Lately, it's become difficult to control my impulsive behavior. Truthfully, it's always been difficult, but it's getting worse. I don't want to be like my father, which is what has been keeping me from being completely evil. But that passionate hatred for the man has been fading ever since his death. And my reasons for being (or trying to be) a nicer human being has been fading along with it.

First of all... My father was a well respected family practitioner, a church goer, supported the community, and a family man. His reputation was his everything. The "family" part was necessary to maintain his image. And he made sure his family was perfect by tormenting and abusing them into utter submission, which turned my mother and sisters into depressed, neurotic people. But it had no psychological effect on me other than hating the man. I saw him as an opponent rather than a father, and we constantly played the control game. He took everything away from me and gave me no privileges, and I did everything I could to ruin his reputation and turn his family against him. Eventually he realized that he wasn't going to win against me, convinced the whole town I was either demonically possessed or insane, then had me admitted into a psych ward when I was 14 after the exorcism failed.

The last time I ever spoke to him was when my first wife died in the same car accident that left me crippled. He came to the hospital to rub it in my face. He told me that this was God's way of punishing me for all the trouble I gave him, and that I didn't deserve Alice. ...And that was the only time I ever punched an old man...

Now, my rather unfortunate childhood didn't make me any less of a psychopath. I was born as such, and I'm never going to change. However, I did see my father in some of my behavior. Not the petty criminal stuff, but the controlling, abusive behavior. I didn't like that, and it made me realize that I don't want to be that. And, having a wonderful, happy family, and a wife that actually loves me despite what I am is my way of telling him to shove it. I am everything he wishes he was. But now he's pushing up daisies. My aunt made sure of that. (She also made sure she was on his will before she tampered with his heart meds). And all of this now seems in vain.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and family and I don't want to lose it/them. But I don't see "love" the way normals do. It's not altruistic. As long as the family is giving me what I want, I don't care in the slightest for their well being. And I know you (whoever is reading this) are going to say that it's horrible and mean, and that I'm heartless, which I am. But I can't think any other way. Trust me, I've tried.

Despite this, I still try to make my family work, and not by abusing them. I can honestly say I have never laid a hand on my wife or kids out of anger. And that's saying a lot for me. It helps that I'm not particularly sadistic, and I don't want to be like every other psychopath in existence. But I am very manipulative. Not intentionally or consciously. My wife is very resilient to it though, and she knows how to counter it.

Right now, with the new baby, my other two kids, and my mother-in-law being a witch, tension is a little high. Not to mention my therapist is on vacation, and Nikki can't deal with my crap while she's taking care of the baby, which I understand and I'm not complaining. But thanks to my wonderful "illness" (for lack of a better word), I can't see that it's going to pass, and that things are going to get better. My cold, calculating, rational, inner psychopath is screaming, "GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!", and it's taking every ounce of my energy to ignore it. I know that it will be better for me in the long run to stay with my family and keep them happy, but I can't truly understand it.

I kind of feel like I've just been rambling a lot, so sorry for that...

Basically, I'm just really on edge right not, like anything will set me off. And I'm trying to hold it together because I don't want to hurt my family. So if anyone has any advice or techniques to relieve the stress until the situation dies down a little, that would be super.

Basically, I'm just really on edge right not, like anything will set me off. And I'm trying to hold it together because I don't want to hurt my family.

Your post is troubling. The quote more so. What exactly do you mean when you say you do not want to hurt your family?

[lynn P.]

Hey Myers,
I remember you the other day when you posted about your new baby girl Alice. BTW that was a beautiful tribute by your present wife naming your daughter after your late wife Alice. I'm so sorry you had an abusive father and you lost your 1st wife in a car accident - that was a terrible lie your father told you. Are you wheelchair bound? Would you mind me asking if you've actually been diagnosed a psychopath or are you assuming you'll turn out like your father?

It's easy when you've been through trauma like you have, to turn hateful but if you work on healing, there's no guarantee you'll be like him. He's not alive anymore, yet he still has control over you as long as the hate has a hold of you. Do you have a therapist and are you on medication?

You have a new baby girl - babies are born with a clean slate and new life. I also know babies can also put alot of stress on parents and your wife will need support. I know you're used to her accomodating you, so this might make you feel more stressed.

Have you been taught management skills to control your anger? If not I encourage you to join one of those anger support groups. You can also learn deep slow breathing exercises and counting to ten when you're upset. I see you don't like your MIL but it best to try to get along, since it's your wifes mother and this is her 1st grandchild. Remember just because you're your father's son, doesn't mean you're guaranteed to turn out like him.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Your post is troubling. The quote more so. What exactly do you mean when you say you do not want to hurt your family?

Exactly what it says. I'd be lying if I said my intentions weren't selfish, but I've really come to like 'em, and I'd hate to drive them away just because I'm too weak-willed to control my impulses. What does that make me, but just another out-of-control psychopath that ends up in prison or on the streets? I know I'll never be the most generous individual, but I do have certain standard of living that I wish to achieve. And Nikki, especially, is interesting and unique, and for some odd reason she loves me. I know I can't return the favor, but this is as close to love as I'll ever get. I don't want to lose that.

Just out of curiosity, why is that quote, out of everything I said, the most troubling?

[NuckingFutz]

Dear Michael Myers, guess the name suits your disorder. Since you make up about 4% of the male population, there isn't a whole lot of help out there for you especially since Dr. Hare is pretty firm in his belief that there is no treatment and there is no cure. In spite of this you go on fighting. Being you, I guess you really do not have a choice. He says therapy makes you worse because you learn how to manipulate better. Not a whole lot out there for you guys. Just for the victims. You know, it probably sucks being you because you can't appreciate what you have simply because your brain works differently than most people's brains. How did you accept your diagnosis? Good luck to you.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

BTW that was a beautiful tribute by your present wife naming your daughter after your late wife Alice.

Yeah... I didn't even mention Alice as a name. It was really thoughtful of her...

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Are you wheelchair bound? Would you mind me asking if you've actually been diagnosed a psychopath or are you assuming you'll turn out like your father?

No, just pain killers and a gimp. I'll never run again, but it's not like I ever did to begin with... I am official. In the psych ward, I was diagnosed with ODD. I had high Pd (Psychopathic deviant) on the mmpi. And I received a 32 on my first pcl-r, a 34 on the second. I was also asked to do a study on psychopathic neuropathology and was administered an mri. The results were typical in psychopaths.

If you haven't read Dr. Hare's book, psychopaths are basically destined to cause destruction. Even psychopaths who grew up in loving homes create chaos in everything they touch. It's just who we are.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

It's easy when you've been through trauma like you have, to turn hateful but if you work on healing, there's no guarantee you'll be like him. He's not alive anymore, yet he still has control over you as long as the hate has a hold of you. Do you have a therapist and are you on medication?

The hatred for him had kept me from becoming like him. I understand that I'm living my life with his influence, but it has still been for the better. And it worked for the moment... I have a therapist, a counselor, and a psychiatrist. However, the therapist is the only one who actually picks up his phone when he sees my number on caller i.d... I am on painkillers and sleeping pills, but nothing for any sort of mental illness.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

You have a new baby girl - babies are born with a clean slate and new life. I also know babies can also put alot of stress on parents and your wife will need support. I know you're used to her accomodating you, so this might make you feel more stressed.

Tell me about it... Thank God we have nannies...

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Have you been taught management skills to control your anger? If not I encourage you to join one of those anger support groups. You can also learn deep slow breathing exercises and counting to ten when you're upset. I see you don't like your MIL but it best to try to get along, since it's your wifes mother and this is her 1st grandchild. Remember just because you're your father's son, doesn't mean you're guaranteed to turn out like him.

I have been to a few of those. Unfortunately, though, the guy who aids in that class has a restraining order against me. My therapist coaches me in anger management and with whole manipulation thing. Fortunately, my homicidal outbursts of rage, while intense, rarely last more than a minute. And they occasionally make for funny stories.

I usually don't get past number five before a tire iron goes flying through the cabinets and my wife chases me out of the kitchen with a knife. Another funny story... I've found that beating the crap out of a punching bag helps release that rage a little, and the outbursts happen less often. It's good exercise too...

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Since you make up about 4% of the male population, there isn't a whole lot of help out there for you especially since Dr. Hare is pretty firm in his belief that there is no treatment and there is no cure.

Actually, that's a misconception. It's only 1%. ASPD is 4%. And Bobert Hare does have an experimental treatment for us psychopaths, which is the treatment I'm undergoing now.

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

How did you accept your diagnosis?

Since I received the worst of my father's abuse, I would probably be severely depressed or have PTSD, maybe even both. I'd rather have psychopathy.

I've never known anything else. To me, this is normal. And it's kind of difficult to be sad about something when you're nearly incapable of being sad.

BTW, what does the red "X" next to the post title mean?

[lynn P.]

The red X is a trigger icon that people or moderators can put on a post to warn other members, there might be upsetting or triggers in the post - so they could avoid reading it. Best of luck with your new baby.

[NuckingFutz]

Okay, so give us the bottom line...you usually handle your rage by beating the crap out of a punching bag. The tire iron story sounds like what you are asking help with when you say you are losing it. Short of exhausting yourself with physical activity all the time which is impossible, I would check with your therapist and let him know whats going on. Ask him for suggestions. Hope he's got the right training to deal with your issues. Wish your pre-frontal cortex worked better. Oh, the only suggestion I have is to take a vacation from the family and that will give everyone a break. You sound sane compared to the APD I had in my life. Mine was addicted to crack and had 8 felonies and 3 girlfriends who were totally clueless.

Hello, Myers. I grew up with an abusive father too. It is one thing for a person to suffer from an illness; it is another to unleash the inner torment on innocents.

I respect what you have done and are doing. Maybe the tire irons and knives could be left to their intended use?

Good luck.

[Junerain]

Just wanted to say my father, too, was very, very well respected amongst the community too, with poor fathering skills behind the smile/doctor's touch. This hurts. It makes you angry to hear all the good things about him, angry the truth has not come out, and angry you hold the key to that disarming info.

I was treated terribly compared to my brother, I was the only one with an illness in the family, it skipped a generation.

I was made to feel inferior, just because I was so real and genuine and loving as opposed to cut off, snobby, and plain arrogant and rude.

It helps me to hear the same childhood story,,,it is rare on this website,,most are from backgrounds different..

Thank you

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Okay, so give us the bottom line...you usually handle your rage by beating the crap out of a punching bag. The tire iron story sounds like what you are asking help with when you say you are losing it. Short of exhausting yourself with physical activity all the time which is impossible, I would check with your therapist and let him know whats going on. Ask him for suggestions. Hope he's got the right training to deal with your issues. Wish your pre-frontal cortex worked better. Oh, the only suggestion I have is to take a vacation from the family and that will give everyone a break. You sound sane compared to the APD I had in my life. Mine was addicted to crack and had 8 felonies and 3 girlfriends who were totally clueless.

It's not just the homicidal outbursts of repressed rage that are the problem. Yes, they can be physically harmful, but I usually manage to control myself enough to where I don't hurt anyone or any animal. That inner, suppressed rage is the core of my being, and it doesn't go away. The best I can do is take it out on something that breaks, but won't feel anything. Like a lamp. Or a chair.

While that is a problem, and I would like some help with it, I'm more concerned about the manipulative and deceitful behavior. That behavior I have almost no control over, because most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. And it's more damaging in the long run.

My therapist knows what's going on. He always does, whether he wants to or not. But he only does every Thursday and during emergency phone calls. And this weeks homework assignment is to identify manipulation in my own behavior. This has proven difficult.

I took a "vacation" from my family about a month ago. If I leave again, there's a good chance I won't come back. And Nikki will come looking for me. She has before.

8 felonies? I imagine he'd have a fairly extensive sentence, then? I shouldn't be one to talk... I'm addicted to pain killers, and I was indicted for 4 felonies and acquitted for 2.

But that doesn't make me any less sane.

Originally Posted by Junerain

Just wanted to say my father, too, was very, very well respected amongst the community too, with poor fathering skills behind the smile/doctor's touch. This hurts. It makes you angry to hear all the good things about him, angry the truth has not come out, and angry you hold the key to that disarming info.

Thank you

Yeah... No one believes you when you try to confide in them, and the rest of your family turns a blind eye to his madness. It makes you feel almost helpless. That was the worst of it.

You're welcome. And thanks for sharing your story as well.

[SophiaG]

Myers keep posting.

[Psyched]

Myers, this is the 2nd post where you've mentioned that there's a difference between psychopaths & people with ASPD. Please explain what the difference is. I'm genuinely interested to learn.

[kaotikinside]

as i understand it, there has been forming for some time a rift between the two terms. while ASPD was originally coined as a more politically correct name for "sociopath" it has come to represent a personality disorder (in other words a set of learned, however dysfunctional traits... traits which could supposedly be unlearned if one were willing to participate) whereas according to myers' perspective (as i understand it, please correct me if i'm wrong) psycho/sociopathy is a brain damage issue.

[AlmendraLife]

Ways to deal with the death might be thinking of the good memories. Some deal with it by talking to the burned to ashes of the person they know who died, and by talking about the death, making something which is filled of good memories. Like some sort of album with the pictures of experiences with captions of the event taking place. I realized my mother found it relieving to visit the graves of the people she knew who died. For me holding onto the hope that maybe someday I'll get to see Laura again even though she's dead by now helped me feel better. I guess it all depends on your beliefs though to be able to think that, no matter what though remind yourself it may be a possibility. I hope things get better for you.

I haven't visited her grave in ages... Thank you.

[AlmendraLife]

Originally Posted by Myers

I haven't visited her grave in ages... Thank you.

You're very welcome.

[Ygrec23]

Hi, Myers,

Whatever evil you may have done, I like you. I had a brother who was a psychopath and never, ever tried to do anything about it, as you have. I don't know whether you want to acknowledge it or not, but you are really fighting the good fight against it. Your new wife, your family, what you say in your posts, are all proof that you are not taking this lying down. I know what it's like living with an unrepentant psychopath (we were only two years apart in age). It's hell. I assume you have more feeling than to try that on your kids as your Dad did with you. You have my absolute respect and my sincere hopes for a happy, decent, family future. Unfortunately, I do believe that the only thing for you is a lifetime of heavy painkillers. I do not believe you are a happy man, and you need something for your support, regardless of the way society looks at it. The best of luck to you, your wife and your kids.

Take care.

i agree with ygrec23....and i think you have made huge strides!!!!!

Thank you wolfsong and Ygrec. It means a lot to know that there are people in the world who believe I'm capable of doing good.

Clears throat....err herrmm....KNOWS you are capable.pfft...I have liked you from the start.~RAWR~

Originally Posted by wolfsong

Clears throat....err herrmm....KNOWS you are capable.pfft...I have liked you from the start.~RAWR~

You're too kind.

[NuckingFutz]

I think you are pretty cool too.