[ramsdekm]

I suffer from social anxiety. It is nearly impossible for me to make friends. Furthermore, because of past abuse, I have a fear of men. I feel their is a need for me to make some friends, to go do stuff with the "guys", instead of doing stuff by myself. Any suggestions on how I might approach this with a social anxiety and a fear of men?

Hello, ramsdekm. I am so sorry what happened to you is affecting you now. Have you considered receiving professional help?

[sundog]

Hi ramsdekm! I don't think you have to force yourself to be "one of the guys" if that is not in your nature. I understand that there is some Social Anxiety in the mix here, but perhaps you genuinely don't enjoy typical "male" leisure pursuits, and that's ok too. For example, my husband is very artistic and is excellent at painting and drawing and photography. He hates watching sports on TV and has never been one to go out for a few beers "with the boys". He much prefers being out in nature instead. Consequently he tends to have a lot more female friends than male friends. He goes to art classes at the local art center and signs up for natural history outings and such.

I guess I'm just wanting to make the point that there are all kinds of other leisure pursuits you could embark on that don't involve "the guys". I'm definitely not saying you shouldn't make friends with men! Just, the type of man you befriend doesn't have to be the archetypal sport-watching/beer-drinking/male buddy type. And perhaps that would make it less intimidating for you??

Wishing you all the very best!

[Omers]

I am sure our stories are very different however, there is hope.

I was terrified of men for as long as I could remember because of abuse. I tried working on it with a therapist in all sorts of ways with no luck. Then I went off to college. This one male faculty member caught my attention. He was always so kind, polite and respectful. He always seemed to know to give me a bit more space without my ever having said anything. I watched him diligently for months making all sorts of excuses to be in public places I knew he would be in. On one of my stronger days I went to his office. I was shaking so hard I fell down the stairs. I stuck my head in his door and stammered rather quickly "I'm scared of men but want to trust you" then bolted! On my way out of the building I realized there had been no one else besides the two of us in the whole building at the time. I had been a sprinter in high school but I know I broke some speed records as I raced to my dorm! I shook, shivered, paced, threw up, hid under my blankets and jumped through the roof every time the phone rang. I didn't get up the courage to leave my room until well into the next day for fear of running into him. Eventually our paths crossed again as I knew they would. He gave me much more space than before but he caught my attention at every chance to give me a reassuring look. I would slowly work on moving closer as I was able. If I got stuck for a while though he would "set up" some way that we would have to be near eachother... Always in public and always in a place or way that I would not feel trapped. If we ran into eachother with no one else around he would always let me decide how close to him I came. It took a while but we got there. I remember the night that I finally felt safe enough to hug him (I was a known hugger on campus.... at least with women). As soon as we got close I spooked and started to pull away. He let me pull back but not away. He looked at me with tears in his eyes as he said "Omers, you made it. I'm so proud of you" and I collapsed into his arms crying hystarically with about 150 people staring at me! It was a huge turning point and trusting other men started to become easier and easier. within a few months of the hug I was friends with several male faculty on campus. It has been ten years since I graduated from college and I still go back to visit him every chance I can (I live several states away now). He still means the world to me. When I adopted my son I changed my sons middle name (he knew his first and last name but not his middle name) so that I could name him after that faculty member.

It is possible!

[Perna]

I would start with where you work and see if you can get to talking and interacting a bit with your co-workers? Use what you already do and just try to expand it. When you go to the store or library, out to do chores, practice greeting or talking to clerks and librarians and neighbors?

[ramsdekm]

One of the problems I have being in a social situation is that I just sit there being quiet, not saying anything. My wife used to take me out with her friends, but I think I make her feel uncomfortable when I just sit there saying nothing. My anxiety gets the best of me, I freeze, and cannot carry out a conversation.

[sundog]

Do you have any hobbies or particular interests? It's often easier to feel more comfortable in a conversation with someone if the topic being discussed is something you are interested in and have some knowledge of.

I also find that communicating online like this can be good practice for communicating in real life. So it's great you've registered here.

[with or without you]

rams, I have this problem and I have to say that your anxiety is better than mine, because you are married and in a relationship....something I am still unable to get involved in. So don't feel so bad.

I really suggest that you get professional help, especially since you say you have been abused in the past. Stuff that happens in your youth is very powerful. Talking about it in therapy can help you heal from that stuff, as painful as it is to "go back to that place". I was never abused in any way, but my mother was a functional alcoholic when I was a kid. And when she and my father realized she had to leave home for a while to get treatment/detox, my therapist said that must have felt like an abandonment for me at a young age (I was 11). Unfortunately she relapsed 3 times, extending this "instability" in my family. I never wanted to totally acknowledge this "abandonment" before, because my mom is a great mother, she has been sober for over 18 years and is doing great. But my psychologist was right. I also told her how it always seemed like we had to lie for my mom, cover up where she was, etc. etc. etc. which really contributes to my chronic fear of embarrassment to this day. There were some embarrassing things that happened to me in school that were mom-related, that I am *just* coming around to thinking of bringing up in therapy.

Anyway, I hope you get help soon. Take care, PM me if you have any questions