[21joshduns]

I want to stop, but i cant. I love it, but I despite it.

Anorexia is more then an eating disorder, its an addiction in my eyes. I was too little to know who or what a Pro-Ana was. i just didn't want to live in embarrassment and loneliness. But here i am now, lonely. It started 3 years ago, when i was 10. I was already dealing with OCD and Anxiety. The schools counsler was my best friend. I didnt have a bad childhood, but i always dealt with bullies and people giving me looks. One day, in 5th grade, one of the most popular boys came up to me. Without any welcome, he says,"your too fat to have friends, lose weight and stop trying so hard." Those words sent me running to the counslers. I was so embarrassed, and he was right.

As the year went on, I continued going on with my normal routine. I snacked often and i was a pretty big girl for my age. I was already overweight but that didn't stop me. My mom also pointed out i was becoming a 'little plump'. I was tired of all the judgement and bullies. I stopped trying to snack but failed horrendously. I gained 2 more pounds.

6th grade finnaly starts, and that same boy comes up to me and says "still at it?" And starts laughing and walks away. I knew nothing about this school so I couldn't go to the counslers or hide somewhere. I was lost once again.
I came home pretending that didn't ruin my day. As soon as i got in my room, I grabbed my phone and searched up how to lose weight quick. The only one that caught my eye was 'pro ana!' I looked at the pictures and admired them, i followed the rules and realized that all i had to do was not eat or eat very little and excercise. I was so excited to start, so i ate dinner that night knowing it was my last for a while. This was how it was all of 6th and then came summer, by then i think I dropped considerable weight, but I thought i was still too fat. People would come up to me calling me a 'skinny mini'. Sure the compliments were nice, but I didn't feel the satisfaction.
I started exercising more and by the end of the summer had lost a lot of weight. This was a huge mile stone for me, my parents thought it was puberty but I only think 10% of it was.
Along came 7th grade, one of the toughest years of my life. I was givin the name 'toothpick'. Although i still felt fat, i hated myself cause i still felt that not only wasn't I satisfied, people were still bulling me for my looks and weight. I think this is where my suicidal days kicked in. Knowing myself, im too afraid to do so, but i still thinked about it. This one day, I tried to do so but thats a different story. 7th grade was also my lowest weight. my mom noticed and always threatens to take me to the mental hospital that's literally right behavior us. I just kinda smile and nervously say no.
I want to tell her, but its so hard. Although she already thinks im anorexic , if i tell her shell just say i need to shutup or laugh. Im also afraid shell get really mad at me and send me to the hospital, im so afraid of them.

Right now im in 8th, im 13 and weigh only a little more than last year. Im an anorexic, and im so desperate to seek help, but so afraid. I cry every time at the thought that im the only one who knows im like this. My parents are always working making me in charge of food. I eat, but i dont on most days. My parents only see one side. I just hate being this way, but i love being thin. But i am also disgusted at myself. I just want to be loved and not be alone all the time, to have someone to understand me and bring me out of this hell.

[Skeezyks]

Hi 21joshduns: I'm sorry you are struggling so. It can be difficult enough when those around you are supportive. Struggling in silence can be so much more difficult. I hope being here on PsychCentral can be of at least some small comfort to you.

I don't know where you live, or what kinds of services are available to you, of course. But, from what you wrote, it sounds as though an eating disorders program could possibly be a great resource for you.

By the way, are you familiar with California Therapist Kati Morton? (I think I've replied to your posts previously. Maybe I've mentioned her to you before.) Kati uploads mental health related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's also on Facebook, Twitter, & other social websites. Kati has a special interest in eating disorders. If you're not familiar with her, check out her YouTube channel! She's great!

I don't know how to reply without triggering you...but I wanted to let you know I read your thread.

((((((hugs)))))