Emotion

I never really paid attention to myself, or questioned why I thought the things I thought or acted the way I acted. I grew up in a family where my word and opinions did not matter and feelings were bad. As time progressed I began to accept that everyone must think like me and see life as I do. I didnt questioned it.
Little did I know that I was a sociopath, I had trouble expressing myself growing up and became a manipulator and a master at reading emotions at a young age. I felt I wasn't treated like a person. And people never saw my point of view or tried to understand me, like I didn't exist. I became interested in psychology and began to study it, I lacked attention from my family so I got a sense of accomplishment studying it because it felt so natural. Like psychology was common sense,but I never asked myself the question, why is human behavior common sense to me.
I manipulated my way through life with no effort, I felt like a god. The 4 years of high school I walked around like a king. Everyone fell to my will and no one resist the perfect blend of words and expressions, I could stare at a person's eyes and listen to their voice and or the way they moved and it felt like i was hunting, in minutes I knew everything about them. I was the spider and everything around me was on my spider web.little did I know, what I was becoming.

The big question was why did I have to manipulate, control, and disguise myself to be accepted. Because each time I try to express the original me people did not understand me and rejected my point of views. So I expanded my understanding and set myself another goal. Why is it impossible to find one person, in this big world that understands how I see life?

During my research on human emotions, I came across micro expressions and like everything else it felt like common sense. Life around me became harder to cope with due to the fact that I saw everything for what and who they really were. This was a very dark time in my life because I never realized that people lied and wore so masks to conceal emotions. I realized that I never had felt a real emotion, just anger. I analyzed myself to try to remember when I felt anything at all. I googled "why don't I have emotions?" and as I was scrolling down I saw the word "sociopath" after reading it, it felt like they were describing me. I felt understood but something wasn't quite right, yes I manipulated and controlled people but it was never for personal gain, since I started doing it at an early age and I was taught not to question anything I thought everybody was like this. I made it into a game where I would just try to know everything about them like a secret agent gathering intel. This is where the twist comes in since i started at an early age I saw people like if they were broken and I wanted to find what was broken and fix it. This is where everything contradicted the definition of a sociopath. Every person who I manipulated I was trying to fix and I felt obligated to do this because it felt so easy to control their emotions for their own Benefit in the process it made me into a humble person who tries to give the best of myself an made it so easy when I stop trying to fix myself and accepted for who I was. And in the end the lack of emotions helped because they didn't get in the way of how people behaved or treated me. It didn't matter what anybody did I always gave them the best of me because the rejection I felt was replaced by sadness and pity because I saw their problems and their solutions so easily but to them they were so far.

So i stop looking at myself as broken or trying to fix myself, I saw it as a gift to see life through different eyes and function properly with the world around me, like everything it comes with a price the lack of emotions and sometimes helping others means I have to be an outcast and walk outside the box alone. Because the only way I know how to move through life is by reading everybody and I can't shut it off getting ahead in life is quite difficult because I refuse to manipulate and use people for personal gain.

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I am a chameleon chiropractor with an invisible touch...I play their spinal column like a keyboard...and taste their central nervous system using my telepathic tongue. I use my reptilian gaze to reprogram their mammalian organs, and sign them with my signature smile. I make walkers into gliders, legged beasts into puppies that slither. I jump rope and chew the bubble gum of a fool's cranium.

Stay tasty, my friends.

Just because you don't feel certain emotions, or other emotions like others do, doesn't mean that you are any less human. People need acceptance from at least one source. I don't doubt that you are telling the truth in how and why you manipulate, but are you really sure that the why is what you think it is? And how often do you manipulate without the persons benefit being a factor? You may be different, but there are certain aspects that still make you a human being, and there are still factors that tie you in to other sociopaths. I am curious about your darker side? How often do want to kill or hurt people, angry or otherwise?

I really relate to what you said in yr post. I.don't know you but I'm not sure you are a sociopath. I say that because I have the same "gift" of being able to read people very easily. I too grew up in same household as you did. No emotions. Emotions were wrong. Fake people. Emotionally absent parents. Sick as f!

You probably have traits of being a sociopath so I mean no disrespect in saying you may not be one. But one other trait we share is the desire to fix other people. I could sense who they really were inside...I would think I could help them but I probably annoyed them in the process. Lol. Growing up in a household like we did we could have developed into two diff ways. Either overly emotional ... which is me ...or no ability to be emotional. A true sociopath doesn't give a rat's *** about how others feel. Believe me I know cause I was in a relationship with one for seven long years. He didn't care what wreckage he caused. He only wanted things that would benefit him. He never truly loved my children and me. He wasn't capable of doing so. Luckily I got out of that horrible web of lies and manipulation.

It sucks trying to navigate in this life what people's true intentions are which is why I don't trust people. I have one very close friend, my boyfriend and my two children. Sure I have other friends but I don't call on them very often. They are actually good people too but I get a vibe that they would rather be doing something different. But that's also my tarnished bpd coming into play. I can tell they care but I worry if I really open up to them then i might be a bit overwhelming to deal with. My one close friend I can totally be all of me, and she in turn is always her true self. I love that about her. So that's what I wanted to express to you. You aren't alone. If you tried to manipulate me I'm sure my keen sense of people's intentions would pop right up. :-) if you ever want to pm me feel free to do it. Take it easy


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I think it is extremely interesting how those who replied to your thread brushed off your insight on how you try to "fix people" and went straight for "yea...but how often do you want to kill people?"...so typical and one dimensional. I don't know, how often does anyone fantasize about these things? Yes, some of us are sadistic and dwell on violence; perhaps I would feel nothing about hurting someone, but I could also feel nothing when I have sex with your boyfriend or get you fired from your job. We each use our skill set for different personal gain, it is not always to physically harm... I am not Patrick Bateman or Hannibal Lecter, I am infinitely more complex than whatever definition you have been force fed by the media and Hollywood . Stereotypes are for the ignorant, thank you.
Anyways, I've been diagnosed with this disorder, and the need to fix or rebuild someone completely has haunted me my entire life. It can be extremely debilitating and distracting when trying to facilitate any sort of real relationship. I do not see it as nurturing or saving someone, it forces them to be dependent on me, and it feeds my narcissism by knowing I "helped someone", "they owe me" or "they're mine". I am glad you can progress past these feelings and look positively on them. Sorry for the rant, I am just sick of this romanticized "violent intelligent psychopath" ideal being thrown in my face constantly. It is almost as if they want us to live up to the image, which leads me to think perhaps they are the bloodthirsty ones instead.
Thank you for your post.
-O

I'm glad you had this insight, insight is key into fixing what is wrong with us and helps us to relate and understand other people, something sociopaths lack the ability to do. These things usually do not happen until the person is in their 40s or 50s and has had many unsuccessful relationships, possible jail time, etc... The impulse to inflict physical pain or emotional pain on other people is a defense mechanism put in place to cover up the immense pain felt at the very core of the sociopaths psyche. Imagine finding out your understanding of the world was all an illusion? Your reactive behavior to that world would go accordingly on how you perceive that reality. Understandably so. I have witnessed extraordinary transformations of both narcissists and sociopaths, but these things did not come without the willingness to change from the inside out. It is okay to be angry at the people who made you that way, it's all part of personality formation, things and events shape us, it does not mean we are stuck there though. Maybe you should sit down and think about what kind of person it is that you want to be? what kind of positive attention can you get by altering your behavior? Many sociopaths do very positive things for the world, they are doctors, servants of god, social workers... etc But these people put in a lot of work with therapists and medications to get to a healthy mind set. Finding a good therapist that you can trust is really important. Finding one who will tell you what reality is when yours is distorted, that you will listen to, is even more important.

Goodluck!

You are absolutely correct that sadistic thoughts can be healthy.I was not inferring that to have these thoughts was wrong. I was merely combating the misconceptions that sociopaths are ruled by violent impulses...which could not be further from the truth.

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This is so true. Sociopaths have lives too, they aren't constantly thinking about how to **** people over. They have to deal with mundane day to day **** just like everybody else.

I whant to destroy humanity cause they disgust me,but I can't give into it and I can't because I felt attached to my x fiancé and I fought myself to become more human and not be drivent to kill

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Also-Curious. I like how you ignored the rest of my post. If you knew me you'd understand that I know sociopaths very well and am very against the common misconceptions of them. However, my question to Ballistech was for the simple fact that sociopaths do take some time to think like that whether anybody knows it or not. I wanted insight into his(?) mind to know whether I should believe him about being a sociopath. I figured that the answer to that question would do it. I did not in any way indicate that sociopaths don't live normal lives or are ruled by violent impulses. I am very familiar with the mind of a sociopath that nobody knows is one except him and I. I probably know things about other sociopaths that they would be uncomfortable with me knowing.

Ballistech, I think the reason why you manipulate for the better is simply because that is who you are. Everyone wants to be accepted regardless of their reasons for it. I don't think why you do things is important unless you don't like who you are or what you do. You probably have many reasons why you do the things you do. There are so many factors that play into making somebody the way they are, and we can't know all of them. I think the fact that you dislike humanity so much, but that you choose to do good for them, makes you honorable. I think you should be content with that, and continue. You'll have to forgive my skepticism that you don't manipulate to mess with peoples minds for fun or revenge though. I don't believe that.

P.S. Although stereotypes do not apply on an individual level, they do come from somewhere. A generalization is just that. They can with caution be used on a large scale. Generally, dogs are friendly. But not all are, at all times. Stereotypes and generalizations are meant to be a very broad view.