[joe50000]

Hi.

Let me start off by saying that this isn't going to be like other threads. This is going to be a thread about someone who has managed to recover somewhat from ASPD.

I was diagnosed with conduct disorder when I was 9. It was a pretty severe case. I started several fires every day for months on end. I stole/bought cigarettes and sold them to other kids. I tortured small animals and terrorized neighborhood children. I stole literally anything I wanted. I even stole a car and destroyed it. It got so bad after a while every parent and older sibling wanted me as far away from their family as possible. At that age I was totally ready to stalk and kill anyone, for no reason at all. I even devised a plan where I would pretend to be a lost little boy, have an adult lower their guard, maybe even take me home with them, and then kill them and steal all their money. I was ready to watch the whole world consumed in flames, and everyone around me suffer unimaginable horror and pain.

I eventually got caught after setting a fire that almost consumed an apartment complex. I never admitted to the other crimes. After psychologically manipulating the police and several docs, I was finally diagnosed with conduct disorder. My doctor who was really experienced with the disorder saw right through me. Thus began the treatment that probably saved a future psychotic killer from developing.

After several years of cognitive behavioral therapy, which I likened to training a dog, I managed to learn how to control myself. Those years were painfully lonely, because my family was terrified and angry with me, and didn't want anything to do with me, and I was not allowed to socialize with other children. My doc said that I wouldn't have socialized with them normally, so he insisted that it wouldn't harm me. He was right though.

I eventually learned how to obey the law (which let to an almost obsessive adherence to the law; even now, I won't ever litter, jaywalk, or commit other petty crimes), and respect other people and their property. It was mostly due to my doc instilling the fear of God into me that I would go to jail and never be released.

However, I still have severe problems with empathy, sympathy, love, and compassion. I don't really experience anger or sadness either. I'm also bipolar, so I get depressive episodes, but it's mostly a feeling of having no motivation to get going or leave my house. I don't feel loneliness or detachment from the human race, despite having very few friends. Just to give you some examples of how cold I am: my mother broke her wrist a few years ago and was in horrific pain, and it provoked no emotional reaction whatsoever; I didn't feel anger, resentment, bitterness, fear, or joy; my father had a bad heart attack a few weeks ago and again, I felt nothing; and anytime one of my friends has had a personal tragedy, they all tell me that I only give them logical, "rational" responses, with no emotion behind them. I also don't flinch at all when I see horrific imagery.

All of my relationships ended the same way: my SO telling me that I was cold, unfeeling, unemotional, distant, and "out of touch" with the relationship. I never treated them badly, hit them, or emotionally manipulated them even though I can read people really well and be aware of their weaknesses.

I pretty much exist with no internal motivation; it's more like "forced socialization". I feel at times like i'm in a prison, and I have no choice but to cooperate with the authority of human civilization. However, I do not have any homicidal bloodlust or criminal impulse control problems. In fact, people tell me that i'm the straightest arrow they know. I never feel empty though. Just "there".

[objtrbit]

Sounds like you have really come a long way! How are you doing around people now? It sucks that you feel like you're in a prison, that must make life hard sometimes-strange though, the thing that motivated you to stay out of trouble is still bothering you-the prison thing. I hope you keep talking about and keep us udated on how your doing.

((((joe50000))))

Take care,
-obj

Wow, thank god you came along. I'm in the same position you were in. I'm contemplating going to see a therapist. I have a terrible time with empathy (and probably always will), and my relationships suffer because of it. Don't get me wrong, my mask is well crafted for professional and short-time relationships. But I'm not as adept in long-term relationships. People notice, and I can't have that. They say that psychopaths get a lot better at crafting their masks through therapy, which would be super. (And help with impulse control lest I go through with some less than legal desires.) But I'm concerned about confidentiality issues with therapists. I've heard from different parties that therapy is very confidential and no one but the patient and therapist will know the diagnosis (except in extenuating circumstances like legal issues and danger to self/others). I've also heard from other parties that confidentiality is all a lie. I have high aspirations and can't afford to be labeled by a scarlet letter. So, how'd therapy go for you? I know your situation was different due to court orders and whatnot. But did it help you any? Was it worth it?
And I definitely know where you're coming from when you describe the callousness and periods of lacking motivation. I can't understand horror. Some days, I would love for a 1984-like dystopia to consume the world just so I have a reason to rebel it, destroy it, set the cities ablaze, and still be deemed an anti-hero.

[Michah]

Hi Joe,

All I can say, is massive kudos to you. What an intelligent, insightful and thought provoking post.

I was dx many years ago with traits of ASPD and "psychopathic antisocial behavioural issues". This was was thrown in with NPD and BPD and gosh knows what. I was a walking bag of monster and made to feel the same for many years. My childhood was, at times, terrifying for many different reasons, so I think my behaviour was a mixture of many different triggers.

There is a difference in my case as I was dx with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD and dyslexia in the 36th year of my life, so the inability to react or behave appropriately in certain situations has certainly got me in some hot water and people running away, covering their eyes in horror. I also had many run ins with the law, and am working on making peace with them, in my own way.

Our lives are different but there are some stunning parallels. Can I ask a question? Are there some deep seated issues that contribute to the ASPD dx?

Don't know if this helps, but I had terrible rage attacks in my young adulthood and a caring man who I treated like a brother took me to meet his Kung Fu master. Enter, Taoism, a very special and logical eastern philosophy. I know it sounds counterintuitive to hand a closet psychopath the tools of a kung fu student, but due to my master, I learned the art of control and ultimately, forgiveness. While I was training, I was not angry.

Take good care of your precious self.......and forgive you.

In stillness,

Michah

*tips hat*

It's always a pleasure to meet a fellow psychopath. Good day and good luck to you, sir.