Memory Recollection

Hello. I was writing in a journal I keep, and I found my entry to be interesting and I was wondering if anyone had some input on it. It seems kind of strange. Anyway... here it is.

I was just watching Lie to Me. It's a show about human lie detectors basically... the main guy was going thru his memories about how his dad would go to the bar, get drunk, and beat his mom and sometimes him. I won't lie. My childhood was full of trauma. It was full of crazy and broken trust and fear. His renditon of his childhood got me thinking... I have this memory or what I think is a memory. I remember it was before school and my parents got into a huge fight. Really big. The cops were called. This wasn't terribly uncommon. I think my dad was taken away. I can't remember if that is true or not. What I am pretty sure happened for myself was that I was scared. It was Xmas time and I was behind the tree when the cops came. I remember thinking to myself that this was a ridiculous notion because really they are going to find me and they are going to make me come out which they did. They coaxed me out. And then, even through all the drama, they wanted my brother and I to go to school so they could deal with my parents I guess. I remember my mom brushing my hair.... or did I just make that fact up? I don't feel certain. I mean... I don't feel certain that any of that is true. How do I even know? It all feels like a hazy dream... but some part of me feels certain it was real. I have very vivid dreams sometimes and even some that I can recall from childhood.. well just one really. And the repition of one too. Did I make all that up? I mean I do return to this memory or w/e it is from time to time. It's stuck with me for a long time. And the thing about me being able to recall what's gone on in my past is that I never ever feel certain about the things I recall. And even when I recall these particular things, there are just so few that have stuck with me that I feel like I'm missing some rather large gaps. I have a memory of the cops being called during a sleepover I was having and my dad being taken away... but I'm not 100% sure there was a sleep over... the only things I'm certain of about my childhood are that my mom was a drunk (a bad one) and my dad definitely was taken away a few times. But in between these rather large and bad memories, I don't remember much else. Apparently there was one summer where my dad put me and my brother in his truck and drove us to WI without my mom because he just needed to get away from her for awhile... but guess what? All of that is from my grandma's mouth. I don't really remember that at all. What I do remember is that my mom followed us there.. even in her drukeness, she got to WI and I remember walking in my grandparent's front door and she was just sitting in that chair by my grandma's large window waiting... I remember the sun and the brown's and reds in the chair and I remember my mother's droopy drunken face but absolutely nothing else. It's hard to get a baseline for these memories because talking to my parents about it always results in severe discomfort for them and a few words spoken and then questions about why I have to be bringing up the past. I mean other than a mild curiousity about these memories, I feel nothing. At this moment anyway... sometimes I have felt outrage and sadness... but nothing else. It's so strange. I do not know if these things really transpired.

Chances are these memories ARE true. Since you have such detailed memories, these are most definitely true. I would seriously doubt that you would have dreamed this.

Have you been in therapy? I think it would be a good idea if you did. Get all these memories out, and deal with them -- some may be disturbing and a therapist would help you cope with them. He would give you the tools to learn how to deal with your issues.

I'm sorry you had to go thru such scary things being so young. I do understand, as I had similar things happen, although my father was never arrested -- he should have been, but never was. I'm sure this has some affect on you, and a therapist would be of great help.

I wish you the best of luck. God bless you and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee