[chigirl8]

I used to come to this site a lot for depression. It helped, and then I felt better. I climbed out of my hole, but here I am again, back at square one. Been digging this hole, and falling in and climbing out for about 8 years now. I think I am depressed, but I think it has to do with being a very shy person my whole life. As I get older, I get more isolated, bored, and lonely. I don't feel like I'm living, and I often wonder what is the point of being here. Although, since I can't leave, I feel trapped in hell. It doesn't help to live with an alcoholic mother with undiagnosed mental issues either. I feel like such a failure, and a burden. I keep quitting everything, and I'm not sure why. I figure it's fear, but now I just have no interest in anything. I read a whole book yesterday on Social Anxiety and Painful Shyness. I know I need to see someone, but that costs money which I don't have because I keep quitting jobs. I had a job I was comfortable with for 4 years. I quit there before, and they took me back. While I was there, I kept thinking I could do something better, so I went back to school. Stayed with that for 8 months, and just recently quit. I was crying in class because I guess I felt I didn't like the career I was going for, and which I've been trying to do for about 8 years. I'm so confused, and my mind seems to be clouded with fear, that I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. I read that people with social anxiety or painful shyness often have difficulties with working, and accomplishing anything really. Does anyone else experience this? I am very shy, but I seem to manage being around people by going into my own little world when I'm out and about. That doesn't feel great either, it's like I'm only glimpsing at the world, and I have to really concentrate to "see" things. Almost like I'm dreaming all the time. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't know how much longer I can take being dependent on someone who makes everything worse. Well, thanks for listening.

Hello, chigirl. My state has a number of programs available to indigents. I expect yours does too.

My suggestion is to go to your state government's website to see what you may find. Even better, you should be able to find a number for information. Ask to be directed to someone who may inform you of what assistance is available to you under your circumstances.

What you have described is not the way you want to spend the rest of your life. Sometimes, even when very difficult, we must focus on what we can do and do it.

Please make the call. Good luck.

[Pomegranate]

First off, try going to some alanon meetings. You don't have to say anything at the meetings until you feel comfortable, or not ever if you don't want to. So don't put pressure on yourself. Most people at those meetings will understand.

Call your local mental health clinic that charges on a sliding scale. It will be months before you get an appointment but take it and go when your appointment day finally arrives. They may be of much more help to you than you can imagine. Don't give up just because you'll need patience to wait for your first appointment.

Make a plan that is do-able for you to start saving money with the goal of eventually moving out of your mother's home. Collect cans for recycling, save a bit of the money your mother gives you to go shopping, work at a part time job that you feel you might enjoy or at least be able to do for awhile. Or work a series of part or full time jobs to save some money. Don't worry about a career right now - you may be putting too much stress on yourself. Right now you need help, you need some money to pay for that help and you need to get away from your mother.

Find out what you enjoy doing and do it! Even if it is all stuff you do by yourself like reading, talking to friends online, taking walks, watching tv, whatever. You deserve time to just enjoy yourself and relax. Do that for at least an hour every day.

Don't judge yourself by who you think you "should" be. Be who you are and try to learn to like and accept yourself. I have a very limited social circle - my husband, a few neighbors I talk to, my two grrrls (doggies) and very occasionally a family member and my wonderful friends here on PC. I don't have a career. I spend most of my time alone. But this is the best I can do for myself and I accept that and I'm content with that today.

I don't see myself as a loser. I'm a winner because I see myself as a winner; I can keep myself relatively physically and mentally healthy; I live life content on my terms and not based on what TV or "other people" tell me I "should" be doing to be "happy" or "worthwhile;" and I am comfortable in my own skin. Keep trying, keep looking, keep asking for help, if you do you will find your own way and you will be okay.