I am scared...helplessly ****ing TERRIFIED

Of ANY KIND of obligation!

I dont ****ing believe i will realy DO IT or END IT or do it good enough fast enough.

It comes to the point when i am afraid to wash ****ing dishes!!
Where have you seen THAT?

My therapist would say "come on, you are not REALLY scared of it" and then - i would convince myself and somehow carry on - but it HAS come to the point that i COULDN`T CARRY ON - it all explowded with my final graduating project issue, and because of that i am doing it next year.

Hope to figure things out utill then.

So - i didn`t want to believe my pain and horror was SO BAD but it IS even worse than i know - i wouldnt be so terrified to face it if it wasnt.
All - wel first of all ME and then all those nice encouraging people - who will never know anyways what REALLY going on inside me - tell me it is not that bad and i can controll it.

**** THEM ALL

I am not controlling it - and you know what - i don`t want to try control it any more. It an illussion! a LIE. I answered one of my profs in a way that made them worry - i think its good! worry worry! you have somthing to worry about. you didnt BELIEVE ME *****es. i didnt know what to do to make them believe me. so i answered her encouragin email with begging terrified words like i FELT.

people DO need the healing time alone. dont they?
I know i CAN ...but not if i don`t believe / trust myself, my emoitons.
Dont you think its true?
well maybe i will imagine it is not an "obligation"..i dont have to wash dishes i WANT to wash dishes....****....anyways..sorry you ladies and gentlmen know me...

i really am a nice person just very blunt with my language. anyways the filter do their work

im sorry for your anguish, I dont know you, but Im scared to pick up my phone, and I cant leave my house, and I didnt go to my doc aptt. I need medical help & all my meds 7 I cant call or go in, I am 2 scared to get a shower. Im losing my mind, and I need help, but how can I get it, if I cant use the friggin phone? Ive been on benzos for 3 years now, about to run out, any day here a few days? I cant call to get more, Im scared about that. What do I do? I got on here & read ur post & it made me cry, cause u seem so upset, im so sorry, I wished I could help u. I wished I could help us all, why, why do we have to suffer??? its not right, Im breaking down in front of my sson who is a teenager and has been through hell, what am I to do??I dont want him to c me like this, but I cannot help myself, im a wreck. Everyone has told me also, just be positive, you can do it, they dont know what I am able to do or not, im angry too. I used to be able to keep it together, just bouncing around that fine line, but ive lost it, im only on here now cause my son went to play basketball, ( Ive been letting him use the PC) we dont have a TV it blew up during a rain storm. And we dont have anything to do, we r in hiding. I hope things get better 4 u, u seem like u deserve s break. hang in there.

First of all, I think both of you could use a hug, so . . .

Yeah, this is exactly what we both did.

thanks for the huggs

Thanks for understanding

(((((((((ladymacabethadmunsen)))))))))))) please know we care about you here
And you do matter and we believe you
Im so sorry you are going threw a hard time.
ppl do need healing time, most of all need to be believed
take care of you kind one

I'm sure your a nice person . I use terrible language also when I'm f***ing angry. I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Telling people how you REALLY feel. Don't let others tell you how you feel. You know how you feel. If they are uncomfortable with your feelings, that's their problem. I'd also try a new therapist who won't try to diminish your feelings when you tell him what you are really feeling.

Thank you all

You know? THIS is what i really need!! this is what i really want!

UNDERSTANDING

LOVE

CARE

some people i know think they are SO ****ING SMART they sometimes hold proffessors of themselves. They tell you:

"This is no big deal" "do this" "do that" "keep doing what you are doing" you are close to liberation" "spiritual awakening" "i think you should" "please dont make this up" "there is no personal you" blah blah blah



MATURE people understand - they do NOT need their ego to be supported by being my teacher, my parent, by worrying about me. i am really SICK of it. Yes you can give me advice but i guess that the hug thing and how NATURAL AND TURE AND HUMAN this forum is ! i AM interested in analysis and interpretation too..i think that there are ppl from whom i got too much of that.

My coucelor - we talked later and she told me she believed me.. She just says that my problem is a resolt of exaggerating the project and all. She is right. this is what i need help with. when the scars heal i come to her. i dont know if i want any one to know that i cut myself a little bit - since they will start to worry and its all B.S - it was all done to sign with blood something i wrote. to myself. because i needed to make it real. but i didnt do it out of self hatred like i susually hurt myself by byting etc. i did it for something ceremony thing fanstasy thing thins time. but i know some people may not understand it - i am just not afraid of it. i am not giving "it" power. i does not exist.