[Hippie]

I got all sad and anxious when an acquaintance asked me if I had "forgiven" the people who abused me.
These people would still verbally attack me if I let them but I don't and I have not forgiven them for the physical hurt, the mental hurt.
I wish people wouldn't ask me that. It just makes me think about the past and makes me upset. How can anyone forgive? Am I wrong? I don't know. It just has me thinking maybe that's the magic thing to do. I just don't know how to do it when it makes me so sad.

[perpetuallysad]

Well, my pdoc has talked to me about forgiveness (he's also my T) and my sister has rubbed her angelic ability for forgiveness in my face (nope, I'm not bitter). I cannot forgive some things. My abusers are number one on the 'not getting my forgiveness' list. I know it's probably not the healthy, good, caring thing to do, but as with you, my abusers (esp. my mother) would continue to abuse me today if I allowed her contact with my life. Also, I try desperately to repress my past abuse, mostly I keep the things that happened to myself. I have found that I have really, really bad, scary, terrifying dreams most nights about my past abuse and having it bleed into my now life. I don't know where I am going but I don't think you are wrong. I completely support your decision NOT to forgive.

[buttrfli42481]

I, too, am struggling with forgiving my abuser. In a book I am reading, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, it says "To forgive someone means to let them off the hook, or to cancel a debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to him forever. If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This 'ties' him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free." (pp 178-179)
My abuser would still be doing the very thing if I was still with him. I just cannot find it in me to forgive him. I don't think he should be let off the hook. He needs to be punished for what he did. Being a Christian, makes this very difficult for me. I know that it is not my job to punish him, it is God's. I know he will get his just reward, but there is the part of me that wants him to suffer like I did for all those years. How can one really forgive an abuser?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hippie, ps, buttrfli,

I realise this may sound confronting but it is true, and I swear that on my grandsons life...

I found out years ago that to forgive was to free myself. I forgave the people NOT their actions. And I will never forgive the actions. I will defend your right not to forgive because I care about what happened to you and how bad it makes you feel.

God is love, not a man sitting on a throne who will cast an abuser into the pit of hell...WE LIVE HELL! I've died and come back and I can tell you that people will want to know how they got it so wrong. When I died I watched others crossing over they were literally shaking their head and saying "WOW!!!" (yes we still have heads)

But I learned there that if I wanted to be free of the anger and pain, then freedom would come with forgiveness of the people not what they did. When I was there I was in a state that I had never felt before and have only felt once since (when I died the 2nd time). And the freedom I felt was so delicious so comforting that I didn't want to return to the feelings I had before.

It is a personal thing and I certainly don't judge anyone for not forgiving; I understand not forgiving, I lived with it for a long time so I know how it feels and how it burns in the craw. But I didn't want to burn any more I was wasting my life on that pain...while ever I was feeling that, those men who abused me so horribly still had control of my life and mind. I wanted that back so I took it back...that was my triumph, my story.

I still fight those men every night in my dreams, and my poor partner is so bruised from me punching out now that I am grown up and able to fight...but it doesn't rule my waking life and I found happiness.

This is my story as I said and I certainly don't expect others to do as I did. I just wanted to share my story of forgiveness with you and tell you how it freed me.

I wish only for you that which you wish for yourself,

((((((((hugs to you all))))))))