[DogandtheMoon]

Hi, my name's Kris and I'm new to this forum.

I decided to create an account because I am really struggling with everything I've been trying to understand about myself, my codependent behaviors, and my general life patterns lately.

To be more specific, after breaking down all of the harmful behaviors I've tried to cling to in my life in attempts to feel a sense of self or give myself direction, I don't think I really know who I am at all. I identify with all of the characteristics of acoas though, so I think this might be a good place to ask for advice.

I was hoping to talk to people further along in their recovery journey about tactics they've used or ways they've learned to cultivate a strong sense of self through non-harmful means? I don't want to replace my codependency with complete narcissism. I tend to feel the most comfortable in the extremes, so I feel like that's something I need to watch out for. Moderation is the thing that makes me feel the least stable. I don't know the rules and it feels alien.

I feel like I've created a bit of an existential crisis for myself, and it's only compounding my serious anxiety/ptsd resulting from my last go-around in a really abusive relationship that I co-created without really understanding what I was doing.

I would really appreciate some guidance if anyone has the time to offer it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello DogandtheMoon: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

[barbella]

Hi Dogandthemoon,
Are there any ACOA group meetings near where you live? I have gone from time to time and find it helpful.

[Michael 77]

In general, building a sense of self is just about paying attention to what you think, what you feel, what you prefer, what you like and dislike -- and then honoring that in action (e.g., expressing it, acting on it, whatever). It's not about specific exercises so much as about self-reflection (so that you know what you think/feel/like/prefer) and then having the courage to follow that. You like it, you do it. Don't let other people throw you off. Hold to what you think/feel/want.

It's also important to learn your codependent patterns, so you can catch them and stop them.

You will feel as if you're selfish. We all do, because we're so used to pleasing, accommodating, trying to "get it right," adapting to others, etc. ACA's are among the people least likely to be selfish (although you do run into some genuine narcissists, sometimes). You are doing things that you like, that you want, that are important to you -- that's not selfish, that's just behaving in your best interests (which no one did for you growing up, so it feels weird and like you're stepping out of line when you do it).

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Michael 77

In general, building a sense of self is just about paying attention to what you think, what you feel, what you prefer, what you like and dislike -- and then honoring that in action (e.g., expressing it, acting on it, whatever). It's not about specific exercises so much as about self-reflection (so that you know what you think/feel/like/prefer) and then having the courage to follow that. You like it, you do it. Don't let other people throw you off. Hold to what you think/feel/want.

It's also important to learn your codependent patterns, so you can catch them and stop them.

You will feel as if you're selfish. We all do, because we're so used to pleasing, accommodating, trying to "get it right," adapting to others, etc. ACA's are among the people least likely to be selfish (although you do run into some genuine narcissists, sometimes). You are doing things that you like, that you want, that are important to you -- that's not selfish, that's just behaving in your best interests (which no one did for you growing up, so it feels weird and like you're stepping out of line when you do it).

Thanks Michael. I needed to read that because I too have a hard time knowing what I like and especially WANT - even after many years in Recovery but, since my beloved wife passed away, I am faced with having to make decisions and find out what I like and want - and then ACT ON IT. I guess I became quite codependent in our marriage and am now paying the price for it. Oh well.........off to another meeting! Thanks again, Michael.