Living situation making me anxious

Thanks for replying and not making me feel like a selfish mean person. I really do appreciate it because most people don't see things from my point of view. I'm sorry i even shared this problem with my friend. I guess maybe she is putting herself in my bf's neices' shoes and also she had a sister who she was always having to help. I guess people who have more in common with my bf can see things more from his perspective. Well now theres more drama. She found out she's pregnant. She went to the ER and came back with paperwork confirming it. She came in the other day and told me right away. Then she started crying. She asked if i still loved her, did i hate her now. She said now everyone is going to turn their backs on her and how disappointed she is in herself. She looked and sounded so sad and i felt bad for her. Of course i said, i still loved her and nobody is going to turn their backs on her. Then (sigh) she asked if she could stay here until she finishes school in June. I felt cornered and i said yes. I don't know why i just couldn't say no, she looked so pitiful and helpless. She is due the end of June. She'll be here for 8 months because i felt to guilty and ashamed to say no you have to find somewhere else to go. She was relieved, she said she thought we were going to kick her out. I have just made things worse for myself and i can't even blame anyone else, i did it, like an idiot. I don't feel like i have a right to even complain now because i made an even bigger mess. So we discussed options. She has a mentor that she's had since she was about 10 or so, she's 17 now soon to be 18. The mentor knows her family, she's gone on vacations with her and she's very close to her. The woman moved across the country but they still talk and she was considering moving there after school. Now she says the woman said she would help her raise the baby while she goes to college, she can move out there with her. She wants to keep the baby and she wants to do that. My bf didn't like that idea. No one else in the family will either. They don't all know yet. But she doesn't have many options. There seems to be no room for her in anyone elses house and where will she go with this child. We can't have a child in our tiny place we really shouldn't have her living here. I feel numb and in shock that this is happening and that i just said she could stay here for another 8 months. She really is needy and she seems to be clinging to me. I feel bad that i don't want the responsibility. I am not heartless. Anyway, I did say that i needed time alone and that i will have the door to my bedroom closed sometimes and that some weekends she will have to visit someone so me and my bf can have time alone. It still isn't the same though. I'm still feeling the same jittery anxious feeling and still miserable that i can't even be on the computer in peace for as long as i want to. She will see that i am not looking for work and eventually will ask why because she asks a lot of questions. I am very private and i don't want everyone knowing my business. Especially my bf's family. I don't do much of anything, a lot of days i don't go out the door. She is so bored in here she asks everyday what am i going to do today, she wants to come. I am worried i'm going to break down because i feel very unstable. I am worried i'm going to have a major panic attack and i don't want to have it while she's here. I am still feeling like i don't want to be here. My bf and i haven't spoken much for the last few days. I feel stuck in this situation because i have no where to go. I know you all will say well you made it worse now by allowing her to stay. I did, didn't I. I just couldn't bring myself to say no you can't stay here while you finish school. She already is thinking everyone is going to hate her and turn their backs on her. Oh well. I don't know how i am going to deal with this i really don't but i've made my bed now haven't i?

((((((Anjelmarie)))))) I am so sorry this is happening. I would have responded to her the same way you did. I could not have told a crying girl who just found out that she is pregnant that she cannot continue to live there. So no, you did not "make your bed". He and his niece made that bed. Again, I ask you do you have a friend you can stay with? I hope you can find refuge from your bf and his niece.

And her family doesnt want her moving in with her mentor? Well which one of them who doesnt want that would love to take her in then? Its easy for them to say when she has a place to stay..... with you.

Anjelmarie, Can you think of a way out of this whole mess? Are you sure there is no other place where you can go ? I do care a lot. And I think you were just backed into a corner by his niece. what other answer could you have given on such short notice?

((((((((((((((anjelmarie)))))))))))) Big hugs to you! You have really been placed in a very difficult situation. I'm so sorry. You did really well to tell your niece that you need time alone each day and that she must respect that and not knock on your bedroom door if it's closed.

I sincerely hope that your neice is being serious about moving away to live with her mentor in 8 months. I'm wondering why she can't go sooner though? If this person is going to help her raise her child, then perhaps your niece could move there now??

Thanks again for the support it is really helping me to read your posts. I feel alone in this and i feel nobody understands me and almost everyone is more supportive of my bf and his neice. I am usually made to feel selfish. So thank you so very much. Anyway, as far as me being able to get away from this situation, unfortunately i don't really have anywhere to go where i'll be able to have peace and quiet and clear my head. I'm not really that close to my siblings and plus they don't have room, they have kids. I don't have a lot of friends. 2 friends are not supportive and i don't want to even talk to them really because they will just ask what else is going on and then tell me how they feel sorry for my bf and his neice and then tell me i need to be more supportive of them. I'm sorry but i don't need to hear that when I already suffer from low self esteem, depression and anxiety. I am struggling just to get through each day. A few friends that have seemed supportive don't have room, i could sleep on their couch but there are too many people in the house for me, i'd be stressed out. I really have difficulty being around people, noise and activity. I need to be by myself and i can't afford to move or even go to a hotel for a little while. I got used to it being me and my bf all the time and i even feel uncomfortable visiting family or friends because i'm in their home and i feel like i have to talk and visit. I can't just go in a room and shut the door and read or watch tv alone they will think its rude of me to come visit and then avoid them. I don't know why i am like this i just am. And being that my life is such a mess, with me not working and struggling financially i have withdrawn from most people because i don't want them questioning me about whats going on with me. I don't want people asking me why i'm still not working and am i even looking for a job. I don't want people knowing im on disability. This is another thing contributing to my depression because i do miss having friends and family, i'm not a total loner i do like to be around people sometimes. As far as my bf's neice, she is now saying she is unsure about moving with her mentor because she lives on the west coast and we are on the east coast. She doesn't know if she'll like it there and she doesn't want to leave her baby there. She doesn't want the baby adopted she just wants someone to help her while she goes to school and until she can financially take care of the baby herself. My bf says she is not being realistic. He said she cannot keep the baby because she is not going to be able to take care of it by herself and nobody is going to be able to help her. Nobody has room for her and a baby and nobody can financially take care of her and a baby. As it is we give her money for everything, her father has not given us one cent since she's been here, and i told my bf that needs to change and soon. Meanwhile she is becoming more attached to me and is very needy. She needs a lot of attention because she is still a child. I know she didn't have enough attention growing up thats why she is like that. I know all of this and i feel bad but i also don't have it in me to be there for her the way she needs me to be. I'm doing what i can but I am depressed about my own life and how it turned out I'm very unhappy. I have anxiety, panic attacks and a lot of the time i still wish to not be here in this world. It is hard for me to be there for someone else and have responsibility for someone elses feelings and needs when i'm feeling as bad as i do. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and all he could do is listen and shake his head and tell me to continue my meds. I told him i feel like i'm going to lose it sometimes and he told me to call crisis if i get like that. What else could he say? No one can really fix this for me. I'm stuck! I have so much more to talk about but i won't because i have already written so much so i thank you again for replying and helping me through this time.

Anjelmarie

Just want to let you know that I'm sending you hugs and wishing you well.

((((((((anjelmarie))))))) I'm glad to hear that at least your BF is telling his neice that she isn't being realistic. I was worried that he was going to tell her she and the baby could live with you. I am VERY RELIEVED for you that he is saying she and the baby cannot live with you.

It sounds like this mentor is the only person who has offered to help this girl with her baby so she really needs to act on this. You say that she is having doubts because she doesn't know if she will like it on the West Coast. But, in reality, she is extremely lucky that she has this option at all. Indeed, it sounds like her ONLY option, so she really doesn't have a choice. I hope she realizes that quickly.

Sending you hugs and support (((((((anjelmarie)))))))

Your right sundog. She doesn't really have any other options. She couldn't stay here because there is absolutely nowhere for the baby to sleep. Nowhere to put a crib or anything. Our place is tiny and cramped and its really meant for one or two people to live. It is a complete mess now with her stuff all over the place. My bf is pissed and he blew up to my surprise the other day. I think because of the fact that she is expecting either us or someone else in the family to provide for her and her child and isn't taking the situation seriously. She started crying and broke down and ran into the bathroom. I calmed her down and then i just came out and told her that she can't expect people to take in and financially support her and her child. People have their own expenses and are struggling to make ends meet as it is. I asked her how was she going to pay rent, electricity, phone and buy food and diapers and everything else she would need to live. She couldn't tell me. I said you can't get mad at others for not being able to take on your responsibility. I said if the mentor is willing to help you thats a gift, a blessing. Not many people would be willing to do that. So she listened and is now saying thats what she will probably have to do. Evidently the mentor has the financial means to help and take on this responsibility and she is a angel to do that. My bf talked to her and told her that. I have been acting as a mother figure and counselor and have not even been able to think about my ownself and my own issues. My mom's birthday is coming, she has been dead for almost 4 years and it still is painful, these trigger days like birthdays and holidays are hard for me. I'm having medical issues and me and my bf obviously are not in a great place we can barely have a conversation now. I'm miserable. I feel like a prisoner in my bedroom with the door closed. I have to do it though because i can't stand not having my own space and privacy. She is a talker and will talk nonstop if i am out in the livingroom or if she comes into the bedroom. It drives me crazy. The other day after my T. appt. I went to the hosptial cafe and ate lunch and stayed there for over an hour talking on the phone. Then I went grocery shopping and hung out in front of the grocery store again on the phone because i have no privacy at home. Plus i didn't really want to go back home. This is how it is now. She went out today only because i gave her money to get her hair done. If she has no money she stays home. Her father who i thought just found a job is still not working. I just found that out. So we are providing everything for her. She wants nothing to do with her father either. She acts like we are her parents. As much as i feel for her situation I really didn't want to be in this position. My bf is happy that i've been helpful to her and he appreciates it but i am doing it because i feel i have no choice and have been pushed into it and it makes me feel angry. I hold it all in of course. All i can do for now is vent about it. I thank you all for letting me do that. I know i am becoming a nuisance. Thanks for still putting up with me.

Anjelmarie

Anjelmarie,
I am so impressed with how you handled her. All those things you said to her were things she needed to hear spoken out loud. It sounds like you were gentle and matter of fact. She needs to hear that just because she wishes to be dependent, doesn't mean that you can provide that.

I hope somehow she will get some help so her life can turn around and head in a healthier direction. Can she go to counselling in your community, at a community mental health center or something like that? They will help her think about the baby and possibly help her with housing since she is pregnant.
Maybe you could call your county's Department of Family Services to see if they can help or refer your niece to other services.

You really did a great job telling her what she needed to hear.

You are not becoming a nuisance at all (((((((anjelmarie)))))) We are here to offer you whatever support we can and we are happy to support you. You have SO MUCH on your plate right now Keep venting all you want!!!

I'm really glad to hear that your BF had a stern talk with his niece and that he is insistent that she needs to take responsibility for her situation. It's also good to hear that he is appreciative of everything you are doing to support this girl. From what you say, it really does sound as though your BF gets it now that she can't stay with you indefinitely. I really hope it works out with her mentor and that she starts doing what is necessary to make the move out to the West Coast.

Thinking of you and sending hugs

Bf's neice went to her stepmothers yesterday and is still there so i've had peace. I'm thrilled but i just feel so drained today. I could barely get out of bed and i had phone calls i needed to make, bills to pay and errands to run. All week i have been in the house except monday when i went to my T. appt. Today i felt really anxious and depressed. I think i just had time to think about everything. Also, the holidays coming up always bring me down. Since I was estranged from my siblings I haven't done anything on the holidays much, its usually me and my bf. His family doesn't really celebrate. Before we would go to my family and it hurts that its not like that anymore. Every year is hard. Plus, before she even came here with her problems i was struggling with my depression and anxiety and not being able to do things i'm supposed to do. Feeling like my life isn't worth living and feeling alone with my feelings if that makes any sense. I have this feeling inside like i'm afraid and worried. You know how you feel when your going to do something that your afraid to do, like speaking in front of a group or the first day of a new job or getting on a plane if your afraid to fly.The butterflys in your stomach, rapid heartbeat, tingling sensation. I have it pretty much all the time now and some days like today are worse than others. I haven't even been eating much because when i am afraid i lose my appetite. The past 4 years i had a lot of loss. My life changed drastically. I now don't have much of a life and i want it back the way it was. I was struggling with my depression and trying to get my life back on track and now with my bf's neice here with her problems it has me going backwards and feeling scared. To be honest, before she said she was pregnant i was worried that she would be here indefinetly. I was really scared. My bf doesn't really want her to move out west, he wants her to let the mentor keep the baby and she come back here and go to college. He and the rest of the family will have a problem with her being so far away. I don't think she will leave her baby but if she did she would need a place to stay again. That scares me. Also she is still going to be here for another several months. I am feeling really uneasy about this. How am i going to get through it. Its been only one month and i feel like i am losing it. I don't know how to cope with it all. I'm worried i'm going to make my self sick. My bf thinks i'm being dramatic but the feelings that i have are scary. The tingling in my head, the racing heart, I can't stand it. Sometimes i really feel like i'm going to lose my mind, usually if i was in bed i would get up and run to the window to get air, then i'd run into the livingroom and just pace back and forth and basically i would just go from room to room trying to calm myself down. Well now i can't really do that because she'll ask what is wrong so i'm stuck in the bedroom with all of that fear. All i can do is pray about it and thats what i've been doing, and venting here of course and to my T. My T. is going to try some new therapy she learned about. I think its called EPMD or something. We never really get a chance to try it because i want to spend the whole time talking but i guess i should give it a try if it will help. Anyway I'm thankful that i have this site, it is very helpful.

Anjelmarie

I forgot to say thank you for saying that i did well talking to my bf's neice. I appreciate that. I really have been trying even though its hard for me to have her here and to deal with this situation. I'm trying not to make her feel bad and trying to listen to her and be there for her. I realize she needs that. I may not be the best person to give her what she needs now but i am doing the best i can under the circumstances and trying not to lose my ownself and my own sanity in the process. Thanks to all for your support and for allowing me to vent.

I can SO relate to this. In fact, this could be me. (((((((anjelmarie))))) I just recently went through a really bad time of feeling physically ill all the time, and a lot of the sensations I was having in my body were just like the ones you describe. I would also do that thing you describe of going from room to room just pacing, in an attempt to calm down. I'm doing better now, but I still have frequent physical issues which I think are anxiety-related, and my anxiety is still a problem. Just not as bad as it was. So my heart really goes out to you because I am very familiar with this state of mind and state of being and it does feel like a living nightmare.

I am so glad you at least have some peace for a couple of days while your BF's neice is at her stepmother's. But I also understand why it is that you have been feeling depressed today. As you say, you've had time to think and feel things, and your situation is very overwhelming right now. Plus, as you say, you were already feeling depressed and anxious before your BF's niece appeared on the scene.

I think the only thing to do is just try and take it one moment at a time. I know that is waaaayyyy easier said than done and, like you, my mind always zeros in on all the things that could go wrong in the future. I hope you can find a way to distract yourself from that type of "what if" catastrophic thinking and just try and get through each day (which I know is hard enough )

I'm so sorry for all the losses you have experienced. You have been dealt some very tough cards

It's good to hear that you are going to be trying a new form of therapy. I really hope that helps ((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))

Thanks Sundog for your support, i really really appreciate it. I thought i was the only one that had the physical sensations and reactions i have been having. I can't believe you also run from room to room. Maybe we are not alone either. Its a sad state to be in though. And very scary. I don't know what to do about it. Did you do something specific to help yourself during those times? Or did you just deal with it until it went away on its own. I went to this site called paniccenter.net and finally started reading the program. Its a very interesting site. You have to do a questionnaire first and then they develop a program just for you to follow. They give you homework too. I haven't been able to start it until yesterday because i had privacy. Yes it is nice to have peace and privacy again, i feel like i can breathe better. I think she wanted to get away from us because we are telling her things she doesn't want to hear. And my bf is mad and she is not used to that. He usually spoils her. She had him wrapped around her finger until she moved in with us. I had to tell him he needs to stop spoiling her and buying her everything and letting her be bossy and rude. She is seeing a different side of him now. He's disappointed in her. Anyway i am enjoying this peace i have for now and tomorrow i am going to see my uncle, my mom's brother. We are going to put flowers on my mom's grave for her birthday tomorrow. Then I will spend the day with him. I'm hoping i can save money to get a laptop so i won't have to worry about not having privacy on the computer and i can go to the sites i want to go to when i want to go to them. Sometimes in the middle of the night i need to get online if i'm anxious so i need to be able to do that. Again, thanks for your support and take care, i'm glad your doing a little better now.

Anjelmarie

Hi ((((((anjelmarie)))))) I hope you got through today ok, it being your Mom's Birthday. I'm so sorry for your loss I lost my Dad almost 3 years ago and I really miss him a lot. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your Mom.

I think it's good your BF's neice has seen another side to him and that she realizes she can't wrap him around her finger anymore. And I think it's also good that your BF has seen another side to his neice and that he has decided to stop spoiling her. I hope he starts spoiling you instead! You deserve it (((((((anjelmarie))))))

Regarding my anxiety/panic/pacing around in the night, I think one of the things that changed was that I changed the dose of my anti-depressant and that helped me sleep better. For about 4 months I was sleeping so badly and that was also when my anxiety was at it's worst and when I was up a lot during the night having panic attacks. There was definitely a connection between sleeping badly and increased anxiety, so finally being able to sleep better again helped quite a bit. I do still have anxiety issues and I have a lot more work to do on myself, but - touch wood - I'm doing better than I was at my worst (which isn't necessarily saying very much!!) I think educating ourselves about this disorder is really helpful and I hope you're able to get a laptop so you can spend some time on that anxiety site you found. I really hope that your new therapy helps too (((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))

Thanks Sundog, I didn't get to go to my moms grave because i overslept and it takes a few hours for me to get there. My uncle wanted to go early and it just didn't end up happening. I may go next Sat. I think my attacks have to do with me not getting proper sleep as well. I don't sleep well at all. I'm up most of the night. I am going to try taking the trazadone the dr. gave me to sleep. I took one about half hour ago and i'm not ready to sleep yet. Well my bf's neice is back and already bored i guess. Today i left early afternoon to go to my T. and then i sat in the hospital coffee shop for over and hour and then went grocery shopping. I try to stay out as long as i can. When I got home she wanted to know what i was doing tomorrow. I said I had something to do in the morning. then i'm running errands. She wanted to know what i had to do in the morning and i said its personal. I'm going to try to go to this group at the hospital that i can never get to because I'm sleep. Then she said can i go with you to the store. I said yes but i'm thinking i may go straight from the hospital. She wants to go everywhere i go. I'm trying to get out to be alone. When i'm out i get depressed thinking about having to go home. This just shouldn't be. I shouldn't have to feel this way. Am I wrong here? I know some people think i am, that i'm mean and selfish but what about me and how i am feeling, what i'm going through. I tried to get that through my bf's head this weekend. We had a fight because I brought up the subject and he doesn't want to hear it. I was telling him how miserable i am and how i'm now having panic attacks and a constant anxious feeling. I said why would you put me in this position. He said he didn't have a choice. He got mad at me for telling him how i was feeling and as usual got up and went in the living room on the computer. I feel stuck in this situation. She is asleep on couch while i'm online and probably looking at reflection of computer screen in the glass part of entertainment center. A few days ago she asked what i was looking at because she saw it through the glass she told me. Thats great isn't it. She's nosy. She told me she checks her stepmothers text messages. When I heard that i make sure i keep my phone hidden and i told my bf to delete his msgs or keep his phone to his self. She used to ask to see his phone and now i know why. Then I saw her watch on my dresser where my jewelry is so i guess she was in there looking at my stuff. This is another problem. I am very private and she is nosy. I'm pretty sure she walks around looking at stuff or in stuff when she is home alone and i'm not happy about it. I had to hide my journals but i have lots of papers around, which i tried to hide but not well enough. My bf thinks i'm being paranoid and doesn't think she would snoop, but then he didn't think she would end up pregnant either. Anyway I feel like i'm doomed. I can't afford to live on my own. I mean I would just be getting by, and i could forget a computer or cable, or even a phone. I'm angry at myself for letting myself be dependent on someone. At this point i wish God would just let me have peace. I feel like i'd rather be gone. I am so unhappy, i hate waking up. Hell, I was feeling that way before she even came but now i feel much worse. I hate feeling this way, especially when there are people fighting to stay alive, but i can't help it, its how i feel. I was miserable since I lost my job and car, my mom and my siblings, and my friends. I stopped doing things I needed to do, I lost my drivers license. I feel really stuck because if i could drive I could at least get out more and just go sit in my car in the park, that is what i used to do alot of the time. I procrastinate alot, and on things that i really need to do. I don't know why i set myself up for failure. I'm my own worse enemy and i know it but still end up screwing up all the time. It makes me hate myself all the more. Anyway let me get off of here. Thanks again for your support.

((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))) I don't think you are wrong. You have the right to feel safe in your own home. And it sounds like you have good reason to believe that your BF's neice is snooping through your stuff. That's not ok Can you put a lock on your bedroom door?? I would try and do that, I think, just for peace of mind. I really hope you can get a laptop so that you're able to use the computer in your bedroom, away from prying eyes ((((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope the group you're going to tomorrow at the hospital is helpful.

Thanks sundog, Well I slept through group again. Just couldn't get up. Thats from not getting enough sleep. You know i'm just really angry today thinking about how my bf is gone all day and i'm the one home with his neice. He was out late yesterday and today. Came home close to 10pm. I think he is so wrong to invite her to stay here and then not even be here. He just didn't even care about the fact that i have to deal with her all day and when he doesn't come home, most of the night. Being our place is tiny and we only have one tv and one computer doesn't help. She is bored. She can only sit at computer for so long before she gets bored. Although my bf said you can watch shows on computer and the computer is better than the tv. Today she told me she was bored and what was i watching on tv later, meaning she wants to come in and watch with me. I guess to most people that shouldn't be a problem but for someone like me who likes being alone it is a problem. My bf just doesn't get it and neither does a few of my friends and some people on here. I guess you wouldn't get it if you don't mind having people around you all the time. And If you live with other people than you wouldn't get it. In my bf's family they are used to living with each other. They are a large family and i don't think anyone has ever lived alone and they like it that way. I know they couldn't understand why me and my bf have not had anyone living with us, they tried before to get someone to move in with us but we always said we couldn't, we didn't have room or couldn't afford it. It has been me and him for years. I never wanted anyone else living with us. I know things change, situations change but we are not in the position to have someone living with us. If we had a bigger place and we had a spare room with a tv and computer in it and we could each go to our own space and not be on top of each other so to speak, it may be a litttle better, MAYBE. But thats not the case. I haven't really spoken to my friend since she went on and on about how sad she feels for my bf's neice and how she must be feeling and how would i feel if i were her or if i were in my bf's shoes, and what if it was my family, wouldn't i want to help. She did not see my side at all, she didn't even try to. She made me feel really bad about myself. I have talked to her since but we didn't discuss the situation because i told her i couldn't talk since i was home. I feel like i don't trust her now. I don't how to approach her on how i feel hurt by the things she said and how she didn't support me at all. Another friend of mine is the same way. She does say she feels sorry for me but she also says she feels sorry for my bf and his neice. She said if she could she would tell me to send her to her house. But she lives with family herself so she is not in the position. She said she is used to helping family raise kids. Well I'm not. I think she was hoping that we would get a larger place and that she and her baby would live with us. I have a neice of my own who asked me the same thing. She lives by herself with her son but she is struggling. I feel for her but I do not want to live with anyone else but my bf. She wasn't in the position to have a child either and shouldn't have put herself in that position. I don't understand why people put themselves in this position and then get mad because nobody wants to or can afford to help them. My neice has a mother and other family but she chose to move away to stay with a friend of hers until she could get her own place. Now she is unhappy there. She however does have some help, not as much as she would like though. Meanwhile people are telling my bf's neice to have the baby and keep it but nobody is offering to put her up and take care of the two of them. Anyway as usual my post is long and i'm sorry. I just really need to vent. Also would like any opinion about how to approach my friend and whether to tell her i was hurt by her failure to be supportive of me and what i'm dealing with, instead she took my bf's side and felt sorry for him and his neice. I know she will be defensive and i don't feel like getting into an argument with her. Thanks again. Anjelmarie.

Some ideas on your friend: you could ask her if she is at least able to see your perspective, even if she disagrees - you could also decide to focus on what does work between you and your friend and let differences go. Ideally she would be supportive of you in this situation, but if she can't, you can continue to look for support that is available.

What does your boyfriend say when you tell him that you resent being used as an unpaid babysitter and that you would like him to be more responsible as an uncle to his niece?

Meanwhile what can you do to get breaks from the stress?

So true! agree with everything you have said!

I've been trying not to be on here everyday venting about the same thing though i am grateful for the responses the support and opportunity to get things off my chest. Today I'm very anxious and have that on edge feeling, butterflys in stomach, no appetite and worried because i expect "her" to come home (well to our home) later because she has been at her stepmothers since Monday thank goodness. She started school (ged program) and it is in walking distance of her stepmoms house in another town. She gets out late and i guess asks if she can just stay over there. Her hours i found out are 5:30 to 8:30pm. I find that strange for school, even if it is a ged program, 3 hours? If her stepmom gets sick of her being there she will be back here practically all day every day. And Fridays shes off, thats why i'm worried. I had peace all week but i have the butterflys feeling worried that it is about to be over instead of enjoying it. She calls everyday. Yesterday she wanted to know what i was going to do and i said i was going to walmart and she wanted to know if i could go today instead so she could come with me. I said no, i needed to go on Thursday. I wonder why she would need to come with me when she has no money. We pay for everything. She just expects us to buy her stuff and give her spending money and traveling money. Her father still hasn't give us a dime. He is a poor excuse of a father, i actually do feel sorry for her. He has found out shes pregnant and insisting she has an abortion. He had an argument with my bf the other day about it. I'm just sick of being in the middle of his familys mess. I shouldn't have to be. When i tell him how all this is making me feel he has nothing to say. He tries to leave the room or put earphones on or he falls asleep while i'm talking. He doesn't want to hear it. I could make him come to a session with my T. he has done it before, but it will be for nothing because he feels he has no choice but to let her stay with us and he is not going to budge on it. He and the rest of the family don't want her to go to California with the mentor. They have no other plans though. I told him i'm worried that if she doesn't have the baby or gives it up she will end up with us indefinetly. Or someone else will try to move in with us since he has such a large family and they are so used to living with each other. We've never had anyone stay with us until now and since he has opened the door so to speak i feel like its never going to be closed again. This is what they are used to. He told me he missed having his family coming in and out all the time and being around him everyday. He is enjoying having her with us. He always was complaining that i never wanted company and he didn't like it just being us all the time. I took offense and said what am i then? Am i that horrible to be around that you need company all the time. He gets mad when i say that. We are just so different and we were brought up different. I asked him is this something i need to be worried about? Is he going to have a hard time keeping his family and their problems from interfering with our lives. Is he going to have a problem with us living alone. He has not answered me yet. I am worried. I know the answer already. He can't seperate from them, he can't stand up to them. I have to either be alone and struggle to try to make ends meet or put up with his family and their issues and their constant involvement in our life. I'm damed if i do and damed if i don't. I wish i didn't have to be here. I'm already depressed and i just don't know how i would make it if i had to be alone and with nothing and no one. At least now i have him. I'm miserable but i have him. I wish God would just let me go and be at peace. Thats what i really want. I know thats horrible to say and some people will balk, but thats how i feel. I'm sorry to be depressing. I just feel so horrible right now. The pain i feel is overwhelming. All i want is peace and serenity, i don't think i'm asking for much.

(((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))) I'm really glad you've had some peace this week while your BF's niece has been staying overnight at her stepmother's. I hope that continues. I still don't understand why your BF is trying to talk her out of going to California, especially since he isn't coming up with any alternative options......I agree that you shouldn't have to be in the middle of his family dynamics, and you also shouldn't have to come second to his family. I'm so sorry (((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))) Have you thought any more about maybe moving away? Back to your hometown? I totally understand that neither of the options you are facing is ideal (to say the least), but the current situation sounds so incredibly difficult that it's hard not to think the alternative (moving away) might be better? Has your therapist been able to make any practical suggestions about this?

Thinking of you ((((((((anjelmarie))))))) and wishing you as much peace as possible

anjelmarie,

I'm going to try to keep this somewhat short for ya :P

There is a clear problem with boundaries here. Firstly (and maybe I read this wrong? but), she should not be allowing herself into your bedroom! It's bad enough that you have someone staying with you in a one bedroom apartment, but even then YOU still need your own space! Your b/f needs to understand this! That applies to him too..

Believe it or not, I can most definitely relate! (So please, do message me if need be!)
At the beginning of the Spring, I was kind-hearted enough to take in my little brother and his g/f after they were kicked out of her Mom's home (for similar reasons, except the law part). Being the person I am, I gave the benefit of the doubt here. They had no jobs, and had dropped out of school. They swore up and down that they would find their own means to help hold their end up once they figured out what they were doing. Of course, I was living in a comfy little apartment as well with my fiancé... they slept on the floor in his office (he works from home). But even then that was potentially intrusive at times when they'd sleep 'til the afternoon hours.

Anyways, LONG story short - I can relate because I come from a family background in which most are on Disability (family curse IMO!) so to me it was just the right thing to be doing. Of course, being nice ALSO blew up in our faces. I can't even begin to tell you how this all made my fiance feel (your position, in relation to the story) and it was not worth it! I know that it'll be going to hell and back to try to convince your b/f otherwise, but he needs to know that for the sake of a healthy environment, he can't let this situation take it's own course.

Bottom line though, I think the best thing you can do is to at least MAKE your b/f agree that their need to be expectations (school, job, whatever!) put in place and done within a certain timeline or you can't continue to support her anymore. Because trust me, it's not that I don't feel bad for anyone in a homeless position, but it smells like this is someone who might just get comfortable with this and things may never change.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Thanks for your support and responses. Last night i was very anxious, depressed, in tears. So much going on with me inside. The Holidays, feeling like no one cares whether i'm alive or dead as far as some family and friends go. Relationship with my bf and our living situation. Health issues. Right now my stomach is in knots. Anyway I though i was going to do something with my bf, just the two of us and his friend called and off he went even though i told him i was feeling really bad and was looking forward to getting out. He said we will do something when i get back. I knew that would be late because it takes a good while to get to his friends place and back here. Sure enough he came in after midnight. I was angry and hurt that as usual i am put 2nd. I told him how i felt and he gets angry. He always seems stunned that i'm angry about the things he does. And to answer questions about what he says when i tell him how i feel about the living situation, he rolls his eyes, sighs and looks annoyed. Doesn't want to hear it, doesn't want to discuss it. He just doesn't get why i'm upset. Even though i tell him how it makes me feel physically ill and how i don't want to even come home sometimes, or that i rather move and be alone and struggling and miserable, he still just looks at me like he's disgusted by what he is hearing. He doesn't want to know how i feel. He likes it when i just act as if everything is ok. And that is what it is, an act. But he doesn't care as long as he can feel like things are ok. Anyway i'm rambling. As far as moving back to my home town, i don't know. I can't right now, its an expense i can't afford. I am looking to see if i can get into affordable housing but there are waiting lists.

(((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))))