I'm finally talking to others!

Hey, um I've been having body issues lately. I beleive I used to have anorexia, and bulima (or just anorexia because the only reason I'd throw my food up was to make people think I was eating and not just avoiding food). Anyways I recently started taking diet pills again and wanting to do drugs that could make me skinnier (I know both of these are terrible coping stratagies) because of a stupid magazine cover. I just saw it and burned inside and since then I've felt nausiated eating at all but I'm feeling grose because I haven't been eating much plus the diet pills. And I wanted to carve the dark f word into my stomach. It still wants to make me self harm. Are these normal things to go through? Is this a relapse? When I went through it twice before I could count my ribs and everyone was all excited about how I "Looked so great". Anyways I guess I'm curious, and upset and scared but there's this excitment of "muwahahaha I will be skinny again soon!". I'm just having trouble wraping my head around it because I never have been diagnosed. Does this sound like struggles others have had? I just have trouble beleiving it because I heard all of these horror stories about teeth and hair falling out and dramatic things like that. But I do KO on occasion after a cigarette, especially if I haven't eaten.

Sorry I'm just getting this all off my chest for the first time you know? Not to my friends, but for them I mention it in passing. I want to take martial arts, but I don't want to eat period. Swallowing feels wrong, digesting feels wrong, if I actually eat I get nausiated and can't finnish things anymore. I've been considering just drinking all of my calories (those stupid meal replacements make it so tempting!). And I'm scared, I don't remember what happend last two times aside from passing out here and there for what I thought were a few seconds but turns out I'd have been out for minuets and once a sempi (secondary teacher in Karate) had actually called my sensei over to check on me. I don't remember this though, I just vaugly remember his face over mine.

But yeah scared because it feels so good, but I know its so dangerious! I'm sorry if I triggerd anyone I just want someone to talk to me about this, someone who's been there Like should I tell my doctor and councoler? should I tell my friends? I don't WANT to...............I just want to continue this until I can see my ribs again and fit into my "skinny clothes". I'm so scared and confussed.

Okay, Okay I'm done rambling. Thanks guys! This is just really upseting My bf mentioned I gained weight and cried when I told him how I reacted which is what triggerd the trigger with the magazines. Still so angry at the girl in the picture. Envious, hateful and I don't like being this way WHAT DO I DO?!

The best way to investigate your health is always with the assistance of a doctor. If you are not certain you can make an objective ascertation, ask them if your weight is within the healthy range. You can also ask for bloodwork to be done to ensure organ function and electrolyte levels are healthy. (It is entirely possible, for instance, to be an average weight, but be malnourished, or other problems)
If you are feeling uncomfortable with your body, or are concerned about engaging in exercising with healthy limits, you should definitely bring these issues up with your counselor. Body imag and eating/food issues are very serious, but you shouldn't be afraid to talk about them. I wish you luck in successfully overcoming these and any other obstacles you have.

Should I still tell my doctor though? About the urges and actions?

I think that depends on what you are okay with them doing in response. I don't think it will be anything too dramatic, but make sure you are okay with the possible consequences before you share your urges with medical personnel.

The doctors assistant wanted to ship me off to the hospital for a few days but me and my doctor agreed itd be a huge waist of time. And now i have an urgent referral to a psyciatrist. Thanks you for your advice i really appreciate it!

I'm really proud of you for talking to the Dr.! Having a healthy body is SO important! Therapy has helped me tremendously and I'm hoping that you benefit too. Be open with they Psych. and I'm sure you'll do well. I'm here cheering you on!