's in little pieces, I did not tell my husband until I was about to go in to get a c-section. I told my dr. becasue if she was going to need to be helped I had to tell her, it was not in out system and they monitored her but she was fine, I felt and still do feel like a **** bag! Anyway I stayed sober for a year and 1/2 on my own, then something really bad happened to me, If you write back and want to know I will get in to that..lets just say a state cop is in jail for rapping me..So I went on the clinic sober becasue the trial was so hard if i got high I would have messed up the whole thing and he would be free right now. I was clean on the clinic for another years so it was 2 years no street drugs but I was coming off down from 120mgs to 30 because I feel like you yeah I amnot on street drugs but I personally feel like it is government herion, I mean I think it is good to help you get clean but some people are lifers, and dont want to get off. to each there own, So at 30 mgs A councler said something I did not like and I got up and walked out, the next thing I know I got kicked off the clinic for threatining to assault the staff! I swear I did nothing! I begged the head of the place not to ruin my life she was my old councler, now she runs the place I told her I would have to go use becasue if you come of at 30 you will be soo sick there is nothing you can do. Not only did she kick me off, she called all detoxes and methadone clinics saying I could not go on because I was a risk! I never would threaten the staff or anyone for no reason. SO I relapsed all last summer, ruined my finally getting better credit, my husband by this point was ready to leave and my daughter was turning 5 she was starting to pick up on things, so after doing about a half finger of herion every 3 days and putting us in depbt again, I finally found a clinic to take me I have to drive a 1.2 hour there and 1/2 your back but it is worth it so now I am coming off I have been on since december 10th, I am down to 50 mgs I am afraid of getting sick, I will never live that life again, I am sorry I wrote so much, I just was happy to hear there was someone out there that sounded like they could relate. If this story did no bore you or scar you away, please wite me, I promise I will not write stories everytime lol Let me know yours if yo want to vent. Jillian

[jilly143]

Originally Posted by Michah

Hi there, Welcome!! My sons father was a heroin addict and when we met, he was off and on methadone. I would treat it as you would any other medication......I know you think of it as not being clean but I am sure you know intellectually, that it is not the same as using. From my experience, half of the addiction is the needle. May not be true for you. I battled alongside him with this demon for many years, even after we broke up. He was in and out of jail and terible to me and my son. we didn't see him for years. He also developed major health issues from unclean needles and the like.

It heartens me so much to hear of people like you fighting this and taking action. Even if you struggle with the concept of methadone, stay on it as part of your therapy. You are a very brave and honourable person.

Sorry if this upsets you, but I feel very strongly about people getting the right help with this addiction. My sons father died on Xmas day 2008 from suspected suicide from drug overdose. His girlfriend is distraught. we thought he was doing okay. Don't know if it was heroin but it seems that he had is hand in whatever he could get. he just did not want to get better at the end of the day. Now you understand why I want to give you the best of luck in recovery and health and hope that you are getting all the help you need.

My thoughts are with you.......

I am sorry to hear about your son's father, that druf takes over everything, You care about nothing, it is a scary feeling. I would know, I am on methadone, I am coming off, I think its a personal choice how long to stay on it, if you know you are going to go right back to street drugs, (which I know is always an option as an addict) But I think for me it is good to use it a stepping stone to get everything out of my system. I get a lot of **** from my dad, who did horion in vietnam and my husband who has never done hard drugs. They call methadone government herion, and think it is just as bad. I used to get so mad and always feel bad, but I relized I have to do this to me and they are never going to get it. Thats there problem. Hearing about over doses is scary, yet I overdosed twice, flatlined one time. You think I would have learned then, It took a while. I was clean a year and 1/2 on my own, and only went on the clinic due to some stuf I had to go through, its a long story but I wish I never did it because now I am trying to get off the clinic, I came off before, and it is horrible, it makes coming off herione like a day at the park. I hate to say that and discourage anyone, everyone is different, You have to come down slow. I hope I make it back to where I was when I get off.Thanks for sharing your story, Jillian