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#1
Apr 13, 2011, 02:47 PM
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I am going on vacation and will see one of my abusers on monday. It's making me super anxious and I don't know what to do about it. It's my step-mom and the only reason I am even willing to see her is because I want to see my dad.
I wish I could avoid her, but I can't. She is even taking off work so she can see me. I know I am an adult now, but 12 years ago (the last time I saw them) I felt like a small child when I saw them. I felt the same feelings I felt when I was a kid, Any ideas how to get through this?
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open."  Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped. 
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#2
Apr 13, 2011, 03:30 PM
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(((onlymedid)))
Gosh....I wish that I did have some ideas of how to get through the upcoming visit! I can only think of the following tips: Remind yourself that this visit is up to you. You control when you arrive and leave. You don't have to spend X amount of time with your step-mom. The amount of time that you spend with her is under your control. Have you ever talked with your father about the abuse? I'm thinking not, which is probably why it brings up so much anxiety. Like, she's thinking you'll be there all of the time. Is that right? Stay at a hotel/inn/motel, or even a friend's house. Don't dedicate all of your time to be spent with your parents. Maybe you can arrange to meet at the park, or something. Like, a middle ground, to be less reminder of the past? You can try asking your father to meet with you alone sometime. It's been a long time since you've been able to do that in life, and would like to have that experience again. Maybe that would bring you more strength. I hope that my ideas help you get through your trip. Hopefully, others will add some helpful techniques that I didn't think of! Very best wishes to you, onlymedid!!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
 lynn P., sundog
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#3
Apr 13, 2011, 04:37 PM
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(((onlymedid))) - I also would like to know if your father knows? I don't have wise advice, because I don't think I could do what you're doing without boldly confronting her. I can fully understand why you're having anxiety about this.
__________________
 This is our little cutie Bella  *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
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#4
Apr 13, 2011, 05:16 PM
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Good luck! And seems like Shez has some really good advice, but I can't really help other than to say I'll pray for you to have the strength you need to get through it and be able to enjoy time with your father!
__________________
 Looking for a few good Friends:
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| onlymedid
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#5
Apr 13, 2011, 06:38 PM
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(((((((onlymedid))))))) What an incredibly difficult situation. I'm really sorry. I think that shezbut gives some great advice here. I'm thinking of you and sending strength. Wishing you all the very best
__________________
 Peace is every step ~ Thich Nhat Hanh |
| onlymedid
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#6
Apr 13, 2011, 07:25 PM
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Quote:
we are staying in a hotel and are only "stopping through" their area, so it's a good excuse to only stay for a short time I guess. Thank you for your ideas and best wishes!
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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| shezbut
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#7
Apr 13, 2011, 07:27 PM
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Quote:
I am too chicken to confront her. 
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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| lynn P.
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#8
Apr 14, 2011, 12:05 AM
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Sorry and saddened for what you went through and for having to endure more. Let me (us) know how it goes.
roses |
| onlymedid
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#9
Apr 17, 2011, 01:59 PM
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onlymedid i can sympathise with you so much. i was abused by my dads sisters husband but by then everyone in my life that was supposed to look after me and guide me to adulthood had let me down big time so i was an easy picking for an abuser. i didnt speak or see my aunty who i was extremely close to for years and years by then my father had just disapeared out of my life my son was 2 and a half years old and my dad had met someone with a daughter and just left that was nearly 9 yrs ago. my aunty eventually came to see me (only because i had qualified in hairdressing and she wanted me to do both of her daughters hair) she told me her husband wasnt home so i went and after an hour he came in and i just fell to pieces inside i was shaking sweating it was awful he obv didnt come into the room i was in he was too scared to being the slimey creepy pervert he is. that happened once and i couldnt do it again. 6 months ago my dads partner got intouch via facebook and told me my dad was in a psychiatric ward and had tried to take his life twice he feels so guilty for just leaving me but i still havnt spoke to him i speak to her and her daughter but not him i am not ready. fortinatly me and my mother are tight now and have the best relationship we have ever had its taken time but we are there. it is hard when you see the person who abused you what ever abuse it was you went through. you are not a little girl anymore and if she even starts trying to make you feel uncomfertable then you have the right to say something or just go. when my dads partner got intouch my mother told me i am an adult now i dnt have to do anything or put up with anything i do not want to and she is right she said to me if i wanted to see my father then do it somewhere neutral so if it got too uncomfertable i could make my excuses and leave. if you feel threatend explain to your dad that you are here to see him and ask if just the two of you could go for a walk? you never know she may be different now your not a 'little girl' my grandad was an extremly abusive father and husband but now he is the oppasite? at the end of the day you are there to see your dad no her. as for my aunty i hadnt seen her in four years and 3 weeks ago i was out with friends having a great time when my aunty just walked past double took me then came back she was so appolagetic crying in the middle of a bar just appolagising saying she loved me? well she cnt of loved me that much when she knew what her husband was doing. familys are hard you cnt just pick and choose your relations. i wish you all the good luck in the world and hope you have a good time seeing your father.
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#10
Apr 17, 2011, 06:29 PM
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Quote:
Yeah, I am going to see him and my sister too, which I am happy about, but not happy about seeing the step-momster. I figured I could give about an hour or two worth of time and then leave after that.
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#11
Apr 20, 2011, 02:12 PM
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So, I went and made it through the visit! Having my sister there really helped cushion seeing my step-mom. I got to see my niece, too, which was fun. We didn't talk much about the past except at one point she brought up how "horrible" I was on a particular trip and I said, "I was always horrible" not realizing until later how I had put myself down.
We went to a local Ice creamery for my sons birthday so we did end up at a local spot that was a mutual meeting point where we all just talked about the day to day stuff. I was glad to see my dad. So, all-in-all it was a good trip!
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#12
Apr 20, 2011, 07:16 PM
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Really glad it went well!! (((((onlymedid)))))
__________________
Peace is every step ~ Thich Nhat Hanh |
| onlymedid
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#13
Apr 20, 2011, 10:06 PM
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Hey, great news about the trip! Thanks for letting us know!
 Cyran0
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My blog: http://cyran0.psychcentral.net/ Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD (childhood physical/sexual abuse), history of drug abuse. Meds: Zoloft, Lorazapam, Coffee, Cigarettes "I may climb perhaps to no great heights, but I will climb alone." -Cyrano de Bergerac |
| onlymedid
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