[Shaymus]

How does one stop worrying about what others think of them? My therapist tells me not to care, i dont want to care yet i do. Is it self esteem? Is it living a life you are proud of? Things would be so much easier if there was a switch you could just turn off.

Also they say not to mind read. Part of being human i think is reading body language, facial expressions and the such. If you take everything at face value you would be in big trouble as sarcasm can only be read thru tone inflection and what not. The other day i was sitting in my car and a guy looked right at me, turned his head back forward and started laughing. I mean how can that be interpreted any other way than negatively?

one way to look at what happened is this: he could have been listening to his radio and heard something that made him laugh. xoxo pat

or, he could have been laughing at something that he thought of..i do that a lot. and people look at me askance.........

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((shay))))))))))))))))

We all think and feel like this. I try to tell myself that what others think doesnt matter. If truth be told, it does. We want everyone to perceive us as in control, confident, smart, and all around good. The problem is, if we dont beleive it or feel it with in ourself then how can we expect others to feel it and see it. I do beleive that it is self esteem. I also beleive it has a great deal to do with anxiety. As a panic disorder sufferer, I also worry about "freaking out" and having people laugh at me. Truth is, I have "freaked out" in front of people. They did not laugh. They were comforting and caring and that is something I didnt expect. Dont under estimate people. As much as we would like to beleive that they are mean and horrible, people actually do care.

You would probably be surprised to learn that all people walk around in life with insecurities. Everyone.

I think no matter how hard you try, we will always be concerned with what others think and feel about it. I think it's natural. I think the propblem is the extent to which we let it bother us. That is the key. I think so anyway.

[CedarS]

Some things I do so as to not interpret events like that negatively, so I don't use it personally against myself:

I say things to myself like "That is *his* experience -over there-, I am -over here-, some distance away, in my own experience."

"The person is doing whatever about what he *thinks* he sees, he doesn't know me at all, he doesn't see me truly."

"Don't sweat the small stuff."

"I'm not gonna let him rent room in my head, I have more important things to think about."

"I did not ask him to judge me, so his opinion isn't valid, isn't important. I have boundaries. Unless something really unsafe is going on, I move on, I return focus to what I am doing."

"Huh. He's probably had that done to him before, too bad we humans just are bastards to each other sometimes. Oh well. Sometimes we are not. Now, what was I gonna do?"

For me, yes, I do sometimes care, yes, I am human, things get to me sometimes. And yes, it is important to be able to read some cues, body language, to pay attention to what is going on around us. -And- there also is going to be a lot of nonsense at times that I gotta just wade through. It's like static, time to move on, change channels. Some things simply aren't that important and I get to choose what to focus on. If I overly focus on the jerk laughing at me, I'm letting him poison my day. He does not have the right to do that. And besides, I don't want to miss out on the sight of those beautiful tulips over there.

[Lauren1214]

Have you read "Feeling Good," by Burns? It helped me a lot with the kinds of concerns you mention. A LOT. You learn how to think less emotionally and how distorted your thoughts are when you're always worrying about others' judgments about you. It takes practice, but it works! Take care--Lauren.

[CedarS]

[(JD)]

Good therapy for this is called Cognitve Behavior Therapy. There are 10 main cognitive distortions that if we work to correct, will prevent just what you are dealing with. I am working on several of them myself. (((Shay)))

[Shaymus]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I will definately check out the book, at a different site someone told me to get a book of his as well for a different issue(anger). I noticed he has two books with similar names. Feeling Good and Feeling Good Handbook. Are there numerous differences in the two or is it alright if i just get one?

The one thing i dont like about CBT is that it sounds a lot like brain washing more than fixing the actual things that make ya feel down. I suppose whatever works is good, i just worry about things like that.

[(JD)]

Oh dear. (((Shaymus))) I had weeks of "arguing" with my T about that very idea: brainwashing...even to the point of fearing he had succeeded if I did finally agree to his view... but, trust me? It isn't brainwashing... you decide to try thinking this way... you can always come back to (what turns out to be an unhealthy )way.