Overwhelming anxiety/paranoia

I like to think of myself as a good person, but recently (last year or two) I have started to just give up. I stopped caring about myself and other people. I used to want to go out and talk to people but I found it very hard to (I believe I was and still am dealing with social anxiety). My life turned from anxiety filled with emotions controlling me to dead. I lost interest in everything, girls, sports, friends, everything. It felt like a blender was running in my head constantly just mixing up my thoughts. I went from hanging out with friends most nights to a complete loner. I felt that I had lost myself somehow.

It was only until recently that I have been able to cope with this and try to get my life back on track, but I still am very confused about myself, I overanalyze everything I think and do. Such as, Are these thoughts rational? Is that what I really think? Did I make a fool of myself?

I feel that I am letting these emotions get the best of me and I am searching for ways to get rid of them, or at least dull them so they don't affect me.

I always thought I had a good grip on life, but now it seems to have slipped my grasp.

I will try to give you some examples of what I am dealing with lately:

Typically I separate myself from people. In school I have 2 online classes and 3 classes at the college campus. Even in the 3 classes at the campus I never talk to anyone in them.

For example, today we had a fire alarm go off and everyone was standing outside, talking and waiting to go back inside. I was stuck there alone; my anxiety was going crazy too. My heart was pounding, I found it hard to breathe and had to take deep breathes, and I was sweating even though it was below freezing outside. We waited for about 10 minutes and I was freaking out the whole time, just kind of staring into space. When we finally were allowed back inside I kind of broke out of this daze, and it actually felt as if I had just woke up from a nap. My body felt tired and tight, and I was kind of half aware of things, like when you first wake up in the morning.

I also find myself on-edge when I am around people. When I walk to and from classes I keep an eye on people walking by, making sure they don't try to pick my pocket or sometimes I clench my gut in case they try to attack me. I know it is crazy but I lived with these feelings so long it is almost second nature now.

I am never able to relax, even when I am having fun. I feel the need to bring other people down to lift me up; I think that I am beating them to the punch. I always try to find the bad things about people so that if they were to say something mean, then I could counter with something meaner.

Sometimes if I am in a good mood, I will still be mean to people but I will mask it with sarcasm. I find it hard to be open and honest with people, unless they are laughing and clearly enjoying themselves I think I am boring them, or they don't like me.

If someone makes a bad remark or criticizes me, I become really defensive and I think they are attacking me.

I am never happy with what I have, it always feels like I failed or someone else could have done it better. Such as with friends, I feel I need to be best friends with everyone and the guy that everyone wants to talk to. I always want to be the best at everything. I don't want to have any weak spots. I want to be better than everyone.
It has become so hard to live like this, I can’t have any good relationships if I am always waiting for someone to betray me and I can’t progress with my life. I also notice that I become tired more easily and when I do get tired, often I will get light-headed and my whole body will become weak and tremble.

Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Do you feel you have to be the best to compensate for thinking less of yourself compared to other people? I often feel that way. I hope if you find some good, dependable friends that you trust you won't feel as disinterested or the need to always be "the best."

I don't think very well of myself at all, no matter what I do I tell myself I could have done it better. It keeps me progressing and getting better but it ruins my self esteem. Eventually I get so down on myself I will just give up whatever I am trying to do.

I think I do have some good friends, I feel comfortable around them, but there's this urge to always be better. I make friends and then work to make "better" friends. I try to climb the social ladder. I get very anxious around people so I will make friends with the unpopular people first so I can build up my confidence and then I will dump them and move onto a more popular group and the cycle keeps going. I know this is horrible and is very mean, but I can't help it.

Most of the friendships end in a very messy falling out. They are always my fault too. If I stay friends with people too long it feels like am not progressing as fast as I want so I will do anything to end the friendship. One time I literally ran away from from a girl that liked me, trying to get her to leave me alone. The problem was, is that I liked her. I enjoyed hanging out with her and her friends. I have made such a mess of all my friendships, which is probably the reason I have none right now.

You know, I am just like you in a lot of ways. I have found that I am kind of really on the offense at work in showing that I am better than some other people on the team -- not mean exactly, or aggressive, but kind of really trying to differentiate myself and not really caring if that comes at a cost to others.

Partly this is part of my efforts to get out of a kind of bland, boring position at work, to be important, to be needed such that people talk to me, and such that I won't have to listen to people who aggravate me.

And I am very tense, very on-guard, like you. And I also think that I am not really a good person. It's interesting that this is a pattern. I'm not saying it's true of either of us, just that it's a pattern that goes with this.

I don't express myself through words very well, so I try to let my actions do the talking. I think that is why I try so hard to be the best at everything. I want the respect of people and to be above them, like you said. I also don't take kindly to people who criticize my work, it just sets me off. I know I should not be like this, I need others help to succeed, but I am so on edge.

I also feel this paranoia that people are constantly judging me and sizing me up. Even when I go out to shoot the basketball in my driveway, I think about how all the people driving by are watching to see if I make the shot, and saying I suck at basketball. This pushes me to make all the shots I take, so there won't be anything to judge about me.