[fijiisland]

Just curious. I heard someone say that its the parents fault when a child becomes anorexic? Is that true?

When I was a teen at times I would only eat certain things and I wanted to be real thin. I was real thin actually but I thought I was fat.

I have always felt controlled by my parents and I think my way of eating was controlling myself???

[eskielover]

It's ALWAYS OUR CHOICE. Parents may create situations that might encourage that behavior by things they say or do but they never cause us to be anorexic. Our behavior is our own choice unless it's parents withholding food from the child.

[Ladycakes]

Children often use food and eating as a way to assert independence. In a world where every choice is made for you by your parents, developing fussy eating patterns is a way for children to be in control of themselves. Many fussy children have developed that habit when very young and then they just continue that behaviour as they grow up. So it is entirely possible that a child of controlling parents will develop a disordered pattern of eating in an attempt to gain some control over their own body.

HOWEVER, disordered eating and an eating disorder are two very different things. Disordered eating doesn't impact on the person's daily life or their mental health. They may skip meals here and there or refuse to eat certain foods or forget to eat for long periods and then make up for it by eating a lot in a short period (my husband does this, he usually only eats at night, just because he can't really be bothered during the work day). An eating disorder is a mental illness. It is not just the way the person does or does not eat food. It is all encompassing, it is present in their thoughts all day, causes stress and emotional pain as they struggle with irrational thoughts and damaging behaviours that they wish they didn't have to deal with. It is a disease of the mind just like depression, OCD, anxiety etc. It is not something that one chooses. You may choose to eat selectively or begin a starvation diet but you don't choose to be anorexic.

That said, eating disorders commonly find their beginning when the sufferer tries to control something in their life, like their weight. So your experience with feeling a lack of control over your own life may have caused you to try to control your food intake. And that may have spiralled in to the mental illness of anorexia. Eating disorders are not experienced by every person who "diets" and they are not caused by parents or any person. Not even the sufferer. You wouldn't say it's Joe Blow's fault that he is depressed because he broke up with his girlfriend. You would know that there is more to the situation and it is much more serious. Same thing with ED.

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[runningonresilience]

Originally Posted by eskielover

It's ALWAYS OUR CHOICE. Parents may create situations that might encourage that behavior by things they say or do but they never cause us to be anorexic. Our behavior is our own choice unless it's parents withholding food from the child.

_________________________________________________________________

I felt compelled to reply specifically to this comment because that is a dangerous choice of words. You are right, parents do not cause an eating disorder but an eating disorder is CERTAINLY not the sufferers choice either. There is a reason why eating disorders are diagnosable mental illnesses. There is a saying common in ed treatment that "while the ed is not a choice, recovery is." This is true, recovery has a significant amount to do with both a will to recover and resources available. It's still unclear what exactly causes an eating disorder but the general thinking is that there is a biological/biochemical/genetic vulnerability which creates a predisposition for sensitivity and perfectionism. It's then a unique mix of environmental factors and life experiences that trigger the vulnerability and turn it into a full fledged eating disorder. The greatest misnomer is that eating disorders are about being thin. They are not. Disordered eating may be, but a clinical eating disorder is an emotional coping mechanism, a way to gain control or safety when it feels as if everything else is falling apart. But the truth is while you feel like you have control, the eating disorder has usurped your control and ran away with it. I'm 11 years into my own journey to recover from anorexia and bulimia and have met hundreds of other sufferers over the years. I've lost too many. I've come so close to losing my own life. It's so important to make it clear that eating disorder behavior is in no way a choice. I haven't met one person who would choose to slowly and painfully destroy themselves in this way. It's also important for loved ones to not go down the rabbit hole of blaming themselves. Eating disorders are complicated and intricate and unique for each person. I've found that the best thing for parents/loved ones to do is simply to love us through it. Recovery can take years. Keep holding on to that love and support.

[eskielover]

The greatest misnomer is that eating disorders are about being thin. They are not. Disordered eating may be, but a clinical eating disorder is an emotional coping mechanism, a way to gain control or safety when it feels as if everything else is falling apart. But the truth is while you feel like you have control, the eating disorder has usurped your control and ran away with it.........

It's so important to make it clear that eating disorder behavior is in no way a choice.

runningonresilience.....YOU are CORRECT!!!! The last time I was dealing with anorexia was after a trauma & there was no way I could eat even while in the medical hospital where 3 meals a day were provided & I didn't have to do anything other than ask for any food that I would eat but I couldn't get it down even when it was right there for me to eat without feeling so sick I couldn't even think about eating food.

When I was in elementary school and normal weight, my narcissistic mother would scream at me. Pull scale out of hall closet. Force me on it. Say nice round weight. Big butt. Etc.

I never understood why she did that but it changed something in me bad. It left a mark on me.

I became a proper anorextic during my 16 year marriage to a narcissist. Talk about stress omg. Getting thin was the only thing I could control. So that's what I did. Big time.

Fast forward, add bipolar and other MI and chronic pain....escaped marriage in 2014.

I struggle with the thin thing when I get stressed. Husband gone helped but I'm disabled from this bipolar and the other stuff.

Well. That was more than anyone cared to know. Thanks for listening. xo

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Eskie is right. It is a choice. I made the choice to lose crazy amounts of weight. But then one day I was no longer the one in control. I had an ED with its grip on ME. It's like having a horrible roommate. I can't evict her but I have enough sense to not throw in the towel and let it win.

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