I'm not really anxious-it's more of an uneasiness. I don't feel situated with my family. I don't feel connected to them except to know that we're related.
I want to avoid them, although, another part of me wants to see them.
I've been through this before.
I've always caved in and saw them in spite of wanting to avoid them and I've always regretted it because I feel awful when I spend any time around them.
I'm the youngest, smallest and quietest and it goes without saying that I'm the last in line of the pecking order.

On top of that, with my being the only one who's been to a therapist about our childhood abuse and had psych trouble to the point I have-they carelessly drop lines about it and it's never in a good nor positive way.
For instance, I'm sitting in the living room, playing video games with my niece, at my Mom's house on Christmas Eve. My oldest sister walks in and sits down and watches for awhile and somehow it comes up that she doesn't like our sister-in-law and she says "You know, J., (my sister-in-law) says she thinks that you may be bi-polar or schizophranic."
What? I've never been schizophranic or bi-polar. I went through a severe depression 8 years ago and had a few anxiety attacks 5 years ago.
(I was getting off long term usage of sleeping pills, at the time and I had just quite smoking. I started exercising and I pulled a chest muscle. Only, I didn't know it was a muscle pull-I thought I was having a heart attack which made me panic.)
Anyway, my oldest sister's a nurse and I would think she would know better then to say something like that to me and would have put J. in her place and tell her not to diagnose something you don't understand, at the time of the incident. But NOOOOOOOOOO- of course not.
So, it got me all riled up against J. and eventually would talk to her about how I didn't appreciate her diagnosing me w/out having the credentials to do so-my doctors and Therapists diagnose me, thank you very much and J. got mad at me for saying that and to this day holds it against me for bringing it up.
Another situation-my brother pulls up my tank shirt to show everyone at his gathering my self-inflicted scars but says how "cool" they are. I didn't ask for that. I, in no way, wanted to show ANYBODY my scars at the gathering.

It's crap like this, I can't deal with.
So, why can't I just let it go?
GRRRRRRRR!

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am mad at your family ..though I am sure they cannot help it... but they are the ones who are way out of line here.....NOBODY has a right to mistreat you like that and thats what it is...emotional abuse...I think you go cause they ARE family ...They seem like they need therapy ......and youre the only one who went but I really think this is a family with huge issues. And showing your scars then hiding it in..there cool is BULL S*** ......I dont know how to fix it but youre NOT in the wrong to want to avoid this bedlam

HUGS

[kimmydawn]

of course you can't let it go. they were cruel.

it's them sweetie, not you. UGH! that one deserves all caps!

be good to yourself today.

love,

kd

Thanks for your support.

You really think I can't let it go because they are cruel? I thought it was because of the need of family. Hmmm..I'll have to think about that one.

There's a lot of other stuff too but I don't want to get into all of it. These were just a couple of examples.

The problem is my Mom is getting very old and has been sick with arthritis (severe), sciatica, diabeties and last year she had open heart surgery.

I don't visit her much-just on Christmas-because I get upset over those situations that I've written about. And when I try to talk to her about it, we end up fighting and she gets all mad and upset and then tells everyone about it so then they get mad at me for upsetting her.

She doesn't act like a Mom a lot of times. She'd rather side with the oldest daughter because she's SOOOOO funny and charismatic and it feels more like a clicky high school situation a lot of times. What ever oldest daughter says about the situation is good enough for Mom. Forget that oldest daughter is a manipulative BI...!!! and likes to (HER QUOTE)"Use people like a tool." and has referred to my Mom as being "guilable".

But if I don't speak to the family or visit-she gets upset over that and I'm in the same situation. It's a catch 22.

I feel there is just no way of resolving this issue and I refuse to keep being put in that position because no matter how I handle it, it's wrong and I come out of it feeling and looking like an idiot.
I'm pretty sure this is where the bulk of where my problems lie. It's not like I have my own self made family I can turn to like everyone in our related family does.
::Shugs::
I just lost the "friendship" with the one sister I thought I could count on because I realized that it's all about her-all the time. And when I brought this to her attention in various ways, the last reaction was that of being very mean spirited and telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and taking jabs at my emotional turbulance issues.
I've already written about it in another post of mine. I won't go on about it again.

This post is really long. I hate whining like this.

And I'm just blubbering away here.

Thanks for listening. I really appreciate the time you've taken out to read this. It's nice to be heard.
((((((((Hugs))))))))

[Myzen]

((((((((jax))))))))))

Peaceful thoughts, M

((((( Jax )))))

I'm sorry you had to go through that. You deserve so much better.

Petunia

[wisewoman]

Jax, I am sorry you are still being abused. Please protect yourself. If that means leaving them so be it. Many of us have chosen our families. Good luck.

Thank you Myzen, Petunia and Wisewoman.
I'll be fine. I've dealt with it for the most part. Just wanted to vent. I've distance myself far away from them. I'm going to find myself a new family.
Thanks again, everybody.