[Distressed1]

It started just before I was in kindergarten. My parents took me to the eye doctor and found out my eyesight was very bad. I started wearing "coke bottle' glasses at age 4. I was constantly made fun of and got beat up numerous times. I never felt like I fit anywhere. The worst started in about 7th grade. My gym teacher made me very anxious around her. Whenever she was in the room or I saw her anywhere...I became absolutely frozen inside. I was so afraid to do anything in front of her.....I started feeling like I was constantly being watched. The same thing has happened over and over again throughout my life with many different situations and people. That 7th grade year was also the year when suicide thoghts began. I have been hospitalized over 30 times for overdosing on meds and been placed in psychiatric wards at least 26 times throughout my lifetime. I have a current situation right now that whenever I go to this certain place and this person is there, I feel like people are constantly watching me. If I try to talk to this person that I respect very much I almost go into an anxiety attack. My body starts shaking/trembling with fear of rejection or judgement. Does anyone else here deal with things or even know what I am talking about?

[Miracle1986]

A big coming your way.
I am so sorry you have been through so much.
You are definitely not alone though...
I constantly feel like I am being watched/followed...
so much so it has begun to make me left my house less and less.

[Distressed1]

Originally Posted by Miracle1986

A big coming your way.
I am so sorry you have been through so much.
You are definitely not alone though...
I constantly feel like I am being watched/followed...
so much so it has begun to make me left my house less and less.

I'm sorry to hear that about your life as well. The journey has been very interesting to say the least. The future has to get better, doesn't it?

[lynn P.]

I was painfully shy as a child and struggled with social anxiety until my mid 20's. I slowly gained more self esteem and this helped a great deal. I still have some remnants of it occasionally, but luckily I have it under control. It's better to get help than try to handle it on your own. Our minds are the worst enemies of all.

[Landance]

I've always been shy growing up and still am. If it is a huge problem, definitely talk to someone. It's not fun to deal with.

[suzzie]

(((((((((Destressed1))))))))

so sorry for what you been through. i am really shy too and afraid around people. its hard.

[sundog]

Hi (((((Distressed))))) I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Are you getting any professional help currently? I have a different type of anxiety disorder from the one you describe here, but at the end of the day, we're fighting the same beast. As Lynn says, our minds can be our own worst enemies. I really hope you're able to work with a therapist on some of these issues. I know you'll find support here too

[with or without you]

***Distressed - do not read this if you feel this will trigger any emotions for you. But I'm just writing this to help you or anyone else who happens to be reading.***

Distressed, I really feel for you. I have had this for most of my life and it absolutely sucks. It really racheted up when I started high school. I was diagnosed when I was 17 and I'll be 30 next year. I wanted to kill myself in the summer after my diagnosis. I never attempted. After that, I have never thought again of hurting myself.

My recovery has been very slow, but as the years have gone on I have been able to hide it pretty well. I would say that people think I'm shy and prefer to keep to myself, but I don't think any of them know it's been this severe. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have (3 or 4) are like gold to me and all of them know I have this. I would say the rest are acquaintances.

I know how absolutely debilitating and paralyzing social phobia is. I have been to hell and back with it. I still have a bad day once in a while. It also brought me a lovely companion gift in the form of depression. As a matter of fact, in some of the major depressive episodes, I would say that the depression was actually worse than the social anxiety.

The only thing I can tell you is to please get help. If you don't like the first therapist you have a consultation with, go to another one and another one until you find the right person. You must be able to feel safe with this person. Also, they must be professional but if you really don't personally like them you will get nowhere fast. Once you find a therapist, they will probably encourage you to see a psychiatrist. In my personal experience—and this is just my own...many many people disagree—medication helped. People don't like the side effects. But for me, it "took the edge off", so to speak. Because of it, I was able to do regular therapy...and on my worst days, at least be able to tell my psychologist what I was feeling (if no one else).

There are still some things I have not been able to do, namely have a boyfriend or have sex. I don't know if I ever will be able to get over that hump. Also, I had some very bad luck over the last 10 years or so, my father died and a few other close friends died in a short amount of time, so the therapy changed its focus to grief management and the inevitable depression that came along for the ride; and the social anxiety took a backseat for a while.

Good luck to you, PM me if you have any questions

[luv2yak]

I so hear you about the coke bottle glasses. I started wearing them at age 5, so I know your pain. I finally got rid of the glasses a year ago. Such a difference. If you're in a position to ditch the glasses, I highly recommend doing it. It did wonders for my self-esteem. It's amazing to look around and notice things for the first time that others take for granted. Once I ditch the glasses, I got brave enough to sign up for a meetup. It was a small group of 5 people who were going somewhere I had wanted to visit, but didn't want to go alone. I came home feeling good that I went because otherwise I would have missed out on going there. Might be something worth giving a try.

[OrangeMoira]

You are definitely not alone. I experienced bullying growing up, and have the same problems with feeling I'm being watched and fear of being judged, especially by authority figures.

It can be very painful, and sometimes the anxiety spreads into lots of other parts of life. Yes, it can definitely get better. Even a little bit of talk therapy can help. I see you have had professional treatment before--I hope those were good experiences. Even if they weren't, therapy is different from inpatient treatment, and could be easier because you have more control over who you see, what you do, and when you go.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now; especially with that person you respect. Good for you for going even though it makes you feel anxious! Glad you're here.

[mistyeyed]

Originally Posted by Distressed1

If I try to talk to this person that I respect very much I almost go into an anxiety attack. My body starts shaking/trembling with fear of rejection or judgement. Does anyone else here deal with things or even know what I am talking about?

I used to be social and good at soccer.. all of a sudden around like grade 7 i started getting performance anxiety despite mvp awards and all that crap I would get panicky and sick before every game. I feel the same way now when I have to tell a story infront of a big group of people at a party or in class i can't even make eye contact anymore or I lost my train of thought half way through a sentence... Now people think Im just really shy when I'm actually not i just have to think about what I'm gonna say about a dozen times from start to finish before i can let myself say it outloud without stuttering...I only feel like I'm being watched when I have to eat in public..i've only recently been able to continue eating when someone gets up to get a napkin or wash their hands and leaves me alone for 1 minute.. ugh crappy way to live