can't take this

They said that he would have to injure the children, or drive drunk and get in an accident or do something really really awful for me to get full custody.

I am really considering going back to my ex. I have to. there's no other option- it was familiar and he has changed a bit.

Faery, I agree with the others, putting yourself back into an abusive relationship will definately not be any good for you or the kids. It might be a comfort zone as you are used to it, but that sort of comfort zone is definately not one that will be healthy for you.

Sometimes it is by getting out of our comfort zones that we are truly able to begin to grow, so long as you do it with the right mindset. Maybe the time you find that you have nothing to do you could put in time to building strong positive affirmations and using them regularly, this should help a lot for you to start getting into a positive mindset.

Why not spend some time trying new positive guided meditations to help ease the anxiety and panic, I truly believe that the moment you are able to get into a more positive mindset, the easier it will become for you to focus on the problems at hand in a far more effective and beneficial way.

All the strength to you and you are in my prayers.

so terrified and hopeless

i can't do this life

no one understands

i can't handle aging and dying

feary

why do you think you are the only one to suffer with fear, anxiety obssession aging and death?

You are not the only one and most of us go through, or have been through these exact same things.

There comes a time when you reach rock bottom that you need to make a decision..."Am I going to be a bottom feeder and never allow any light into my life OR am I going to take steps to prove I am GOOD to have my children and provide them with a happy as normal as can be homelife for what ever time they are with me?"

We go through the fear and worry and panic too but at sometime comes choice. I will support you in positive changes but I will not enable destructive thinking

RHiannon

It just feels right to be with my ex husband again

Whenever we are with the kids together then the kids are happier, and I feel so normal, all my anxiety and fears and insecurities and low self-esteem everything goes away and life seem brighter and I feel happier

Like tonight, he was over today for dinner with the kids and last week I went to his place when he had the kids and it felt great the four of us.

per our couple's counselor's advice
it felt like a normal family and I believe he has changed since he was forced to give up marijuana and drinking thru strict court order with regular tests which all came back normal

and he was forced to take a 6 month anger management course

the kids seem to get along with him and are attached to him and he take genuine good care and loves them

just feeling so awful and hopeless and afraid and alone and overwhelmed

Sorry, feary, I wish there was something I could say or do to help.

thank you.

I feel even worse and more hopeless.

My therapist told me that in her 35 years I am the only person who has tried the least to get better because I reject medication, reject suggestions to help me and now she wants to put me in the hospital

And she is right but if she could even feel 1/4 of the horror, terror, hopelessness, depression, worry, struggle I feel, maybe she would understand

and I do try A LOT

if she could see how terrifying it is for me to do simple things others take for granted like brush my teeth, take a shower and eat, that I have to think about everything I do whereas others it just comes naturally, or the horrific feelings and images and thoughts every second I get about bad things that can happen to me and my family, and how extremely ALONE I am, how agonizing it is for me missing my past and how I used to be and how easily I used to do things, how terrified I feel raising two kids and how I feel so incompetent, how threatened and unsafe and insecure I feel each second, how the future terrifies me

I hope inpatient benefits you.

She can't feel what you feel because she is a separate person. But her experience and her caring about your well-being allow her to fully understand the intensity of your feelings when you tell her about them.

Has she said how being in the hospital will help with your fear of the future and of aging?

dont be feary...
I feel horrible and scared about myself too. I have become socially isolated from work burnout and mistrust people now... I just want to hide away.
But I have good sons and country friends....they told me to go horse riding again.....get back to what I loved once. I have afrozen shoulder and seized back muscles BUT
I took the plunge and just went and did it! I realised there is more in life still. It made me feel better. Alive.

If you can...be brave and do something you did or always wanted to do as a child that would make you happy. When you have done it , you will find the child within again and love yourself for achieving. You will change your name from feary to fiery!
Lots a love

feary, I've been reading your recent posts and feel you are on the threshold of change. Whatever you do, keep the appt. for your physical exam. I feel once that is over with you will make better decisions regarding your future. I have always feared dr. appts, but always glad I went. Knowledge is power. Not knowing is worse than going.

I am so extremely utterly completely devastated and sad and it hurts painfully deep that I am missing out on my children's childhoods because of this ocd. I get such unbearable horrific thoughts in my mind that terrify me about the future and life in general.

How do I do anything when I feel impending doom every second.

I feel incapacitated

My psychiatrist went on a vacation for a week and I have to wait until she gets back to figure out the next step. Doesn't anyone understand that it is another day that goes wasted

Feary, I experience some anxiety in doing routine, mundane stuff too. Here is what I think.

Your first gut reaction when you experience painful emotion like anxiety is to brush it off like an unwelcome pest in your life which is bent on destroying your peace of mind. But don't do that. Because that anxious feeling is telling you (that is, your inner child is telling you) to pay attention to what can go wrong and what can hurt you later. Now, you would say what can possibly wrong while brushing your teeth? And why are you feeling these painful emotions. This is because chances are making mistakes is NOT OK for you, possibly because of your parents were perfectionist as far as you were concerned (at least this is the case for me). So, chances are that you have inbibed that cruel attitude and you berate yourself over any mistake you make. That is why your inner child is very afraid and she is trying to tell you to avoid that mistake.

So, you can do two things:
1. We did not receive unconditional love during childhood. But now we can reparent ourselves - promise your inner child that any mistake she commits is OK for you. You will not emotionally abuse her (just like our parents did to us) over any mistake, start loving her and comfort her even if she makes thousands such mistakes.

2. Ask your inner child what mistake you could make while brushing your teeth or whatever. You will come up some answer like say you will forget to cap your toothpaste back or whatever. So, basically understand specifically what mistakes you could make and then try to avoid them. When you repeat the same actions without committing mistakes, you will form a new correct habit and the anxiety will go away gradually. But remember the first point, it's OK to make as many mistakes as possible!

take care

((((feary))))

You know you are not the only one to suffer through this. Many have and many do. And to reject medication and all other suggestions is really not the ideal thing to do if you do want to get better, to any degree at all.

You should be an inpatient because you have rejected everything else and the doctor is running out of options for you. I'm sure thats not what you want.

I have ocd but its now to a managable level but at one point I couldn't put my hands in water even with gloves on, especially with gloves on because I am allergic to latex and I get a nasty reaction to it.

But I've gone from being the way you are to being semi functioning. I now have to clean down every surface I touch with alcohol wipes and do a few other little rituals but I have managed to come from being a whiny "if I breathe I'll die" to a "Ok lets tackle this as best possible".

You can do it too feary you really can....it's not all ocd it's the depression, anxiety and panic too...if you stand up and try you will change things for the better. Don't tell me I don't know how it feels because I do. And the fear of death had me paralyzed...until I actually did die and experienced it...not afraid of it at all now...

Hoping for you!

(((((Feary)))))
I hope you make the choice for inpatient treatment where you can have round the clock help for all that you are feeling with professional care.

I am just completely terrified. there's no way out. I'll never have a day of peace where I can think, "Ah, I am safe today"

It's impossible to live when you feel in danger of something bad happening every second

living in panic each second

I have two of the most unbelievably amazing wonderful children but I am CONSUMED by worry

I just want to trust and accept that everything will be fine

I feel so suffocated and choked like a prisoner

((((feary))))

You need a good therapist feary and soon. We all fight these monsters and we all have good and not so good days.

It's time for you to put your foot down and be strong with yourself and say "I Wont have this any more!"

Don't give in to every thought push it back and do it with the knowledge that you can feel even the smallest bit better, which is better than the way you feel at the moment

Wishing you strength and energy to overcome these emotions Feary. May the light unfold and envelope you in her awesomeness. Hope its better soon.

I have NO ONE to turn to

I am failing my kids

I went to the doctor and he told me I have low vitamin d, low hemoglobin, high cholesterol and I hurt my knee and they found osteoarthritis

I never had health issues before. I can't handle this.

I can't handle anything

I can't take care of myself because of my fears so I can't help myself

I don't have the energy or strength to take care of or play with my kids

I am tired all the time and feel overwhelmed and terrified

I try so hard trust me I do , my CBT therapist is amazed but this terror is too much

It's good that you are expressing yourself. But you do realize that your ultimate aim should be not to prove to yourself or anybody else that you are completely helpless, but to learn the skills so that you can deal with issues in life and maybe enjoy the life.