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#1
May 12, 2009, 01:17 AM
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omg omg omg I am so anxious lately. I have so much on my mind and I know for a fact no one understands all that I am dealing with. I dont know How much longer I can even survive like this. My therapist today told me I have to make my priorities. You know figure out what needs attention and just deal with that. Omg everything seems so important. How can I seperate what is important and what is not so important. I am trying to deal with all the crap, all the time and I feel like I am ready to pop. I am so hurt. and mad too. I am so mad that all this crap is in my face. and I am mad that I have to do so much to make other peoples life comfortable...Hell how even thinks about me and what I feel? My daughter, god I love her, but she wants me wtih her all the time...I worry for ther health and mental wel being. I worry about her relationship with her bf. I worry about her baby , and his health...I help her clean, I help her by watching the baby, and I help her by doing laundry for her. I leave my own house undone. My husband does the work, and I know he is upset about it. It feels like I am being mauled. he gets angry, I can see it in her eyes and hear it in his tone...she gets mad too if I dont be with her. my mother inlaw wants me to do paper work for her all the time...and I am a oncall errand person, secretary...whatever.... My son is driving me nuts, has been...Hes not been easy to deal with. abusive at times in the past...verbally abusive even now. No one takes how that makes me feel serious....they say, oh thats how he is...dont take it to heart...but it hurts. they youngest son is changing too...he is so angry lately too. I cant even talk to him without him jumping down my throat. money is tight... we are filing bankrupsy...that sucks. I am supposed to have weight loss surgury. It was going well, but they say I have to lose 17 lbs. I binge eat...I guess I am filling that empyt void. I kindof gave up. Ive been giving up a lot. the dog bit my neice...she was hurt.. omg me and my husband fought over it. I thought it was going to end our marriage really. omg Im so stressed. I am in so much pain. My legs and hips hurt so bad. arthritis in all my joints and a pinched nerve. I never get good sleep. I toss and turn in pain. I cant walk good. It hurts so much. I am behind in everything. I am even fighting with my rep payee. I hung up on her today. thats not like me...but I am so angry too. I dont know what to do. I got to tell u, I did feel like ending it all but Im still here. wow Im must be really nuts. I am just going on and on. I gotta stop now and chill. I should try to sleep its late. I never get good rest. and I am so tired all over, in my neck, my eyes...everything. I am lonely too. I need a hug. I want a hug so bad. I wish someone would just hol me and tell me its ok, and that I am a good person. I grew up in that violent alcoholic family of mine. it ruined me. I am so mad about that too. I am shot. Im tired. God help me
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#2
May 12, 2009, 03:46 AM
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* holdling you in a gentle hug* ITS O.K
 believe me It is NATURAL. You are very strong to deal untill now. You are phisycally ill, you are metally hurting..but you HAVE BEING doing ALL OF THAT. I think that your daughter, husband, sons, and otheres HAVE TO REALIZE that they CAN make it without you! They really do! believe me. I have been doing The Artsts Way for all this year and i know this is not about art but its about LIFE: We think we should be "good" to otheres. we sometimes are bad to ourselves..."if such deprivation continues, we eventually become like concerned animals, snarling at our family and friends to leave us alone and stop making unreasonable demands. We are the ones who are making unreasonable demands. We expect ourselves to function without having what we needin order to do so.We requier the healing of time alone.....we may keep going through the act of continieing our lives..we even may continue functioning - but we are leaching blood from ourselves. There are powerful payoffs to be found in staying stuck and deferring nurturing your sense of self. For many people, the the belief that they must be nice, and worry about what will happen to their friends, family, mate if they dare to do what they really want to do constitutes a powerful reason for none action...." In your post i don`t see that you mention anybody from your family understanding and supporting you! You are going to have a surgury, you have arthritis, you have enxiety. Why does your family demand that you clean stay with them ever? if my mother had anything like that i would do EVERYTHING in the house! Why cant your husband help your daughter with her baby and house? From what i see you need to relax, you need rest, you need care..and all you get is their selfish demands after you sacrifice...but...i am sorry to add to your worries... Dont you feel that you cannot take it any longer? If you do - you are not going insane - you are going SANE! Wake up! to be YOUR NATURAL SELF! Our natural self is screaming, angry with everything - because we cant live a life in a trap! If you are angry - LET IS OUT in private...go nuts...let yourself...it is relieving ..you have all the rights to be angry. If you let it out and not repress it you will be able to be nicer to othres. What i write of course- comes from my personal experience, thats why i write this way... i felt the same way with my college project. If we dont do what we think we "have to" nothing happenes. we may meet with some dissaproval - but - afterwards its worth it! afeterwards we can come back to fuction normaly and even better!  I am not encouraging self pity - but i do encourage self love, facing the truth and giving yourself a place to be. There is a place to serve otheres - but we are the source of our actions, the wource needs refilling. huggs and prayers. 
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#3
May 12, 2009, 09:41 AM
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BigBear, it sounds like you are trying to please everyone? What awful thing will happen if you don't please everyone? I am sorry that everything is so distressing right now.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#4
May 12, 2009, 02:44 PM
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Quote:
You are not here to please the world, you are here to LIVE 
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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