Self disclosure?

Christina86 · Jun 03, 2009, 01:26 AM

Hey all...

Weird question. But has anyone disclosed that they were an ACOA or that they attended the ACOA/ACA meetings to friends?

I don't know how we got on the conversation, but I told two of my friends about me being an ACOA and being in the program...

And now they want to JOIN. Because they feel that they have dysfunctional families too and might benefit from the program.

Problem: There are only TWO meetings of ACOA in my city. Neither of which is over-attended or busy... so I'm likely to "run into" them at a meeting if they do decide to go... and isn't that awkward? How am I supposed to deal with having close personal friends join the program because I told them about it... and dealing with all the anonymity and confidentiality stuff?

Beyond that... for me... I just finished the ACOA sourcebook. It made me cry... which is part of the reason why my two friends know about the program now. I read them part of it ... the "12 characteristics".

Off topic for this post... but is anyone else afraid that their characteristics/personality is directly caused by their childhood and upbringing and that when it gets "solved" and you deal with the fact you're the child of an alcoholic or dysfunctional family...

that there will be nothing left of YOU?

Probably not explaining myself well so here's my example: ACOAs overextend themselves and volunteer and just try to help others... I LOVE to volunteer. Does that mean that my volunteering is caused not because I'm a nice person and want to help - but because of some "need" to be appreciated and that once I go through the program, I wont want to volunteer anymore??

I REALLY DONT WANT THAT.

Cthomas · Jun 03, 2009, 07:39 AM

I know for a fact, that my upbringing is what has made me who i am. Heck at this point im still trying to figure out if im really me? I feel like ive lost who i am regardless. I spent my 20's thinking i was indestructable and had no issues. Only to find out that the more i shove them to the side, the more they surface. My trust issues, my insecurities. I feel like I get worse and worse.

And yes....im afraid that I will lose who i am when Ive resolved issues from my past.

Good post.........

Colleen

Caitlin86 · Jun 03, 2009, 11:58 AM

Disclosing the fact that my mam is an alcoholic is something that I've always struggled with. I think it stems from the fact that I spent my teenage yrs blocking everything out &we had no other choice but just to pretend like our family was just like everybody elses. It was only really when I went to uni at 18 I confided in a friend about my situation &all the hurt &pain exploded. Interestingly thats when I started taking drugs&drinkn heavier. But to this day I don't speak to my best friends from my hometown about my mams problem, I've never told them (though I'd imagaine they've an idea somethings not quite right) its my friends from uni &that I went travelling with that know. I suppose I still want to 'appear' normal in the eyes of some &also for the fact my Dads well known in my town &that would be great gossip if people really knew what went on in my 'perfect' world!

I agree my upbringin to an extent has def shaped me into the person I am today, the good &the bad, but I have also made some bad choices &cant blame anyone but myself for that.

Hunny · Jun 07, 2009, 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christina86

Weird question. But has anyone disclosed that they were an ACOA or that they attended the ACOA/ACA meetings to friends?

Yes, but not at first. It took a bit of time but eventually, yes, if I knew they were struggling with family members who were alcoholic.

And now they want to JOIN. Because they feel that they have dysfunctional families too and might benefit from the program.

Because it made sense to them and they need help too but not just because they have dysfunctional families I hope. The AA/Alanon groups are for those people affected by someone else's drinking and not just family dysfunction.

Problem: There are only TWO meetings of ACOA in my city. Neither of which is over-attended or busy... so I'm likely to "run into" them at a meeting if they do decide to go... and isn't that awkward? How am I supposed to deal with having close personal friends join the program because I told them about it... and dealing with all the anonymity and confidentiality stuff?

How, was explained to me that seemed to make sense, is that Anonymity, creates a level playing field. You don't tell and neither do they. So if you are in the same group it is okay because you are to maintain the anonymity of the other. Sometimes when I meet another Alanon person in the store or elsewhere, I may glance at them but we do not have to and it is understood. It is a sensitivity thing. You also may choose to start a group at your place of schooling with each other. This may be another solution.

Regarding confidentiality, you choose how much disclosing you want to do. As a matter of fact it is suggested that you really keep the more private things to share between you and your sponsor. For some time my choice of sponsor was my T as I was already doing a fair amount of disclosing . This is a little known fact but it is acceptable. Althought in Alanon we are encouraged to use a sponsor from the program

Off topic for this post... but is anyone else afraid that their characteristics/personality is directly caused by their childhood and upbringing and that when it gets "solved" and you deal with the fact you're the child of an alcoholic or dysfunctional family...

that there will be nothing left of YOU?

...or in my case and my dx, too much left of me lol

I think as individuals we all have enough personality that we won't become little robots. This programe will actually encourage you to be you. Alanon is very organic in some ways. There are ways to contribute to the newsletters, books and meetings. Kicking in your own experience and personality is what makes it so truly amazing.

Probably not explaining myself well so here's my example: ACOAs overextend themselves and volunteer and just try to help others... I LOVE to volunteer. Does that mean that my volunteering is caused not because I'm a nice person and want to help - but because of some "need" to be appreciated and that once I go through the program, I wont want to volunteer anymore??

Yah, I kind of am a bit lost here but I'll give it a try. The last thing that Alanon expects is for anyone to 'over-extend' themself/ves. As a matter of fact they encourage balance and say if you are 'over-extending' that this may not be the position or thing for you to do. Although Alanon encourages service work like stacking chairs, leading a meeting or being business reps they never or should never put that on each other. It is up the the individual to decide perhaps with the help of their sponsor, how much they will do.

I REALLY DONT WANT THAT.

That would be horrible and just not Alanon! Christina, if someone is putting this kind of pressure on you (besides yourself) you can tell them to back off and if they don't then try another meeting. For the first two years all I did was stack chairs at weekly meetings because I just couldn't do anything more. I thought I would never lead a meeting but I do now when it is okay and I remember thinking I never would

Hope this answers some of your questions. It does take some time to 'get it' but well worth the time and effort. I have met people in Alanon who are still trying to grasp many of the concepts, traditions and step. Give yourself the gift of time, to be sure.

Hunny

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