[pepsivanilla93]

I have not been formally diagnosed with this disorder. However, in my research I have found similarities in the symptoms described and my 'personality'. I write 'personality' in quotations because I have no grip on a definite self or definitive values. I am ever so flexible in qualities of self, as well as being a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group. I can attain dominance in any clique. I lack emotion towards others. Other people seem to be figures, or objects. I generally do not care for others. I'm quite superficially nice as keeping others around can benefit me. Just today the annoying girl at work gave me a ride home because my car broke down. Had I been straight up with her, I would not have benefited in any way. My world revolves around attaining dominance and sex. Productivity often interferes with maintaining personal relationships. I have left immediate family and moved with distant relatives halfway across the country. If they didn't keep in contact with me, I would have no problem not talking to them for a lengthy period of time. I'm at the end of my chain here, with introspection and life choices and have nowhere else to go. I just don't fit in anywhere and have to blend in. I've had murderous thoughts, and suicidal ideation. I had the typical ASPD conduct disorder when I was very young. I've harmed my own dog out of curiosity. I've set my house on fire before, and had childhood counseling. I feel like a success story for ASPD considering my conduct has all but improved and I strive for long-term goals. I can't stick with a damn thing though and that's my biggest hurdle. I feel empty with nowhere else to go and hopefully I can find some hope here.

I've gotten a dx from a pdoc of bipolar disorder, but I think I manipulated and may have over-exaggerated the symptoms to get that diagnosis. I haven't told anyone so I don't think it was for attention. I'm tired of wearing a 'mask'. Thanks for reading, and perhaps for replying.

-Lost and confused

[IndieVisible]

I would caution you in self diagnose. We tend to over focus symptoms and say, oh yea that's me. I went thru a period convinced I was BPD, then NPD Ihem I was sure I was both. I a nether and simply diagnosed as BP with pychosis and perhaps even affective schitz as I am not entirely sure my delusions are dependent of my mood disorder or independent of my mood disorder, we all feel some of the traits fro every disorder. Th real question should be which is doment and only you and a doc can figure that out. So don't be so quick to label yourself.

[pepsivanilla93]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

I would caution you in self diagnose. We tend to over focus symptoms and say, oh yea that's me. I went thru a period convinced I was BPD, then NPD Ihem I was sure I was both. I a nether and simply diagnosed as BP with pychosis and perhaps even affective schitz as I am not entirely sure my delusions are dependent of my mood disorder or independent of my mood disorder, we all feel some of the traits fro every disorder. Th real question should be which is doment and only you and a doc can figure that out. So don't be so quick to label yourself.

Thanks. I've got a while until I see my pdoc again. I can't afford to see him sooner. We'll see though, but bipolar has felt wrong from the start. OCPD is another good candidate.