[feary]

i just want to die. I can't handle knowing I am aging and dying in everything I do.

nothing and no one helps.

there's no hope

i can't do this

(((((((feary)))))))
I don't have any advice for you...just wanting you to know that I am here and care. Sending you many hugs and hoping that this will pass.

[lynn P.]

(((feary))) - take some slow deep breaths. Every living creature is aging and one day will die - a normal part of life. If you want to age slower you can do this by taking care of your body and mind. You could live to 100+ so you don't want to waste it worrying. I hope this makes sense and I pray you will enjoy living.

[Rose3]

find things to enjoy; find interests; read Anthony Storr
Yes, each one will age and eventually die. So decide how you wish to use your time and mind.

[Maven]

I understand worrying about this. It crosses my mind more than I'd like. I want to focus on living and enjoying my life, but because of my disorders, I have negative thoughts a lot.

[feary]

yes but I cannot stop this obsessive thinking, fear, worry, sadness about aging and dying and it affects everything i do and I can't do anything about it

I can't escape it

[Hippie]

Feary, when's the last time you saw your therapist? You sound so overwhelmed that you need to get that help. Know that you are in my thoughts and I send you good wishes to have the strength to call for the appointment.

[muncie]

You are afraid of death and dying yet you want to die? The minute we are born we are beginning this process, it's built in. None of us can escape. We own nothing in this life. Everything we have is temporary, loved ones, possessions, even our bodies and minds are loaned to us. The only sense I can make of it is we are here to learn. For what reason and what lies beyond, I have no clue.

Have you ever zeroed in with your T. on the specifics of your fear? Is it with aging a loss of good looks, a lengthy illiness and loss of independence, or something else. It must be one specific component more than the others. Could it be a fear of not regaining the lifestyle you had with marriage. Through complete honesty with your T. it seems like you could get more clarity instead of generalizations regarding death and dying. We all stand with you in your fight to regain a sense of calm and order in your life, we are all fighting our own battles and understand so well.

[feary]

thank you everyone so much for your help and support.

i just don't know what to do

about aging, I worry about losing my looks since that is so important to me and makes me feel good (it has already started to go away). I fear that I will loathe myself more as I age

I also worry about not being able to move as much and do things as I age since I cannot take care of myself as I should because of my fears holding me back

I do the minimal required

Also with aging, I just worry about how much more I will miss my past and my kids being young and I will not be able to cope at that time

I worry a lot about being alone since I am divorced now and have no companion and no friends and nothing to do

With aging, I worry about my fear and worry getting worse since death will be closer and more probable

With dying, I worry about a long illness and being very terrified

With dying, I worry about dying young before my kids are grown

with dying, I worry about leaving all I have behind

with dying I worry about not being able to breathe and the terror

with aging and dying, i worry about not living a life which I can feel content about

with aging, I worry about more depression and fear

so many worries

[Lisa Michelle]

If you could choose not to obsessively think about dying and aging, would you choose not to? ... I know it can feel very hard, and you also feel you have no choice but to think about all of this, but you do have a choice. You don't HAVE to obsessively think about all of this. You can choose not to. Your inner voice is chatting, chatting, chatting. Listen to it, listen for the next thing it says. And tell it to be quiet! Tell it to shut up. The voice is negative and hurting you, don't let it.

Have you tried reading self help books? If you're open to it, try The Power of Now, it really helped me. I don't worry so much about the future anymore, the future is just a thought, you're never in the future, you're always in the now. All you have is THIS moment. The future is no more than a thought in your mind, a little mental movie. You can't touch it or feel it. Focus on THIS moment, this is all you have. Are you dying in this moment? What problems do you have RIGHT NOW? Not in 20 years, now.

You're spending your entire time in your head. When are you in the now? When are you aware of the present moment? Of the sound of the birds, of the feel of the soap in your hands when you wash them. You're in your head talking about all the negative things that are going to happen in the future, and you're not waking up and seeing what's happening now. None of the things you are worried about are happening now. There's nothing wrong with this exact moment, is there?

Keep trying, feary. You will get there eventually!

feary, you spend your days ruminating about the past and fretting about the future. While you are obsessing, you are missing what is going on today, at this very minute. All of your ruminating and fretting has lead to what some have described as learned helplessness. You are not helpless; yet you choose to be.

You are correct, death has no schedule and it is later than we think. All the more reason to enjoy your children and live in the present. Despite your repetitive posts, caring people have always responded. You respond with more of the same which is not working.

If you are going to have a more meaningful life, YOU must change. You have the ability to address all of the concerns you list in some fashion today. It seems you would benefit from professional help IF you decide you want to change and are willing to heed the advice of your professionals.

On the other hand, if you choose not to live in the present, the days will pass as you have been living them full of angst, frustration and despair.

Perhaps you might want to adopt the Serenity Prayer as your mantra: http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

I apologize if I come across as gruff and uncaring. I do care. Good luck.

[feary]

Yes this moment sucks because my abusive ex husband has my kids every two days and every other weekend and I cannot handle it

and when I have my kids I have to go to damn therapists and miss out on time with my kids

so yes, EVERY moment of my life is horrible

[feary]

I'm sorry

[muncie]

Good feary, your honesty moves you forward. I would take your latest post to your T. and really discuss these points in depth and discuss possible solutions to begin to chip away at some of your fears.

Can you change your therapy appointments to allow for more time with your children?

No need to be sorry, feary. What other things can you do to make your life better?

[muncie]

feary, we are like a circle. Through attempting to help you, we are all helping ourselves as well. Through pain, comes healing for all.

[feary]

I can't stop crying because I know I will suffer all my llfe

I feel so extremely tired that I can hardly function every day

I was doing yoga and playing tennis 3-5 times a week and I started enjoying tennis but I developed very bad tennis elbow so I can't do that anymore

or yoga because of the extreme fatigue and body aches

I have a physical exam scheduled in the next two weeks and it terrifies me

I am so afraid of dying soon and leaving my children and I cannot bear being away from them because I feel like I am dead already

I am going to couple's counseling with my abusive mean ex husband because I want to reconcile because being away from my 2 and 6 year olds is too much torture and we have shared custody and it is too unbearable even after almost 2 years

And I am all alone with no friends and support and every attempt I make to make friends is never enough

It's like people are repulsed by me or something

I wish I could calm my thoughts and my mind

I think too much

I can't stop crying

my therapist and psychiatrist are stumped

they brought in an expert CBT specialist but I just don't have the determination or drive to help myself even though I want to

And I don't understand because I will be great for a while and then I will fall into a deep anxious depressed state like today

I miss my normal life so much

[ECHOES]

Maybe CBT isn't what what would be helpful for you.

[Gus1234U]

dear feary, what so many people don't understand about "being here, now", is that it includes worrying, feeling afraid, wanting to die, all those things are here now with you, so sit with that,,, worry until you wear it out~! don't stop until you have had enough. feel that fear, where it sits in your stomach, how it squeezes your chest, how cold your hands are, how they shake; give it a number,, 1 to 10, this is how much fear i'm feeling Right Now. Describe the numbers, one is a broken nail, 2 is pimple, etc, what ever that feels like for you, Right Now. Who doesn't fear death at some time? It only means you have a life you treasure, Right Now, worry, fear, aging and all. Count your troubles, write them down and measure them; then notice that you are handling them all,, Right Now. I hope these little things are of some use to you, right now. (beckoning towards bliss) Gus

[Rhiannonsmoon]

feary,

Don't be afraid; tell me
What do you have that you love?
What do you have that you are grateful for?
What do you have that you know is unique to you?
What do you have that you would leave to your children that matters?

Rhiannon

[muncie]

feary, a physical exam is a huge positive step for you. Feel the fear and do it anyway, you won't be sorry. My biggest breakthroughs have come about this way. But are you actually considering reuniting with your abusive ex-spouse? I would discuss this thoroughly with your T.

[ECHOES]

I am going to couple's counseling with my abusive mean ex husband because I want to reconcile

feary, your answers won't be found in returning to an abusive relationship. your worries will compound because you will have the fears you have now as well as additional fears and concerns. Shared custody might be a blessing for you right now; you have time to explore and resolve your fears, so you can be a secure, patient, strong, compassionate, comforting mom who helps her children live their lives fully, who can encourage them toward a fulfilling life free of passed-down fears.

The abusive relationship is familiar, and it is appealing because it is familiar. Familiar is comforting and we're drawn to it. So drawn, we can minimize or deny the unpleasant parts and the hurt. The abuse happens to you, and the children are affected. The degree they are affected depends on their being abused also, or witnessing directly or indirectly the abusiveness. I can't imagine that is what you want for your children.

You miss seeing your children more, you are lonely, afraid, uncertain. Those seem like calm words compared to the intense feelings, I suspect. It can feel as if no one is hearing, no one is helping, when it is very hard to get across the very intense feelings that *seem* to be unbearable. In truth, though, you have been bearing them for some time now. This reminds me of a time when I was falling apart, I was driving back from an errand and I was in distress and in tears because "I cannot take care of myself!!!". I said that out loud several times, through sobs, and then it occurred to me... "I AM taking care of myself, even as I say that I cannot." I was *feeling* as if I couldn't take care of myself, but that was my feeling and not the reality. In the same way, you can't stand the way you are feeling, but you are bearing it, as umcomfortable as it is. You are stronger than you may think.

[Hippie]

(((((feary)))))

You are doing positive things for yourself. You are keeping your therapy appointments.
You are getting the physical you need.
You are there for your children
Remind yourself of these good steps, of these things that are taking you in the right direction. Allow yourself to feel good about yourself.
I agree with Echoes. Returning to an abusive relationship would be a huge leap backward for you.
Let us know how you are doing.

[feary]

I am not well at all

I never will be

I am frozen in fear and boredom right now

I need my kids with me every day and I will never have that so I can never be well

I have had shared custody since my daughter was still nursing at 5 MONTHS OLD and the psycho judge (everyone in town thinks so) ordered 3 days shared custody and one week for my 4 YEAR OLD

THAT IS SO TRAUMATIZING TO THIS DAY

I cannot get over the trauma of all of this

My babies were taken from me, how can any mother ever be normal with this life

of course I feel completely unsafe and insecure especially since i have NO real support or friends or things to do

and i am frozen in fear so I can't even do a single thing

I saw my kids on Saturday morning for their swimming practice and then took my son to a birthday party but the entire time I felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion because I felt overwhelming fatigue and so I came home at 1 and slept and then could not move all day and night and got hit with extreme panic

And I was all alone and this morning I woke up and I am all alone with nothing to do

even if I wanted to do something I can't because even brushing my teeth seems terrifying

yoga and tennis helped me lately but now i developed this extreme fatigue and severe tennis elbow and now I can't even do that

I cannot bear this loneliness and empty life

I can't wait for my kids to come back tomorrow morning

But even when they are here I am terrified of aging and dying obsessively

i am doomed

I don't know where to find any relief

[muncie]

What would it hurt to see an attorney regarding your chances of fighting the custody orders? You could ask around for the name of a good one. Nothing can change without some action on your behalf.