[jamesH]

Since my first post was in anxiety, ill continue here....

If you do a search for my name you could bring up the old one. Basically i think ive gotten better, but also worse-in different ways respectively. I thought with my intelligence and ability to reason i could get through it all on my own, but i think im beginning to realize that that is not possible-and i may go see a school counselor.

But here are some things ive realized about myself lately. I do things to extremes. I will do one thing all the way, full out, and then if i get tired of it or fall out of it i will feel worthless until i find something else i can be fanatical about again.

I might have mild schizophrenia because i talk to myself often in my head, sometimes vocally. On occasion (less than 5 times) i have seriously frightened myself by imagining aliens near me and once i wouldnt look to the left of me as i sat at a computer late at night because i thought there was an alien there and i think it said a few words to me. This is by no means usual though, it was an extreme case.

Its almost like i am so lonely, that ive made myself colorful and enjoyable-to myself. If i had friends and relations i probably wouldnt be so self involved like this.

I have serious, serious problems interacting with people. In fact, if i think i did well in conversing with someone on a day i will feel very proud and hopeful even that maybe i could start a trend of being normal.

I try to act hard, or tough, or mean looking an unapproachable. This isnt who i am at all and i think its some kind of defense mechanism, because if someone manages to talk to me because they have to or something then i may likely be normal with them.

I see so many girls every day that i wish could sleep next to me at night or just be very close to emotionally, but this seems IMPOSSIBLE. In high school i was with a girl for more than a year, who had a lot of influence in my life. I actually ended up breaking it off, but i wanted it back. We did go back out off and on, but it was done for. So then i moved 600 miles away and we still talked a little and she said she wished i was back there with her cuz she wanted to go out again--At this point i had forgotten about her emotionally. This year though (1 year and a half since ive moved) i think about this girl every day. But oddly, not that i want to be with her now. I miss the times i had and i get sad like nothing like that will ever happen again, like she is having fun now with her boyfriend and i dont have a girl here, like i got left behind and i know in person i wouldnt even like her anymore. its tormenting me every day at least once.

I dont feel like i can be close to anyone because i cant be myself, cuz i dont really know how to do that or even who that is.

My life is empty. I have all the talent in the world, i have looks, i have athleticism, health, vision, yet i am a social vegetable and a complete infant when it comes to confronting myself and/or someone else. I have nothing if i have no social connections, life would be vacantly self-centered and if i died right now it would be so pointless an existance.

I forgot to mention im paranoid, perhaps rightfully so in reference to the government, but in less obvious examples i believe it may be more than usual.

I also have a tendency to beat myself up with schizophrenic voices, which are my own but not really my own.

I can manifest my fears to a startling amount. Reading an account of a UFO abduction the other day had me convinced there was an alien in my living room, and that i couldnt open my bedroom door. I have a problem with aliens if you have guessed yet .

Lately, and the main reason for this post, has been this high school girl i already mentioned. Its really getting to me. I loved this girl, she was my first sexual experience, her parents liked me, we had this connection. It was such an impact on my life i am still realizing it. And everytime i think of a memory with her in it, i just get nostalgic or melencholy or this weird happy/wish i was there/now im sad kind of feeling.

Guess the school person will have fun with me and my aliens.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lost.
Have you been to see a therapist about your aliens?
They do sound a little scarey.

Of course you miss your old girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with being nostalgic about it. You're lonely.
Why did you break up with her?
You've had a year and a half to heal from parting with her and maybe your meloncholy is a sign that you're ready to take a chance and find someone new.
Social situations can be confusing for me too. I think forcing yourself to talk to strangers, like cashiers and service workers, helps build confidence. If it goes wrong or it makes you feel wierd in anyway, the engagement is short enough to flee if neccessary.
You know, a lot of the cashiers are single women. It's worth a shot.
Who is this school person who you think will make fun of you and your aliens?
((((((((((((JamesH))))))))))))))))