Help

It takes me at least 5 of rewriting to post any message I usually give up on about 60% of them... and it's just the internet... I've always been socially retarded... but i used to be able to function and most people didn't even have a clue I had any problems.
Now I can't even go to pay a bill without major panic attack. So I stay inside.
This year I've moved back in with my family and I try to put on a happy face whenever I leave my room.They know something is wrong and are trying to help me but I just can't open up to them. I panic at the thought of sounding weird to them even though they are supportive parents.
I've been to therapy this summer. Six or eight sessions I'm not sure(I also have trouble remembering stuff). She kind of broke my functioning pattern by showing me there was something more I could aspire to. That I could live without this fear.
Now I can not afford any help since we are doing bad money wise. I can not get a normal job since I am not able to leave the house and even online interaction makes me panic. These last few months have been hell. I moved, my friends moved and somehow now I don't have anyone to hang out with. We do talk online but I used to like going out a lot. I still do but I'm to scared for new friends. I don't think I even know where to start.
I do have other issues but this seems the biggest one right now. I have no idea what to do.
I need advice

That's me in a nut shell(pun intended).

Ps: It took half an hour to get the courage to post this...

((((((((((( lhmt ))))))))))))))))))))))

Have you tried looking for a therapist that charges on a sliding scale? It's based on your income and you might be more able to afford it.
For me what has worked on lowering my social anxiety is to challenge it by getting out more even though it's uncomfortable, my social anxiety is not cured but it's a lot better then it was. Also posting on this site has helped me a lot too, it's a safe place to find friends.

lhmt, im so glad you did get the courage to post. I have a lot of the same problems with going out in public. i stay inside alot and i am new to this site. i just signed up today so i really don't know what im doing. i am not currently medicated other that xanax. im too afraid to talk about all these situation.s

do you see any pdoc? how do you manage on really bad days? i hope to learn someday

My anxiety is really bad too if I don't have the meds. You could go to a regular Dr. and get a script from them for the panic attacks. You shouldn't feel ashamed with panic attacks, it's really common. I take paxil for mine, and for the most part it's gone. Sometimes my anxiety will bother me, but I haven't went back into a full blown panic attack since the meds.

Well I live in a country where these kind of issues aren't supported by the state in any way. And there are no therapists with any payment plans like the one you said. It's actually quite expensive to get help.
Also I have never used any medication. And I'm hoping that maybe I won't have too.
About what you said regarding going out more often. My problem is that my panic attacks have increased every year. Regardless of how often I have gone out. The last one was actually the reason I decided to join this site, because it was the worst ever and it really freaked me out.
I think that the fact that I've quit smoking (after doing it for 10 years), trying to control my eating habits(I have an eating disorder too) also "helped" my anxiety to increase.

I'm new and confused too .
I don't know what a pdoc is.
Now about bad days. I usually tune out of reality as much as I can. I always carry an mp3 player. That shuts out all the people noises(I do have the fear that people are talking about or laughing at me whenever I hear whispers or laughter when I'm outside). And when I panic I concentrate on the songs as much as I can. Or try to make myself cry. I know that it sounds weird, but I have never been able to cry in public. It's even hard to cry in front of family or friends. So by trying to do something that is almost impossible I kind of zoom out of the aggressive environment. That does get me into awkward situations, cause I tend not to see people around me. And zooming back in is like abruptly waking up and I'm disoriented and confused.
And when the "ordeal" of being outside and exposed end I usually burry myself in some silly computer game that makes me forget I am alive.
And on the worst of days I just break down. I kind of give up on everything. Lay on the floor and cry. I don't think I manage this at all. It just hurts and hurts till I get numb. On those kind of days there's nothing to take my mind off it. And there's nothing I can do to make it go away. I just take it I guess. But that's just pain.
I think fear is worse. I do find that writing helps me a lot. I have been writing poems since I was a child. I guess I could say how I felt in some cryptic manner and everyone liked it cause they were poems but no one realized what emotions were hidden behind them. Now after going to therapy I have started writing a journal. I just write whatever comes to mind. Even just writing random words calms me down a little.
Oh and I don't take any medication at all.

So there you have it. I think it helped me a little to write this down. I think it's the most honest I have been I a while about myself. Maybe it can help you too somehow.

Here regular doctors don't really prescribe that kind of stuff. And there are no good specialist either. There is no way I can get help or meds without any serious cash.
I grew in a word where these kinds of disorders are labeled as insane, and most people wouldn't admit it if they were seeing a therapist. I do know that I shouldn't be ashamed to talk about his things but I just can't help the panic that I've lived with for all my life.

THANK YOU FOR POSTING - I really needed to hear what you had to say and I am so in awe for you for writing and being that honest. I wish more often than not that I could compose the thoughts when I am in panic and have the courage to let other people know what is going on.

You are taking huge steps to getting better and asking for help. Getting out of the house is a tough one. You are not alone - there are days when the best I can do is take medicine and rock myself in my bad b/c leaving the house is too overwhelming.

As other people have said - finding meds was really helpful for me. They did not take away the panic but when I take them regularly they help calm me down so I don't go into full blown panic. Today I did and I am very lucky I had a therapist that picked up the phone and stayed with me for an hour.

There are a lot of dr.'s - therapists out there that will help you on a sliding scale and there i'm sure if you need meds there is insurance available that will help - step by step. It takes time - believe me...but maybe together we can help each other out.

It's scary but you've got people here who care and understand...so keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

You are not alone...

Hi, I just found this online community tonight. I am new to this and am like you a lot. Not sure what else to say. Just that I can't take much more of feeling so nervous and full of dread and worry.

Wow! And again wow! No, not World of Worcraft but rather "I can't believe the responses I am getting!!!"

When I posted the first time I was so afraid I though I was going to die. I don't know what I was hoping to get out of this. Maybe some advice. Or some sort of revelation. Like a button I could push to make everything ok. And there was no magic button. But the fact that I can write about this (I am actually starting to enjoy it) and receive positive feedback it's just amazing. And the fact that all this "complaining" could help someone else to relate or to start opening up, that's just out of this world.

I did go out today. Short walk to a nearby store. Loads of panic, sweating, dizziness. Numbness in my limbs. I hated myself for being this weak. All the normal stuff . Music doesn't help as much either. All I was thinking was that I want to be back in my room. I try to breathe slowly or relax or stop giving a damn about what people think of me but it doesn't work. I was so tired when I got back and I had been so tense than my legs hurt even though it was a really short walk. Although it seemed like forever to me.

Still I'm glad I went out. It did take some determination to leave in the first place. But I thought about what gimmeice said. And I can't just sit here forever. It's horrible to be out there, but I guess I have no other choice.

(My parents can't read English. Right now while I am writing this my mom is trying out outfits for a wedding she's going to. My room door is open and she comes in and out to ask for my opinion. And I have a big nice smile on my face. Although I feel like crap. I really hate this. I don't know why I can't show all this pain. Everybody loves me. They would do anything for me. I do tell them sometimes that I am not ok but not with the honesty I write here. )

Like I said before there is no insurance plan or any other kind of stuff in my country that could help me get professional help. So I would like to ask anyone that has gone to a therapist to post here any exercises they do. Like the "homework" mine gave me when I saw her. I haven't got the courage to do it yet(I don't know why it freaks me out so much) but hopefully I will soon.

Here's the exercise. You take someone you trust. And go somewhere you feel comfortable (like your house). You close your eyes and ask them to take your hands and guide you through out the room/house/garden/whatever. And you do that for 5 or 10 minutes. The therapist tried it with me waking me and spinning me around her office. It was horrible . I felt so out of control and scared. But she said that the point of this is to realize that loosing control doesn't mean that something bad would happen.

Thank you so much to every single one of you. I do like to write but when it comes to expressing how much this means to me I am kind of speechless. Everything everyone said helped. I guess it shows as my posts seem to get longer and longer . So thank you again.

A PDOC is a psychiatrist. I think that you should ask your therapist how you could go about getting help eith meds. My PDOC told me when I was adjusting to my meds to do breathing excercises. You take 5 deep breaths in counting to 5 and exhale counting to 5. Going out in the sun for a little bit each day increases the serotonin in your brain. Also a good cardio workout helps. If you need to talk about it to help you feel better then keep talking about it. You know it is really sad that people sterotype others when they need meds to feel better. My worst critics have been my mom's side of the family, but now I'm learning that they have contributed to my anxiety. My PDOC told me that when someone has a disorder it usual goes back to other family members. When I look at my family now I can see it. The difference between my family, and I, is that I would rather know what is wrong with me instead of feeling miserable.

I don't care if it took you 90 tries before publishing, you did a great job and expressed yourself very well. Took a look at your profile because I wondered how old you are. I know it's a personal question, but it helps me put together a composite in terms of offering ideas, etc. If you don't want your age published just send me a private message. In spite of how you feel about yourself you presented yourself well.

So helo again. Now I feel like hell once more. I did feel better after joining this site for a few days. It was so great to find people who understood this and didn't judge me. Now I'm back to square one. Panic, panic, panic. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I wouldn't torture myself like this. Omg what are they going to think when they read this. Omg are they going to write back? What if they don't? and so on.
I don't even know any of you and I am so concerned with what you might think of me.

Now I decided to break another "safety boundary" of mine. Chandlerwhite asked for my age. I'm 25. I know it's stupid to be afraid of this. It's not like you can guess my social security number or something like that form my age. But it still scares me. I feel like a kid scared of the boogie man, even though I know it's just a figment of my imagination. (EDIT: I'm such a spaz. And every post freaks me out so much that I even forgot I gave my age in the first one I made here. )

Thanks to jerrymichelle for this: "Going out in the sun for a little bit each day increases the serotonin in your brain." I'm gonna try to do it. I just wish the sun wasn't outside

First of all, thanks for trusting enough to give your age. And I might add you have so many great years ahead of you. I'm almost 55 and though I had my first attack of derealization when I was 9, my disorder really kicked in when I was only a few years younger than you. Of course, back then there weren't the resources there are now (though I know you still have problems with resources). I wish I had the heads-up on what I was experiencing as you seem to have now. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 34. Lots of panic, cigs, alcohol along the way. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is I'm here and panic, agora, dereal, etc. aren't. And if I can pull it off, so can you. That's called hope, and though it doesn't provide all of the answers just now, I'll guarantee it's the best place to start. Everything else can come forth after you simply believe you'll become whatever it is you'd like. I cannot be convinced otherwise!

Thanks for hope. I do so need hope right now. Sometimes I feel like such a failure for wasting so much time without even realizing there was something more. Have you had the same issues? Do you regret the years lived in fear and in destructive behavior? Are you happy with yourself? All of you? Or at least most of you ?
I am so afraid of hope and I do crave it so much.