[Butterfly_Faerie]

but I did it.

Don't know what i'm talking about obviously.
Picked up a job application at homesense/winners here.
Saw the hire on one of those big black advertizing boards...
When I saw it, instant anxiety. I thought to myself I should go in and get a job application, considering this is where I told people i've wanted to work.
They are finally hiring, now will I actually go in an apply?

I went to Walmart, and shopped around for an hour, bought a couple things, forgetting about that place...

Ack, my stomache is nauseated now. I was going to avoid the place all together, I was going to walk on the opposite side to pass the plaza and then cross at the lights further down the street, just so I wasn't on the same side. Crazy huh...

I did cross over to the other plaza though and walked into the store, looked at a tank for 2 seconds. Then walked to costumer service, saw a worker there by the counter, and asked if I could grab a couple application forms from her. She raised her voice to her co-worker and she got me a couple.

I'm home now and feeling sick. Wasn't even aware they they were hiring, had no intention of getting a form, but I did.

What got me going was the self-talk stuff. When I saw the sign, instant anxiety for me. When I was crossing the street opposite Winners to go to the other plaza where the Walmart was located I kept saying to myself, shop around, if you want to go into the store you can. Take it a step at a time. Even if you do go in and not get the form it's ok. Maybe M will go for you when he gets home from work...I looked across at the parking lot as I was walking by and saw alot of cars, I was going to make up my mind then and there, but didn't. I said to myself if the customer service desks were crowded with people I wasn't going to get one. Hell I didn't even want to be there.

But I did it, feel relieved a bit, as it takes alot to even ask. I backed out of getting one at Walmart a long time ago because I panicked when with my BF.

I don't know if I'm able to do the rest.
I wish I didn't have so much job anxiety, it sucks.
I wish I could pat myself on the back, and tell myself that I did a fantastic job, I wouldn't have thought to do that a couple months ago, but I can't pat myself on the back.

I should be jumping for joy, but instead I feel sick.

What is wrong with me?

[seeker1950]

Hi, I can identify with your feelings of anxiety, and the self-talk, second-guessing, dear girl. What kind of place is it that you are considering for employment? Homesense? I just know they would be very lucky to have you as an employee. We "anxious" types make very conscientious employees, and from my long experience in my work, having been initially very anxious about it, that I DID learn to relax and enjoy it, and you will too! Go for it!!
Peaceful thoughts,
Seeker

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Thanks Seeker.

Homesense is owned by Winners.
It's a house assecories store kitchenware, rugs, frames, bathroom stuff etc, they are attached...

I haven't had a job in over 2 year, even 3...

the longer i wait the harder it is to put one foot in front of another...

[seeker1950]

Gosh, I can certainly identify. It sounds like a fun and pleasant work environment, and I bet you'd really enjoy it!
I went back to work after my daughter was nearly grown, into my field of teaching, and had severe anxiety when presenting myself and working as a substitute until I was hired full-time. My insecureties made me "overly" conscientious at first, but eventually I learned to relax and go with the flow. It's no big deal, ya know, and one shouldn't feel so anxious. It took me a long time to understand that.
I hope you will turn in your application, go to the interview with bright and shining confidence, holding your head high as you show them what a wonderful employee you will be.
Good thoughts,
Seeker